A New Creation in Christ

What if...then God.

2011-03-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know who Beth Moore is, but I was looking through some blogs the other day, and someone talked about how Beth Moore talked about how every "What if" in our life should end in "God".

What if I am failing in everything I try to do well, then God.
What if I don't have everything figured out, then God.
What if I am making horrible decisions, then God.
What if I end up growing distant from this friend, then God.
What if I don't end up with an internship this summer, then God.
What if I say the wrong things, then God.
What if my whole life ends up falling apart, God still loves me.
What if I get rejected, God is still with me.
What if I am still horribly broken and messed up, Christ is still my life.

The list can go on and on, but no matter what, God loves us still.
While we were still His enemies, Christ came down for us. Christ died for us, Christ has risen, Christ will come again. He is near. He is with you. We are forgiven. We are justified. All by His sheer grace; costly to Him, free to us.
The Father has our best interest at heart. God is for us. Everything He gives and takes away...He does it out of love for us, knowing what is best for us. And you know what, the best gift God has given us, Himself, will always be with us. He'll never leave us nor forsake us. We can never lose Him.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:31-32)

His love for us can never waver. Take comfort in that, my brothers and sisters, saints of God.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." (Romans 8:28-30)

"And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption," (1 Cor. 1:30)

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20)

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." (Colossians 3:1-4)

Look at things from a eternal perspective rather than a temporal one. Look at things through the lens of His Word.

One question

2011-03-21T11:56:00.001-07:00

One question I want to ask the people who are dear to me in my life:
"If I reveal to you all the dark and shameful things in my life, if I tell you all the wounds and hurt in me, will you promise to move closer rather than away? Will you promise to stay?"

I don't know how each person would respond, but what I know for sure is that God would answer yes. He knows all of me, every thought, every action; He knows the depths of my heart and mind. He knows how I have betrayed Him and loved other things more than Him, all past, present, and future. He knows all the sin I've committed against Him and yet His response was still to abandon all He had to come into this world, endured all the way to the cross, became sin for me, and died for me...to forgive me and justify me. Now He has risen and is near. He moves closer to me in the midst of knowing all of me, not away.

"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

"Love one another, as I have loved you" Jesus says. (John 15:12)
That's not to say that you become someone else's god or someone else's savior, because only God is LORD and only God can save. It does mean you follow Christ because He first loved you. It does mean that He is your Master. It does mean the following:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength."
"Love your neighbor as yourself"
knowing that it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.

Coming back home

2011-03-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

Coming back home allows me to realize some idols that have been hidden from me while I was at Berkeley.

I want to rejoice in the Savior alone, the God who is working in me, the Lord who is working out everything for my good, the Father who is good, my God who is near and with me.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" He says. (2 Cor. 12:9)

I don't need to have it all figured out; His love for me is not dependent on that.

Even if I am messing up in everything I try to do well right now, His love for me is still steadfast and unchangeable.

"I love you, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you."

I can lose everything I hold dear in my life right now, but I will never lose Him. He'll never leave me nor forsake me. May He be my ultimate source of joy and peace.

God, be near, be with me, and help my unbelief. I need You desperately in everything in my life. Open my eyes to Your gospel and let me taste Your goodness, for apart from You, I can do nothing.
In You, Lord, Your promises are yes. Help me trust in You.
In Your Son's name I pray, Amen.

Let His beloved and chosen people, His saints, rejoice in the Lord! For I will work hard, yet it will not be I, but the grace of God that is with me.

Broken and Evil I am. Loved and Accepted I am, through Jesus Christ

2011-01-13T23:16:00.000-08:00

My eyes...they're heavy.
My eyelids...they're growing heavy.
Each passing moment seems like a battle.
A battle of the heart.
A battle of the mind.

Chills are going through my skin in this cold winter,
and here I am, broken and fallen.
Evil all around me I see,
And in me also do I see evil.
It is as Isaiah had said,
“Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!” (Isaiah 6:5)

Indeed, before the King of kings,
Before the eternal God of justice,
Before the Light,
Who shall stand?
Who shall stand but those whom He has clothed with His righteousness?

Wretched, weak, guilty, and evil I am.
Only in Him shall I rest.
For I do not want at all to be found in myself,
to have a righteousness of my own that comes from the law.
No, I want to be found in Christ,
for Christ Himself is my righteousness through faith. (Philippians 3)

Sinner saved by grace.
At the cost of the Son's life on the cross,
I am bought.
I am bought with His blood.
My sins are atoned for.
I am justified by grace, through faith. (Romans 3:22-24)

Now called a son of God, (1 John 3:1)
With Christ as my righteousness. (1 Corinthians 1:30)
Truly, the Father can look at me and say,
"You are my beloved son,
With whom I am well pleased, (Mark 1:11)
In whom I delight." (Psalm 147:11)

Because of what Christ has done,
The Father is already fully smiling at me.

Day by day, bring me back to You, O Lord.
I often times fail,
Yet You are faithful
And Your steadfast love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:8) (Lamentations 3:22-24)

Remind me day after day of Your grace,
Remind me that it is You who chose me, not me who chose You. (John 15:16)
Remind me that You are my life, Jesus. (Colossians 3:4)
I want hope in You and You alone, my God, who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

What joy it is to know that You never leave me nor forsake me! (Deuteronomy 31:6)
To know You are with me always! (Matthew 28:20)
To know You! Indeed, to know You is eternal life! (John 17:3)

Let me not be afraid, O God,
For You are with me.
If You are for me, who can be against me? (Romans 8:31)
You alone are my rock, my salvation, my fortress, and my refuge. (Psalm 62)
You are stronger, God, than the evil that is in me and around me.

Let me rely on You and look to You. (Hebrew 12:2)
In You alone God let me rest.
I am tired and broken,
and I only ask that You be with me.
For You love is better than life, (Psalm 63:3)
O how great You are!

Wretched, weak, guilty, and evil I am.
Only in Him shall I rest.
For I do not want at all to be found in myself,
to have a righteousness of my own that comes from the law.
No, I want to be found in Christ,
for Christ Himself is my righteousness through faith. (Philippians 3)
Let me know You more and more each day.

Remind me again of this great truth! :
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)

Some things I did not see clearly before

2011-01-06T14:21:00.000-08:00

It was only recently, while I was truly considering that God might have called me to be married one day rather than being single my whole life, that I began to see some things I did not see so clearly previously when I insisted heavily that I really might be called to be single my whole life.

1. I wanted to be able to freely open my heart deeply to any sister in Christ. I am still struggling to see whether or not this is a real problem, but I can now see that if I ever get married, this may not be a very wise thing to do.

2. Now that I consider I might get married one day, I see how much more serious my falling into sexual lust is. I can easily commit adultery in my heart if I don’t rely and depend completely on the Lord, if I don’t look to Christ as my righteousness and my salvation and comfort. I am very broken and evil and sinful, and only by depending on God and trusting in God like a little child can I flee sexual immorality, only by doing that can I be faithful to my possible future wife.

Day 706

2010-11-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

http://wesleyacheung.tumblr.com/post/1500546979/day-706

A familiar feeling invaded my heart this morning as I awoke in the bed I had not lain in for what seemed to be a long time, yet so short at the same time. My heart dreads. This past week has been one of the toughest week ever since the journey began. What of these wounds? What of this feeling of loneliness? I looked at the familiar room around me and memories rushed back. Oh, how many trials I had been through while being in this bedroom, but they all seemed so far away and faint. And the pain I am going through now renders me numb at times to notice the good things that have been bestowed upon me.

Though my heart was failing, I still yearned for the Lord, for He is good. Psalms. Hosea. I realized how horribly I had been treating Him. Oh in so many ways I had forgotten that He is God, that He has a heart, that He thinks, that He wills, that He cares, that He is here with me, that He is by my side, that He loves, that He has forgiven, that He died, that He is risen, that He is in me, that He longs to listen, that He wants to come closer, that He is jealous, that He has planned all for good…The list goes on. I’ve been treating Him so…horribly. I keep treating Him as if He’s not enough. I have been so concerned with my self-interests. I put on a false fronts to others to hide all the mess that’s going on inside. I act crazy when I don’t know how to have others deal with the real me, the me that wants to just go cry out into a lake and weep and weep and weep for hours, longing for someone’s embrace and love to catch my wounded heart.

No matter where I go, the problem is still there…because I am the problem.

Philippians 2. Humility. The Lord gives strength to His people.

I don’t really know what I am doing. Sometimes I can be so afraid. So terrified that I’ve fallen too far to love. So horrified at what people might say. So scared of what people will think of me. My heart is so wounded and I go to all these “lovers” when none of them can give me what I want. I keep committing adultery against my God. My heart fails. Time and time again, I fall. I start developing a hatred at myself. But in the midst of this helplessness…God is still drawing Himself near to me. He died for me…so He can give me Himself.

I think evil thoughts against those in my life. My neediness kills me. And now I am at that point of life again at which I cannot really be myself. I can’t open my heart to anyone. Christianity is communal. God is communal. Yet time and time again, I feel like I am the hindrance in the community. At the same time I make community an idol. I thirst for community, yet I don’t know how to approach community. If I reveal every single dark thought and evil motivation in my heart, will they really still accept me and love me? If I really be myself, will they really still draw near to me instead of avoiding me and growing distant from me? If I can’t offer anything to them, will they still care for me and reach out to me? Will they still call me friend? As I typed this, a few tears just came out of my eyes. That was kinda unexpected..or maybe it was. I pray to God for healing in my life. May I know that His grace extends to me still and that though I am so extremely evil and selfish, I am still loved and accepted at the same time, through my best Friend who loved me and gave Himself for me.

I am going through and feeling a lot of things that happened before Day 1, but this time things are different…because I know He is with me. I feel so weak right now that I don’t even feel the strength to stand up, but just fall on the ground, but He is holding me with His hands, the hands that hold the world together.

An Apology to all those who have ever stumbled on this blog

2010-10-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

I want to apologize to those who've stumbled across or followed this blog, let me explain why.
And it's not going to be a perfect apology because I am broken, but please be patient with me and consider this as loving me as your brother in Christ.

I think for those who have come to this blog since its early days will realize that the posts are beginning to differ more these past few months. I am not so much trying to preach and teach anymore. I don't really write about things like masturbation, or not playing video games, or not watching Asian dramas anymore. And you know what, I think it's horrible, to be very honest, that I wrote about those things in those ways. I wrote as if masturbation is something you can somehow end on your own strength once and for all. I wrote as if "good" Christians aren't supposed to play video games or watch Asian dramas. You see, I've got it wrong back then and did not portray to you an accurate picture of what Christianity is. It's not about making myself feel like a better person because I don't do this or that. It's not about guilting people into doing this, or else. It's not about acting in a way as if nothing wrong is going on. It's not about hiding your brokenness and making people think that you are o so "good".
On the contrary, Christianity allows you to be honest with yourself before God and before others. It allows you to see how utterly evil, sinful, and broken you are and still be able to stand because the gospel says that even though I am evil, sinful, and broken beyond all imagination possible, I am more loved and accepted than all humanity every dare to dream for, through Jesus Christ. Even though I am so wicked, there is still a compassionate God who knows me completely yet still wants to pursue me and love me and accept me and even die for me. He paid for me with His blood so that He can forgive all the evil and wrong I've done against Him.
And this is the case. Christianity doesn't somehow make you a better person than everyone else. On the contrary, it allows you to see how utterly broken you are and how much you need God in absolutely everything. And you are not doing things for God to be accepted and to prove yourself to yourself, God, or others. Instead, you are already accepted and loved completely because of the costly grace of God, you are now able to have sweet fellowship with the God who knows you fully, and you are now able to know this God more each day personally and relationally, and that is why you can obey Him out of love and gratitude. Even when you fail, you know that He still loves you. Your identity, security, and worth are not in your performance, but in Christ, in your identity in God. I am born of God. I have been adopted into His family. I am a son of God. I am united with Christ in His death and resurrection. The Spirit of the living and almighty God dwells in me. And nothing, nothing can every change my status in Him. He is my rock and my salvation. He is my God and my Savior. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is with me always. Nothing will ever change that and it's not based on me or what I've done, but on who He is and what He has done. Salvation is from and of the Lord.
And to be honest, I am still messed up and broken. My life is still scattered in pieces. I still sin. I still lust at times. I say the wrong words a lot of the times in front of people. I am cold hearted at times. I blank out on what people say. I struggle with the fact that I am single sometimes. And I am broken and more evil in a lot more ways than you or I can ever conceive. But my comfort is in the fact that my God is still calling out to me, still reaching out to me, still healing me, still saving me, still affectionate toward me, still walking with me, still talking to me, still guiding me, still loving me, still accepting me in Christ. Because of what He has done on the cross, I belong to Him.
I guess what I really want to get across is that we Christians DO NOT have it all together, but in the midst of all our failures and mess ups, God actually moves closer toward us and we are able to behold more of His glory and be changed from the inside out.

I want to share two quotes that I've recently read:
"All of us are sinners. And we are not going to cease being sinners by redoubling our efforts at being good. Living in the open means that we don't have to hide who we really are, whitewash our reputations or disguise our hearts. We can be open about who we are, about what we have thought and felt and done. We don't have to exhaust ourselves to project the blame for who we are on God or on our parents or on society. We don't have to make up fancy excuses. How refreshing that is!" Eugene H. Peterson, Traveling Light

"Repentance leads to the right kind of self-acceptance...As we accept responsibility for sin and turn away from it, we can hate the sin and accept ourselves. This is precisely God's attitude towards us. HE loves us and accepts us, but hates our sin having condemned it already in Jesus Christ's suffering in place of the believer...If your self-acceptance rests on maintaining an image of yourself as a nice, good person who never did anything wrong on purpose, then you cannot afford to allow much truth into your field of vision. True self-acceptance is in stark contrast to this self-delusion...Being open with God and ourselves about our sin frees us from the power that our sin would otherwise have over us. Think of the time, energy, and anxiety it takes to keep sin hidden. Sartre once wrote that a person 'struggles with all his strength against the crushing view that his mistakes constitute his destiny.' ...[But] the Christian's security is immense and exciting. We know that we are exhaustively known by God and yet completely accepted... This is why the Christian message has revolutionary psychological implications. We can be brutally honest with ourselves and still not be crushed...because it is within the psychological safety of the love and acceptance of God...A self-acceptance that is not based on such honesty has excluded a great deal of truth. This causes inner division and tension since there are parts of you that you dare not face. By contrast, self-acceptance rooted in God's acceptance includes an honesty and openness that contributes to inner coherence."
Dick Keyes, Beyond Identity

And of course, even as I am saying all these things, I am not perfect in completely being honest with myself, God, or others. On the contrary, I continually need His grace, mercy, love, and healing, every single moment, every single day. I need His gospel. I need Him. May God have mercy on me.

Please forgive me if I've ever given you an inaccurate portrayal of what Christianity is in the past through this blog, or perhaps even through my actions and words if you have interacted with me before.

Grace and peace to you,
Wesley

Twitter

2010-10-27T16:58:00.001-07:00

Hi brothers and sisters,
I've been really busy lately, so not much huge update. And blogs on this site usually requires some huge process of thought and consideration before writing down.
Instead, I do mini updates now on Twitter.
So if you're at all interested:
http://twitter.com/#!/wesleyacheung
What I like about Twitter is that I can read quotes from pastors, Christian singers, and theologians across the nation and across time, which is pretty cool stuff.
I will still update here on this site when something comes up.

Grace and peace from our Lord be to you,
Wesley

I am weak

2010-09-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I just want to be able to break into crying in front of people and show them how genuinely weak, broken, messed up, emotional, tired, shy, evil, inadequate, self-absorbed, torn apart I am. But I can't. I want to do that in front of brothers and sisters, but I can't.
And I am constantly traumatized by my past, constantly haunted by me thinking that others are judging me. I am wearied by me having to prove myself to others, thinking that only by doing so will they listen to me. I am tired of having such little trust toward my brothers and sisters and affiliating them with traits they probably don't have. And I always think that if I say something wrong, they won't accept me anymore.

Seriously, right now, I can't process my thoughts correctly. I just know that I need God as my Lord, Savior, Lover, and Treasure. I know that He is my Healer and that He's always there for me. And in the midst of all my brokenness, He loves and accepts me completely. I just want to lay down all these troubles I have in my heart before Him, for He cares for me.
I guess in a sense, my prayer request is that His love and grace would be apparent in my relationships with others too. I don't really know what I am thinking. I just think a lot.

Crying

2010-09-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's the second time I cried out of grief and sadness after God saved me from my depression. I cry this way, not because somehow Christianity doesn't work or God's not there for me, but because I have a God who loves me so much that I can cry honestly before Him.

Mixed Feelings

2010-08-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

I am thinking right now...what difference would it make in someone's day when I call them out in the midst of their stress and work for a meal, and I let God's love and joy shine radiantly through my face, words, and deeds?

In a sense, I am pretty excited for the coming semester. I feel like it's not just about telling the gospel anymore, it's about living out the gospel and showing it to others through the way I live. And perhaps that's what people really want to see. Of course, only God can do this through me, apart from Him I can do nothing.

At the same time, I also remember all the broken parts of my life that is affiliated with Berkeley. Focusing on them makes me frustrated, anxious, and worrisome. But guess what? When I look to God, I rejoice in these troubles and difficulties, because then His power may rest on me and I may rely on Him. All by His grace. His grace is sweet. His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weaknesses.

The Lord always surprises me in a good way, I am in for something good, His perfect will to be exact. I look forward to this coming school year.

And oh yeah, I am a child of God, and that fact blows me away, that He would love someone like me and gave up everything so that He could bring me in.
His grace is sufficient indeed.

My Friend...

2010-08-14T20:55:00.001-07:00

Again...there're so many things on my heart again, but I guess that's always the case huh?

Usually, I write with a message in mind when I write on this blog...but this time...I am just going to share a piece of my heart. And who knows, writing on may surprise me.

First day of summer after summer school...
Things have been so different after my first year in college. I've been meeting more non-Christian friends again, and it feels...I don't really know how to describe it. It seems like a majority of my freshman year has been spent with Christians. Not that that isn't a blessing in itself, it is, and praise God I've formed such deep relationships with several of them, yet at the same time, I seem to lose touch on the many facets of human life and I would say meeting more non-Christians again is a nice change. I mean...if you think about it, humans are such complex beings, and even though this knowledge is probably at the back of our heads all the time, we just overlook it and forget it most of the time.

Why?

Well for me, I always get caught up with my own problems, my own brokenness, my own future, my own issues, my own whatever... And well, I am a fragile guy. And so many times, I still like I need to run and hide when I see how broken and messed up I am. I keep trying to defend what I've become at times and I am getting pretty tired and sick of it to be honest. Forgiveness is right where I fall. Christ came down to pay the infinite price of Himself to forgive us and bring us to Him, and time and time again I would still think I have to somehow do something earn my way back. But at the same time, I know I really can't do anything like that, so I hide and doubt and fear. But you know what the amazing thing is? His love never fails, His love never changes, His love is everlasting. Even though I always turn from Him and do the things He hates, He turns me back to Him and still give me the desire to seek after Him.

And I don't know...have you ever thought of how it would turn out if you do what you did to God to one of your friends? Friends can be close and intimate, but if you turn you back and betray them like that time and time again, hurting them, doing the things they hate, doubting them, not trusting them, ignoring them, showing no gratitude for the things they do...and the list goes on....sooner or later, you'll lose that friend. If you love that friend, you wouldn't toy with his or her heart like that. And you know...Jesus actually calls us His friends.
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." (John 15:12-15)
He said this to the disciples knowing that they will soon leave Him alone, knowing that Peter will deny even knowing Him three times. Can you imagine a friend whom you've known for at least three years denying that s/he knows you? And if you look deep into these verses, they really are quite amazing. Our Lord wants us to love others as He has loved us, then He tells us how He loves us. He gives up His everything for our sake based on His own choice as He calls us friend. Then He says something that may sound like this in modern language: "If you love Me and call Me as your friend, won't you do what I desire for you?" We are being His friends if we do what He desires. So He not only called us His friends...He not only gives up everything for us, but He also goes intimate with us, He shares His heart with us and tells us that His desire for us is for us to love one another as He has loved us. He opens His heart to us and lets us know Him. I think that is so amazing, beautiful, and profound. But that's not it, He goes further to clear the barrier that may keep the disciples from growing intimate with God. He clears any of their thoughts that might have said, "Your friend? But You are my Master and I am Your servant. Don't we simply serve You? Isn't there supposed to be a distance kept between us? Are we even worthy to approach You?" Our Lord dispels us of all these words in our hearts with His Word. He says that He is our friend because He has disclosed His heart to us on a personal level..."He has made known" "everything that He learned from His Father" to us.

Going back to what it'd be like if we do to our friends what we have done to God...it's astounding that our Lord can still be so persistent in wanting a personal relationship with us when He already knows all the ways we treated, treat, and will treat Him. And to make His desire to relationally know us a reality and a possibility, He went to the extremes of bearing all our ugliness on that cross and taking the ultimate punishment that we deserve from His Father for us. You can't really get more intimate than that can you...to take the pain and suffering that we deserve and place it unto Himself.

And today, maybe we see that we have done so so so many horrible things to Him, and we feel like we are not worthy to come to Him, that we are of no use to Him, that He wouldn't ever want us again...but these are all lies! He loves us and accepts us as His friends not on the basis of what we've done, but on the basis of who He is and what He has done. Check out the verse right after the verses I quoted: "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last." (John 15:16a) He already knows how messed up we are, how we can offer nothing to Him but hurt, how many times again and again we'll turn from Him, but He still pulls us closer to Him, He still wants to know us more relationally.
So my friends...my brothers and sisters...and I guess I myself too should listen to this: Don't think you've fallen too far from grace...because you didn't earn it in the first place. Stop all your striving because you can't earn His love either, He loves us because of who He is, not what we've done for Him or who we are. And He wants to know you relationally, He wants to know you more and He wants you to know Him more. We love because He first loved us. He personally disclosed His heart to you and He wants you to personally disclose your heart to Him. He wants you to fall deeply in love with Him and have joy that is complete!
And after all...isn't that what eternal life is?
"Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." (John 17:3)
Eternal life can start right here and right now for you if it hasn't already.

And I don't know, maybe it's when you truly know how much God loves you on a personally level that you can really actually start to love one another as He has loved you.

I guess the blog post naturally included a message, haha, He surprises me. This message is not just meant for those whom God brings to read this, but definitely for me also.

Grace

2010-08-04T08:11:00.001-07:00

All I can do is receive. He is the God of grace.

An Honest Piece of my Heart

2010-07-31T22:34:00.000-07:00

It's not easy, isn't it? At least for me anyway.
Sometimes there're just so many thoughts running through my head that I can't seem to hold down and grasp. Thoughts of worries, thoughts of what if's, thoughts of anxiety. It's crazy.
The first year I was a Christian, I had a huge misunderstanding. I thought all the brokenness I had were supposed to disappear as Christ changes me, and that I was supposed to cover all that up in front of others (especially non Christians) so that others can see how much God has changed me. And sometimes, when my weaknesses are revealed to others, I would disdain myself for a sec, thinking "Ahhh, I became a bad witness for Christ." And when thoughts of old weaknesses I thought I would never have to face again return, I try to hide them in my heart. Man, how wrong I was. Seriously, I grossly misrepresented what Christianity is all about.
Before God saved me in November 2008, I suffered from a three year depression. It wasn't a clinical depression, but a depression that roots itself in the way I lived my life. I placed a huge part of my worth and identity into the relationships I had with people. What happened? Many stopped talking to me after a year or two of being friends. Some became extremely close to me and then left me, as if shooting a gun at my heart and leaving me behind. Others grew distant from me. I tried my best to be good friends to others, expecting others to do likewise so that beautiful friendships can be formed, but when they failed the heavy expectations I placed upon them, I fell deeper and deeper into sorrows and sadness. I was crushed. Drowned in darkness and tears. Started to close myself off from others. Built walls around my heart. This progressed for three years, not to mention many other hardships in life.

God was extremely gracious and merciful to me when He saved me. He let me discover His joy, He let me discover the beautiful relationships that are possible with brothers and sisters in Christ, He let me discover His love. Throughout senior year in high school, He turned my life around 18o degrees. He snapped me out of my depression. It was an amazing experience.

But you see, as I progressed further in my Christian life, I started to place my worth and identity in things He gave me, such as my new gained ability to teach others spiritual lessons or the deep relationships I am able to have with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Even this blog itself, you know, when I first wrote it, my intention was something like, "Yeah, I am going to give this blog up to God and if He is willing, He will use it for His glory." But later, it went to something like, "I have to keep updating spiritual lessons for others, I want to teach others and let them draw closer to Christ." When it went on further, thoughts like, "Oh no, what if this is not good enough. Oh no, what if this blog makes people turn away from Christ instead of drawing closer." Fears and confusions and many voices start creeping in, my emotions become affected by it. It looks like I started placing part of my identity into my ability to teach and impact others through this blog.

This past year, I think one of the things that has really drowned me is my focus on how I am doing, my focus on my performance for God. This has also become a part of my gross misunderstanding of how I was to live the Christian life. I would always look at how loving I am toward my roommate, toward my parents, toward the people I meet in classes. I started beating myself up when I fail to meet the expectations I had in mind. I would beat myself up terribly when I fail at the things that I thought God wanted me to do. There came a stage at which I was so broken that I cried angrily at God, and I said I have forgotten how to become a Christian because I have failed in everything that I wanted to do for God. But see, that's where the huge misunderstanding comes in, I thought Christianity is about being a better person for God, but it's not, it's about knowing God and His great love for us at a personal level. Later on, by God's grace, He showed me that He utterly loves me and accepts not because of what I've done, but because of what He has done. He loves me and celebrates me...and it has nothing to do with me! When I know that, I can stop swinging between pride and shame, and finally be freed from thinking about myself so much. I can finally think about myself less and be obsessed with Him and knowing Him.

There are many things I've learned lately. Such as Christianity is all about having a personal encounter with a Person. It's about knowing God. That's what eternal life is. The more I realize that He loves me and accepts me not because I have somehow earned anything, but that He has performed for us, I can really just look to Him and lay down my brokenness. I can lay down how dark I am and be honest with myself, not having to put up a parade. I know more now how much I need Him saving me and that I can never save myself. I also learned that you can't live for God, unless you learn how to live because God, because He already accepts you as His son, because He first loved you.

Of course, all this can still so easily slip out our minds sometimes. And in the beginning, I said it's not easy. There seems to be so many hidden parts of my heart that have not touched the beautiful light of His gospel yet and are still looking for ways to satisfy themselves, when only He can satisfy. And as I see more of my brokenness, my old worries from before I became a Christian are returning. Like right now, I can't stop thinking about how my relationships with certain people aren't stable enough, and I worry about it, and sometimes I overthink things. But you know what, this time, it's different, because I can honestly lay down these broken parts of myself in front of our Lord. I don't have to hide anymore, I don't have to fear anymore. And I definitely don't have to dread if fears are still there, but just in the process give my heart to God and let Him hold it. Let Him come as close as He wants and be intimate with me. I mean, if you really want to get personal with someone, you've gotta be honest and have personal disclosure. And through all this, may I (all my security, worth, and identity) be found more and more in Him.
After all, what He wants to give us the most is Himself.

Haha, I guess there're still many thoughts running through my head and I can't pin them down again, so I'll stop here.

2010-07-26T08:37:00.000-07:00

This is a tough time for me...please pray.

Break Down the Facade

2010-07-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just want to break down all the facade. I want to stop having the need to prove myself to brothers and sisters. I want to just let all the walls crash down.
I want there to be no more disillusion that somehow there's anything good in me other than Christ Himself. I am broken. I am a hypocrite. I lust after so many things that God hates. I am a prideful man. I am a liar. I fail to look at people's hearts. I get caught up with my failures. I've said all types of wrong stuff in the past to people in my life. I am a horrible witness at so many times. And the list can probably go on and on.
But you know what, the beauty is that the more broken I see myself to be, the more I know I need my Savior, the more I know I can never save myself. Apart from Christ, I can do NOTHING! Any good you see in me is from God!
And out of love, God came to die for me. He left the treasures in heaven, became poor for me and made me His treasure. He bore my sins on that cross. He rose again and now sits at the right hand of the Father. He came to save me. I am forgiven! And now by His grace, I know Him. I know the One who utterly loves me and approves of me through what He has done for me even when I did all types of evil against Him. Now, I personally KNOW my God, my Savior, my best Friend, my Comforter, my Lover, my Rock, my Shield, my Stronghold, my Refuge, my Maker, my Everything.

It's time to be honest and let the healing begin. It's time to see how much greater His grace is compared to our sins.

Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North

Be still, beloved.

2010-07-07T16:34:00.000-07:00

"I can still many things, Wes.
I can still the music in your head.
I can still the many troubles you face.
I can still the many storms in your life.
But I choose not to for reasons that are out of love."

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10)

Why the bad memories...

2010-07-03T20:41:00.001-07:00

Today, I asked the Lord, "Why so many bad memories this past year?"
This thought then just popped into my head and I don't think I could have ever thought of it on my own: "The rescue memory is the worthy memory that outweighs them."
Indeed, it is through the Lord's rescuing of us from the deep pains we faced that His love shines at a greater level into our lives.

Everything We Do

2010-06-25T09:45:00.000-07:00

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." (Colossians 3:17)

I think I am beginning to see now the beauty of this verse. Everyday, no matter what we do: whether it be something tedious, something we may think is boring, something we may think is extremely small, something that is the same every single day, or even something fun, God is saying that we can be doing that in Him and for Him out of love, as we obey His commands (including the one just quoted) and are filled with His joy. For no matter how small we think the task to be, if this task is done for Christ out of love, that task becomes something great in God's eyes, and that's all that matters when it comes to the core of our actions: loving God and through loving God, loving people.

Of course let us not forget that our very ability to do anything comes from Him and that we love because He first loved us. Equally important is the reminder that even when we fail and fall, we are utterly loved and accepted no matter what, through Jesus Christ.

2010-06-15T18:45:00.001-07:00

Sometimes...He allows us to fall miserably in a sinful direction so that He may root in us the truth that He utterly loves us and approves us even after what we've done because of what He has done.

Finding God

2010-06-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

For brothers and sisters who are going through trials that they just can't seem to explain, this sermon from Tim Keller was of great help to me, I hope it'll help you too.

"Seasons of spiritual dryness and disillusionment are inevitable in life, and may derail your faith. They don’t seem to fit with a just and holy God. Psalm 42 offers a prescription for your soul when it seems impossible to feel close to God and sense his lovingkindness."

http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/finding-god

The Supremacy of Christ and the Gospel in a Postmodern World - Tim Keller

2010-05-28T16:12:00.000-07:00

Please take the time to watch this video! This has been made a tremendous blessing for me by God. It's around an hour long.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/MediaPlayer/1832/Video/

His Presence

2010-05-27T11:42:00.001-07:00

A thought came to me last night and this morning:
Have I ever truly taken the moment to realize that when I come to the presence of God through prayer, I am coming to Him who is kind and loving, yet HATES sin?

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." (Mark 14:38)

A Gospel-Driven Life

2010-05-22T15:00:00.001-07:00

For awhile, I was puzzled by some Christian writings that prompt something beautiful, yet seems so hard, unnatural, or complex to live out. It is something that sounds so wonderfully delightful and reading it makes me want to leap in excitement, yet living it out seems a totally different matter.
I guess I am specifically pointing toward C.S. Lewis and Timothy Keller, when they say it is far better to just forget about yourself, or that the gospel leads us to not think highly of ourselves or lowly of ourselves, but to think about ourselves less. How awesome is that?! To be able to be freed from always being concerned with self and just get out there loving God and people. But for awhile, I was troubled by it. It sounds so nice and it's what makes the gospel different from all the other religions after all: we do not obey to be accepted, but we obey because we are already loved and accepted.
Perhaps this trouble would only resonate with you most if you are at a certain part of your Christian walk right now. For some, they have not yet come to this trouble yet, or may never will. For others, they know full well what I am talking about and have already passed it, and they are now experiencing God's goodness and love at greater and greater levels. (Or I could be wrong and this stage actually comes up multiple times in the Christian life) But for those at that particular part in their Christian life in which they suddenly experience such downfall, such failures, such shortcomings, such wide-eye opening to one's own sins, I hope God may use this post to be of help.
For the past few months and maybe even now, I have been at that stage in my Christian life. My focus always seemed to be "What a horrible man I am! What a sinner I am! What a wretch I am!", for almost in everything I attempted to do to obey the Lord, I failed. I wept, I mourned, there were tremendous temptations to hate myself. The amount of failures just kept stacking up, one after another. I literally came to a stage at which I said, "I don't know how to be a Christian anymore." I was an one year and four month old Christian when I said that.
I struggled a lot, I cried in front of some brothers. I kept trying to come up with all these theories to explain what was going on, I looked to many messages. I believe that in all the searching, I did find the answers, but they could not be fully understood until I lived it out.
I began to notice something as this trial of constant failing went on, I focused a lot on how I was doing. When I noticed this, I was brought back to the memory of when I finally knew what pride meant, and when I saw myself, I knew how prideful I was. There were so many times I thought I was "more spiritually mature" than others or that God needs me to accomplish certain things (when He doesn't need me at all). There were times I was beginning to be jealous or envious toward some people, that they were getting more attention than me or getting more credit than me. I constantly asked God to make me more humble, I was horrified by the thought patterns I had. During the period of constant failures, I began to look at how I messed up in everything. Nothing I do seemed to be right. Everything I touched seemed to have turned to dust. I screwed up in so many attempts or non-attempts to love people. My heart condemned me. There were several instances in which I doubted my own salvation. To sum it up, I kept looking at how I was doing and at times how I could do better.
Of course, that went on for awhile, yet the realization of me always looking at how I was doing was a key in my mind in which God used to slowly heal me and change me. But while it still went on, I was downtrodden by my failures. I think I was becoming legalistic...a Pharisee. I constantly looked to my own works. At times, fear starts to creep in more often. By God's grace, I listened to many good preachers and had a lot of chance to talk about this with beautiful brothers and sisters. Something that came into my head a lot was "Look to Jesus!". Indeed, that is the key, but how? How is it lived out?
Awhile later, I read what I mentioned in the beginning of this post, some excerpts from C.S. Lewis and Tim Keller. I was reminded of those words for whatever reason (by God's grace) and I went back to the books that I read awhile back, namely Mere Christianity and Reason for God. How wonderful it sounded! Forget about the self altogether. Think about the self less. The new album by Tenth Avenue North also helped a lot. In one of their new songs called "You Are More", the bridge says this: it's not about what we do, but about what He's done; it's not about where we've been, but where our brokenness leads us to; it's now about what we feel, but what He felt to forgive us and what He felt to make us new. Those lyrics were beautiful! I took note that I was not living a gospel-driven life. I did not behave as if I obey because I was already accepted, but I was mostly driven by fear at that time of my Christian walk. The day that the desire to live a gospel-driven life came, I asked a brother to pray for me, that I would be able to live a gospel-driven life.
This past week was an interesting week for me. My freshman year in college ended and people were moving out, but I was to stay in the dorms one more week so I can move some of my things directly to the apartment that I will live in next year. When the friends, brothers, and sisters I had so much contact with throughout second semester suddenly moved away, I realized three serious areas in my heart that needed serious healing: legalism, people-dependency, and constant recalling of people hurting me, even though they may not have intended it. It was hard for me. That nostalgia/longing feeling kept taking over my mind those few days in the dorm, especially when I remembered that my roommate's presence was gone, or when I passed by some areas in the room in which I had some wonderful time with a brother and two sisters. I can say it was literally killing me. I cried out to God, I felt so horrible, I needed healing.
Throughout those few days, several lessons/revelations/realizations (whatever you want to call them) came to me.
Some are:
-In a lot of ways, I was trying to be my own savior.
-What Christ died to give us is Himself. God's presence and being with us is what truly satisfies us.
-My righteousness is from God, not the flesh.
-When I had fellowship with brothers and sisters, sometimes I was not really with them for their sake or God's sake, but for my own sake. Sometimes when I was with them, I was not really loving them, but to have them fulfill my own needs of affections and company.
-Approach Him with full confidence because of the full work of Christ Jesus. The Father is heart broken when I don't receive the full grace that He paid the price for so I can enjoy Him and approach Him with confidence.
-Nothing can change His love and acceptance
-Don't think about "how I am supposed to love this person", think about how much God loves me.
-Forgiveness is really really really difficult, but with God, it's possible.
And then there were two revelations that really helped my mind click and group everything together. One is from a book, I am going to directly quote it since this part of the book is on the Amazon preview, so I assume it's okay to publicly quote it. (If it's not okay, please notify me!):

An excerpt from the book I've been reading (Is Your Lord Large Enough? How C.S. Lewis Expands Our View of God by Peter J. Schakel):
"Putting God In A Box
The danger is putting, and keeping, God in a box, the way Job's friends did. They were real friends, sincerely concerned about Job and wanting to help him, and they had impeccable religious credentials. They thought they had God sized up perfectly: God doesn't let bad things happen to good people. Since bad things are happening to Job, he must have done evil and needs to repent. But God rebukes them, saying that they have reduced God to the shape and size of their own understanding: "The LORD...said to Eliphaz the Temanite, 'I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has'" (Job 42:7).

Lewis said in his book A Grief Observed that we need constantly to smash the images we form of God, so they can expand into new and larger ones. If we do not, our image of God will turn into an idol, that is, into a solidified idea that we worship instead of worshipping the living God. If we allow it, God will begin breaking those images for us. God, says Lewis, is the great iconoclast--the great image breaker. God will show us where our images are limited and inadequate--through our experiences, our thinking and our contacts with new ideas and other people, especially ideas and people different from those with which we are most familiar.

Growth in our conceptions of God is the subject of the remaining chapters in this book. But here are some specific, initial suggestions of practices through which such growth could occur:
-Both studying and meditating on the Bible. We need to listen to God through the Scriptures as well as study the texts. And we need to be open to all that the Scripture says. Don't let yourself reduce God's thoughts to the size of your ideas. The Bible is one of the most radical books in the world, socially and economically as well as spiritually. If you are never surprised as you read it, if you never stop to say, "I can't believe it just said that," then your God may be too small.
..." (15-16)

I think that really hit it for me. In many ways, I had a set image or understanding of God in my head and in a sense, I kept myself from coming to the actual living God. Using this passage I just quoted, God really suddenly made His presence much bigger in my life and I was in awe. Once I made this step of letting Him smash the image in my head and letting me know Him more, He started to work further in my heart.

The next key point that really made a strong impact on me is from one of Paul Washer's videos on Youtube. This is what he said, "[When people ask,] 'What's the greatest act of faith?' I said for me, to look in the mirror of God's worth and see all my faults, all my sin, all my shortcomings, and to believe that God loves me exactly as He says He does. He truly does. You are beloved if you are in Christ. You are accepted if you are in Christ. You always walk with a safety net underneath. That's a beautiful thing. Legalists don't like that very much, but someone like me..that's a beautiful thing."

The fact that God loves and accepts me no matter what I do suddenly truly sink into me. No matter what I do, God loves me, and as Christians, we live by faith in that truth. God paid the infinite price and died for my sins and now I am clothed in the righteousness of Christ and can come to God in confidence. He now loves me and accepts me unconditionally.
This is where the gospel truly takes its place in my life and God guides me through it. No matter what I do, even when I fail miserably and horribly, God still loves and accepts me. To truly believe in that changes you. You fall into ultimate reverence and praise for the God who is just and holy. You start to want to obey out of love, rather than fear. You're no longer really thinking about how you're doing, because you know that He loves you no matter what. Here's another thing to note: the reason that God would put me through a trial in which I failed in everything is for me to realize that I really can't do anything on my own. I needed to know for a fact that even when I do my best, I'll still fail. I am much weaker and more screwed up than I think. So again, you're no longer really thinking about how you're doing, because you know that He loves you no matter what and you know how screwed up you truly are. You are obeying simply out of love and not out of trying to make yourself a better person. From that, you also start to notice that love is not burdensome (whereas trying to be a better person is). Also, from building my whole identity in God's love and what He did for me on the cross is where my love, joy, and peace come from. So this is where the Christian writings about forgetting about the self and thinking about the self less finally made sense.
So while we're thinking about ourselves less, we're thinking about God more.
Here then comes another revelation that I noted in my last post:
-It's so free and liberating to no longer regard yourself as the main character. Your thoughts revolve around God rather than yourself. You start to think more about others rather than yourself.
-When I sinned and did something horrible, the response is not so much "What a horrible man I am!" anymore (though it is true), but "How can I willingly hurt my God, who loves me unconditionally and gave His life for me?!". Because, I think, in a sense, if my response is the first one, my focus is still on trying to make myself a better person. However, the latter response signifies more the relationship aspect and having love as the basis of not sinning against our precious Lord. (And then of course repentance still follows)

And finally, I want to end this post with two quotes:
"...the secret of the gospel is that we actually do more when we hear less about all we need to do for God and hear more about all that God has already done for us." - Kevin DeYoung http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2009/08/25/on-mission-changing-world-and-not-being/
"We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

There may be chances in which I will fall back once again into that failure/focus-on-self/legalism stage in my walk with Christ, I do not know, but what I do know is that His everlasting love is always be there to catch me when I fall and His perfect will is in play.

P.S.: Something I learned is that the gospel is not something that's "elementary" in the Christian life, not something you learn and then go on to the "next stage", the gospel is something you live by every single day and you grow in your understanding of it more and more as you grow in Christ until the day you die on this earth, or maybe even beyond that.

The Lessening Focus of Self

2010-05-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

Two highlight thoughts that came to mind today:
-It's so free and liberating to no longer regard yourself as the main character.
-When I sinned and did something horrible, the response is not so much "What a horrible man I am!" anymore (though it is true), but "How can I willingly hurt my God, who loves me unconditionally and gave His life for me?!". Because, I think, in a sense, if my response is the first one, my focus is still on trying to make myself a better person. However, the latter response signifies more the relationship aspect and having love as the basis of not sinning against our precious Lord.

Looking for love vs. Loving

2010-05-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

If He's not in the picture, then when I give, I am always asking for something back, whether it be money, attention, affections, fame, or time. When He's in the picture, I know I am fully loved and accepted, so when I love, I no longer ask for something back, I am already fully satisfied by His presence. So when He's not in the picture, I am always looking for love and satisfaction. When He is in the picture, I want to love, though I may fail.

Brothers and sisters, tell me what you think.

the Love series

2010-05-11T19:12:00.000-07:00

When you love someone, you look at his/her needs, wants, likes, dislikes, you let his/her needs cross your own will. You do things for his/her sake. You love him/her as you love yourself.
So whenever you see yourself looking at the outer apperance, remember you are called to love her, and suddenly you realize that her deepest need...is Jesus. And if you can't do anything else for her but pray, then pray.

Some difficult moments and the reason behind them

2010-05-07T07:37:00.000-07:00

There are several points in my Christian life in which I realize so definitively that on my own, I fail in every single thing I do. The depth and number of sins horrify me. I am a wretched and vile sinner who fails miserably. After that truth is soaked in, I start to realize that I have a desire to love God and love people, which God has so graciously and miraculously given me. Yet, I fear to do anything because of all the failures I have seen myself fall into. And then God's Word starts to come up in my mind: verses like "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) and "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 2:20)

I think this may happen multiple times in my walk with the Lord because He wants me to know for sure that on my own I can do nothing, He is the Source of all my fruitfulness, not myself. I can do nothing to save myself, He is my Savior. All good comes from Him.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. " (Romans 8:28-30)

"We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me." (Colossians 1:28-29)

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

Philippians 3⁷But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ ⁹and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. ¹⁰I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Pressing on Toward the Goal

¹²Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

¹⁵All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. ¹⁶Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

Unnatural

2010-04-23T17:36:00.001-07:00

Dear brothers and sisters,
For the past few weeks, I've experienced something that really hammered a truth into me.
On my own, I am nothing. As our beautiful Lord answers my prayer of humbling me, I have tasted how fragile and weak I am.
Gift by gift taken away. On my own, I have poor listening skills. I keep failing to serve others in love. I say the wrong things. I am inconsiderate. I am judgmental. Always taken over by lustful thoughts. Always taken over by prideful thoughts. Distracted. Messy. Coward. Can't focus in my work. Self-focused. Critical toward people. Mistrusting others. Darkness all over my being. Dark thoughts all over my mind. Failures come one after another. Distress and anxiety take over me. So weak and fragile to do anything and fear tries to consume me too.
Now I see, taste, and experience the depth and horror of my evilness. Every single bit of my being would have been selfishness were it not for the Holy Spirit doing His work in me.
Indeed, I am a sinner, horrified at myself. That's why I need my Savior, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
I am a baby Christian who for the past year thought so highly of myself when I am nothing.
To be honest, as I am writing this right now, I still feel to so weak. I can stray away from God multiple times within one day and become the prodigal son for over 10 times a day. It's horrifying and now I see how much I need His healing.
Though I am trembling in weakness right now, the verse at the top of this blog preaches to me. I pray that I would only focus on Christ and Him crucified. I don't know how to live out this passage yet but God help me. I can't do anything on my own. I need God every single moment of my life.
For the past week, I find myself asking this question constantly: "God, why am I so weak??!!!"
But every time immediately, He says, "So you and others can see how strong I am."
His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness.
Indeed, for it is when I am weak, then I am strong.
Please keep praying, brothers and sisters, for love to abound more and more in all of His saints.

It feels so unnatural...but I want to to place my trust and hope in Him...
All by the grace of God...

Wesley

At the Mercy of Love

2010-04-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

The music you hear,
The sounds that you utter,
The memories that flash before you,
The words that capture your heart,
That banana that fills the needs of your body,
All the blood streaming through your veins,
Each smile that shines through your mouth,
Every friend who has come into your life,
All the wisdom, knowledge, and information,
Every heartbeat, every breath, every step...
All by the grace of God...
All by His mercy...
All because of His love.

All because of Him, I am able to sit in front of my laptop and type this out.

I have nothing to say then when I come before the cross. I am speechless. Such beauty deserves something more than mere words. Such sacrifice deserves more than just our acknowledgment. Such love simply captures my all. And even that...is by His grace.

Answer of Love

2010-04-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

Our hearts' condition...

"If there were ever a worldwide public showing of every single thought I've ever had and of motives behind every single action that I've ever done, I don't think I can ever face the world again." -Anonymous

"We always label Hitler as probably the most villainous human who has ever walked upon this earth, but do we not realize that we are by no means better than this man at all, that we are capable of everything that this man has done? If you or I were to live through the exact same circumstances he went through, I don't think we would have been any different from him." -Anonymous

"You know...whenever I see that I am taking that moral effort to become a better person on my own, there's actually a poisonous being that is growing inside me... I may begin to think that I am now a better man than who I used to be, but thoughts of me being better than others also start to creep in. There's now a restlessness within me, interfering with the ways I interact with others. You see...there is no room for me to love another person, or place that person's needs above my own, if there's another voice in me constantly saying that I must somehow compare myself to him/her, competing with him/her. I cannot be good and loving no matter how hard I try. I seem to be trapped and doomed either way, always prideful and selfish...hurting those around me in some way..." -Anonymous
......

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

"If we say, "We have no sin," we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. " (1 John 1:8-9)

"For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." (Romans 5:1-2)

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:8-10)

Jesus: "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:12-13)

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.
Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

"I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
...

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else." -C.S. Lewis

For the intellectual side of Christianity (certain articles on the website require signing up as a member, but the registering process is free of charge):
http://www.reasonablefaith.org/site/PageServer

Please help me remember

2010-03-29T21:54:00.001-07:00

What do I have, God?
What do I have but You?
Are You not the One who saved me?
You raised me up out of the dead.
You took me into Your arms.
No need for me to dread,
Because in You there is joy.

But Father, O Father,
Something is hindering me,
O Lord, O Lord,
This cancerous being inside of me,
Dragging me down,
Blocking my view,
Suffocating the very desires You have given me,
They get in the way,
The pride presses upon me,
The lust that fill me with disgust.

I am horrified,
So horrified,
My sinfulness is so intense,
Imagine each thorn piercing through my heart,
Like blood gushing out,
Guts pouring out.

My energy drained,
Nothing seems to be right,
Everything wrong,
Where should I turn?

Am I loving You?
Am I loving them?
I can't figure it out.
Speak to me,
Speak to me,
Speak to me!
Cuz fear is here.
So much fear.

I've hurt so many,
My failures and mistakes sting them
My words have scarred so many hearts.
(O Lord, please bring healing to them.)

My pride fills me,
Enlarging me when I should've have enlarged You.
Makes me feel like I am spiritually superior,
When my faith is thin, so very thin.
So fearful of making even a step, Lord.

I want so much to place their needs above my own,
Yet thoughts of darkness just spring up and cloud over me,
Every moment,
every moment,
O Lord my heart dreads,
And black veins are taking over my being.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore...

But Lord, O Lord,
Do not let me go,
Hold on to me.

See my tears, God.
See my tears.
Listen to my cries, listen.
Please.
Please...help me.
...These failures are stacking up in front of me.
The stack goes higher and higher.
How am I supposed to love?
How? How? How?

...........................................

Father Lord.
You tell me to trust You with my whole life.
My heart, my soul, my mind, my strength.
And I guess that means...even my failures.
In fact, isn't that exactly what You want me to give over?

But it's harder than it sounds, God.
It's so frightful.
My sinfulness, God.
It tries to take over me.
It tries to grip me in fear.

I am not alright.
I am broken, completely broken.
I need You.

Maker of the universe,
Ruler of all creation,
King of all kings,
Lover of my soul,
You are able.
You are able.
You can carry me through, this I know.

But let this not be mere words, Father.
Let them reign over my entire being,
Every vein...submerge them with Your power.

But...I've hurt so many people in so many ways.
I've lusted,
I've been prideful,
I keep saying the wrong things,
I get distracted,
I suck at listening.
It pains me.
In all this, I've hurt You in so many ways.
So sick and tired of my selfishness.
So afraid, God.
SO AFRAID!
Afraid of my own evil.
Afraid of evil of others.
So afraid.
So afraid.
Can I stand the oppression of their hatred?
Can I stand the torment of the demons' work within me?

Enough!
Enough!
ENOUGH!

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."

I can do all things through You who strengthen me.
Take over, God, take over.
Take over me.

The intensity of my sinfulness tries to take over me and put me in fear.
But You say, "Fear not."
I give You my fear, Lord, for You are great than my sinfulness.

You are my Shepherd.

Lord, it seems like no matter what I do,
These sins are crushing upon me.
The weight of my sinfulness presses itself against my heart,
I feel so restless and tired.
I am so sick of this, God.
I can't do this on my own, Lord.
Lift this weight off.

I surrender to You, God.
I give it up to You.
Please take it away.
Help me live by faith and not by sight, Lord.

But what if I do this,
And I sin once again?
But what if I do that,
And I fall again?

"I've entrusted much to you, Wes."

...Lord, do not let me be like the wicked servant!
You have entrusted with me so much,
How can I still be so selfish as to hide all this?
Lord, You have given me
A spirit of power,
Of love,
And of self-discipline.

Let my trust be in You!
I lift up all my sins and failures to You.
I am confident, God,
That You love me unconditionally,
That You will complete the good work that You have started in me.
I will be strong and take heart,
And wait for the Lord.
In due time You will shine Your glory through!
I will wait upon You!
I will serve You with boldness and confidence!

Enough moaning,
Enough complaining!
Enough of being afraid!
I will trust You and place my hope in You!

I will give my all to You,
Knowing that You will provide
In every step of the way!

I am secured in Your love.
You watch over me.
You will strengthen me.
You hear me when I pray.
And I shall know and do all this
In great confidence!
Confidence!
Give me confidence, Lord!

I just ask that I would continue to give up everything to You,
With nothing in between You and me.
I just ask that You would continue to help me.
Help me love and only love.
Break me down until only love remains.

And please never let me forget
That without You,
No act of love is possible,
Please let me remember
to heed after Your Word
And seek You with all my heart always.
Even a single moment without You...
I will surely fall!

Please help me remember that
You are my first Love,
My most intense Lover,
My best Friend,
Who is in me and next to me,
Never giving up on me,
And always holding me.

If You are with me,
Then I will be okay.
If I come to You,
Then I will be okay.
You are greater than my sinfulness.
Your grace is sufficient for me,
for Your power is made perfect in weakness.
Please help me remember.

It will be hard,
It won't be easy,
It will be painful,
And the sins are still there,
But please help me remember.

The trial may still go on,
But please help me remember.

May I draw ever closer to You in love.

My Story and the Gospel

2010-03-20T18:53:00.001-07:00

For those of you who have never read the story of how God lead me to Him, I want to share it with you. I pray and hope that it will be a source of great blessing and encouragement to you.

This testimony specifically dives into my high school years. Some background information to note:
-By this time, I have already lived in four countries.
-I went to a Christian elementary school in Hong Kong for three years, but I did not grow up in the church.
-My dad became a Christian in China not too long before my freshman year in high school, so he brought me to a church when he came visit the United States around that time.
-This was written this past summer.

http://wesleyacheung.blogspot.com/2009/08/thisis-my-story_17.html

And here's a presentation of the gospel to remind us how powerfully deep God's love is for us:
http://wesleyacheung.blogspot.com/2009/11/true-love.html

May we be enthralled by God's great love for Him! May we be in great awe! May we praise Him and thank Him with our all!

Brothers and sisters in Christ

2010-03-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

A brother...he told me that he was slightly uncomfortable because he is calling a lot of other people around the world his brothers, but they hardly know him.

Here's the reply that God allowed me to write back to him:
"Okay, I don't know if I can simply use words to help you sink it in, but I'll depend on the Holy Spirit to write through me. Imagine this, you are going through the most horrifying experiences that you can think of that is possible on earth. You are being tormented every moment. Darkness clouds every corner of your life. You feel as if you are the only one who is going through this in all of existence, but that is not the case. Suddenly, you find out from someone that there's a person on the other side of earth that is going through the same thing as you. You may have never met this person before, but somehow, you're at a little bit more ease because you know you're not alone in your suffering. Let's name this person Takaki. Then suddenly, there's this other person who went to both you and Takaki, give up his whole life just for yours and Takaki's sake so that you two may finally be free from the torment that you have suffered from for so many years. Now you may have never met Takaki before, but this guy is someone who have shared both the ultimate pain that you have experienced, and the ultimate joy and life that has been given to you. You both experience the ultimate thankfulness towards the person who saved you two. There is almost a type of connection between you guys that is so tentatively amazing, yet no words can describe.

Well, I guess now you can guess which direction I am heading. We are all sinners who suffer from this disease of sin. Consumed by our selfish desires, we cannot change ourselves. We become insecure, angry, fearful, and worrying. We compare ourselves with different people and the superiority and inferiority complex that come and go constantly robs us of any happiness. We can't feel but always try to prove ourselves to people in some way, that we may gain their attention and win some status in their hearts. However, it becomes an endless cycle because we're always seeking for more. We eventually end up failing and hurting the people around us. Then Christ came and gave His life up for us so that we may be cured of the suffering and torment that we have faced for so long. He gives us a solution to the spiritual cancer. He promises us eternal life and abundant life through His love. We are cured and He promises us to turn us into the kind of creatures that can love Him and adore Him. He allows us to be a part of His divine happiness. The Lord of the universe, who is good, mighty, and loving, sees us and knows all our evil and malicious thoughts throughout the day, yet He would still not kill us or destroy us, but to actually give His life just to save us. And He is still giving His all today. So likewise, all the Christians around the world share this ultimate bond. They have all experienced the torment of the selfish life, and they have all been saved by the One who gave His all for us for our sake. So we all share this special connection that we can't really seem to come up with a name for. Haha, but God, He has allowed us to be brothers and sisters in Christ. And then the cooler thing is, we will all see each other one day and spend eternity together with the One who loves us with His All."

So in the end, all eyes are to Him, all focus are on Him, because He is the source of everything good! We adore Him and love Him because He pours out His all just to save us and is still doing everything for love's sake! He gives us infinite joy! And the intimacy that God allows among brothers and sisters in Christ is also only possible through Him.
How beautiful is our Father, our King, our Creator, our Savior!

Idol-Worshipers

2010-03-02T13:31:00.001-08:00

What this blog post demands from you is utmost honesty towards yourself.
You may see this as a sequel/continuation of my last message about being fully committed.

The topic is idol-worshipers.
Every time I heard a message with something related to this topic, my response would easily be:
1) I thought shortly of how it applied to me, and indeed it did. I prayed about it. It would be in my mind for at max two or three days, then slipped my mind.
Or...
2) I don't think I would truly fall victim to that again, it no longer applies to me.

For the past week, I was starting to have some trouble in my spiritual life. In fact, I failed a lot lately. For some reason, lust was starting to creep into my heart and tried to make reigns over me again. Prideful actions became more and more recurrent. I began developing a more irritable and selfish attitude to those around me. I became extremely worrisome over my future career. I was greatly troubled. What went wrong? What is God doing, I asked. Even my prayers...they became "disfigured", if I may say. It was horrid, the whole experience.

Once again, I had to honestly look at my heart. What is the problem?
By the grace of God, the Holy Spirit once again revealed to me, through thoughts, the drastically dangerous state I am in. I have become an idol-worshiper.
I look at my actions recently, my schedule, my primary concerns in my mind and prayers, and I discovered that the center of my heart is filled with all kinds of things reigning over me.

My looks. My reputation. My writing skills. My future. My grades. My major. This blog. My studying of apologetic. My reading of C.S. Lewis. My schedule. My agenda. Even the people in my life. These have all become idols in my life.

Please allow me to address these idols in their separate categories:

(My blog, apologetic, C.S. Lewis)
Yes, even these seemingly Christ-centered things can be idols if you suddenly start to seek after and be excited about these things more than God. In fact, any basis of your excitement for these things should come from God alone.

(People)
Many times on my blog I have mentioned that God will mold us into the kind of creature that can love Him and be a blessing to other people. Now I am convinced that the former is where our whole focus shall be on. Please don't mistaken me. People indeed shall be our treasures as we pour out our love to them for the sake of their needs and their potential or current relationship with God. However, we must also remember that if our place is right with God, we'll naturally gain a greater love for the people He has entrusted to us. For without Him, this task of loving others and placing their needs above our own will prove to be most difficult and we will surely fail when high extremes come upon us like unexpected waves of an ocean. Not only will this failure crush us, but it'll also bring about insecurity in our lives. Without God as the center, we start to demand attention and reciprocation from those we try to love, and in return, we become more selfish creatures ourselves when our original intention was to be selfless. But with Him, our love for Him and His love for us bring about abundance of love, joy, and peace toward others when we seek Him with all our heart. Because He unconditionally loves us, we are able to share that love with others without any expectation of returns. When trials of seeing people drift away from Him come, He replenishes us and gives us a hope to look forward to. He allows us to look at people through His eyes, and we remember that these people that we're called to love are people whom He loves so much more.
That is why people must not become an idol in our hearts.

(My looks. My reputation. My writing skills. My future. My grades. My major) (This type of idols may be different for you. Examples: singing, media, romantic relationship, the past, entertainment, etc) As to all the other idols, they are good things that don't necessarily need to be taken out of our lives, but we must ensure that they become Christ-centered things, things on which the sole foundation is Christ. They must be totally surrendered to Christ or they will drain a lot of your attention, time, and concentration away from the Lord, causing you much worry, anxiety, pain, and distress. However, if these idols cannot become Christ-centered things, they must be taken out of our lives at once.

My lordship must be given to God alone. He must reign over every bit of my being, every moment of my life. If I allow anything else to share that throne in my heart with Him, then doom is one destination I will definitely see myself heading towards: lust, pride, irritable attitudes towards others; being threatened, annoyed, disgusted; laziness, ineffectiveness in the Kingdom of God; not growing, remaining as a selfish person. Sins shall hold no power against us if His totality consumes us. In fact, as a brother of Christ said, we shall be able to "slap Satan silly" as all our strength and love rise from Him. But remember that this act of casting down our idols is not an overnight event, but a constant process in which we must continually seek after God with our lives and depend on Him wholeheartedly.

In this process, we may fail many times, so I want to address this issue with a quote:
“We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity—like perfect charity—will not be attained by any merely human efforts. You must ask for God’s help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection.” -C.S. Lewis [Mere Christianity]

One more thing. While we have God to help us cast down these idols that try to disconnect us from Him and turn us into beings that burn from our own selfishness, we must remember that non-Christians out there are defenseless against the whole work of idols. That is why we must carry on their weight, or take up the cross, and love our neighbors as ourselves as we love God with our lives.

Reign in Us by Starfield:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piH8dSwT9YA

Fully Committed

2010-02-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

Brothers and sisters, I want to share with you six occurrences that God has sent into my life these past few days.

First of all, for some reason, a sister in Christ kept mentioning something about being "all in" for her facebook status.

Then I watched this three-minute video by Francis Chan, a pastor at the Cornerstone church. He gives part of his testimony, talking about how his mom died at his birth, then his first stepmom died, then his dad died, then his second stepmom died, then his uncle shot his aunt, then his uncle shot himself; his life came to this extreme turbulence at the age of sixteen. He then goes to talk about how most Christians would start getting into safety mode instead of giving their all to God anymore. They end up living the life that God did not call them to and never tried to please Him or make an eternal impact in anyone's life. He says that's where the majority's headed, but he doesn't want to follow the majority.

Later on, I was fellowshipping my brother and we talked about the urgency to really step out of comfort zones and reach out to people. He told me a story that preacher Paul Washer talked about. Two Christian young men, in their late teens or twenties, one day met a slave owner near their church. Slaves nowadays don't get to leave their island and have to stay there. In addition, that slave owner says he's never going to come back to the location near the church again. Knowing this, the two young men decided to sell themselves to the slave owner so that they can spread the gospel on that island. When their parents came out of their church and saw their sons leaving, they were sad, but didn't oppose. When others tried to stop the two young men, the two replied with words that went something like, "Shall not the Lamb have the full reward of His suffering?!" He gave His all for us. So doesn't He deserve us fully too if we love Him?

This brother that I was fellowshipping with also showed me a video of Paul Washer preaching on the streets of Peru. Seeing him so bravely step up in front of people and telling them his own testimony, who Jesus is, and the gospel itself; seeing that people who pass by are actually listening in on him, I really admire what God has done through him.

Yesterday, I listened to a sermon by Ajith Fernando that talks about how Christians are called to lay down their lives for the ones that God has entrusted to them. One of the many Scriptural references the pastor pointed to was John 10:11-15.
Jesus says: "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

'I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep."
The pastor talks about how Christianity is a covenant faith. God has entered into a binding agreement with us and He pours His love to us no matter what happens. So as a result, we also stick to Him no matter what happens. God calls the church the body of Christ and we must also to stick to the body. The speaker shares his experiences of how loving someone hurts: seeing someone going astray when you, with your whole heart, desire for his welfare. This is especially the case when you invest your love into a Christian who goes astray. However, the greatest pains lead to greatest joys. He then points to how meanwhile, there are five biblical truths that help us endure pains of commitment.
First, we all belong to the same body. Jesus is the head of the body. What is best for the individual must be best for the body. Involvement in the body is painful, but through these struggles, we also learn: learn to love, learn to hold on to our commitment, learn to have total dependency on God.
Second, the Word commands us to strive for unity. Ephesians 4:13 calls us to be eager, to make every effort, to do one's best for the sake of unity. Philippians 2:1-4 calls us to practice humility. We have to fight against jealousy and envy by perhaps praying for the blessings of the envied person, so that when that person is blessed by God, we're happy. We need to consider others better than ourselves, knowing that everybody is better than us in something, so that we do not have senses of superiority over anyone. Superiority leads to disunity.
Third, God is greater than the problem. Romans 8:28 says all things work together for the good for those who love Him, for those who are called according to His purposes.
Fourth, God's love is greater than the hurt and anger we have. Romans 5:5 says "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." In some other translations, "poured out his love into our hearts" is translated into "flooded his love into our hearts."
Fifth, the conversion of the world is connected to our unity. Disunity of the church downplays the power of the gospel. Nonbelievers will be confused at the sight. With all that said, Christians are people who need to be fully committed to their friends. Good shepherds lay down their lives for their friends.
Our world today is full of people who are hurt because they have been promised by someone that they will be loved no matter what, but that person abandons them as soon as s/he is caught up with his/her own agenda. Perhaps that person is the hired hand mentioned in John 10:11-15. Commitment breeds commitment. If leaders die for their church, people die for the church. Just as because Christ has died for us, we are able to die for others. Then Ajith said something that really hit me. He said, "if you don't fully give yourself to the group, you won't enjoy the group." "Someone unwilling to commit fully cannot enjoy fully." God fully commits to us no matter what happens. After having experienced God's long-term commitment, after having experienced love that comes to us no matter what happens from God, being able to first-hand experience that, we should fully commit ourselves to others.

Finally, I've been notified that in the past week and a half, two people committed suicide on my campus.

You know, for the past week, I've been complaining a lot to God about my academic circumstances. I am ranked in the bottom 25 percent in one of my classes when my grade is supposed to be dependent on my rank. Then because I spent so much time in that class, all my other works were behind in other classes. Not to mention that this past week I've been sick: coughs, runny nose, and that fuzziness in the head you feel when you are sick. I've also been constantly gripped by my concern for my future as I got intimidated by my current academic situation and the high competition level in my field of study. While all this was happening, I found myself getting really distracted in my prayers lately. I would pray, and then my thoughts would start to wander off. Even during one of my most favorite times of the day: my morning prayer with God in the shower, I've been really really distracted.

It wasn't until last night, after hearing Ajith's message, that I started to see the link between the occurrences I shared with you. God has once again greatly sent me a message, and I had been ignorant of it until last night.

"All in". Living out fully what God wants for me instead of following the majority. Giving my whole self because God fully deserves it with all that He's done. Reaching out to lost people and standing up in courage. Laying down my life for others and being in full commitment. Two people who were in such deep despair that they decided to give up living while I moaned and complained about my circumstances. They were looking for the hope that is tucked away in you and me.

I look back to my past week and I see that I lost the excitement I had for each day. Why? Because I wasn't fully giving myself to God. I've been so distracted in my prayers. Why? Because I wasn't all in. I've been complaining about my own circumstances when two people out there killed themselves. Why? Because I've been so focused on myself when I could have been fully committed to God, people, and their needs. "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19) God will provide all my needs for me, even my academics, even my health. My job is not to be beaten down by my circumstances, my job is to take up the cross daily. You know, God calls us to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5b) That means, whenever I am not doing the work God has assigned me to do or resting, I should be reading His Word, thinking about Him, pondering upon His great love, talking to Him, or praying for the people He loves so much and has sent into our lives to entrust them to us.

God has called me to be fully committed to Him and the people He has entrusted to us. That means I give my whole self, not hesitating, not being half stepped in. Every moment of my life, I long to be Christ-centered, and if I am not, I want to quickly ask Him to help me do so. I need total dependence on Him. I need His love to transform me into a creature of love so that I can be a source of blessing to other people, so that I may lead people to Who they were made for. By being fully committed, I can enjoy fully and experience freedom and joy. Abundant life is once again tasted! The Lord is good indeed! I pray and hope that you would also be fully committed after reading what God had me share with you. Don't just let it pass by your head. Pray for God to help you take concrete steps in fully giving yourself to Him and people. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13).

"I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God.
Bend down and listen as I pray." (Psalm 17:6)

2 Desperation Band songs I want to share with you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTJqndfHEJs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBOUNEbIoUY

"Will You take hold of me?"

2010-02-09T16:05:00.000-08:00

This is a prayer that I wrote down as a song during my times of trial. The Lord gave me the melody during my times of troubles and I pray that the Lord will, in some way, use this song as a blessing to you if you are going through similar conditions. For then we remember we are not alone in our sufferings. Furthermore, the Lord allows us to go through trials because He loves us and wants to mold us into creatures of greater love, into greater sources of blessings for those around us. Let us continue to completely rely on and trust in the Lord. The greatest commandments remain: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all you strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Let us continue to ask Him for His love to guide us as He holds our right hand. Strength for learning through the pain and trials. Strength for love others and placing their needs above our own.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

"And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.'

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. " (Hebrews 12:5-11)

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13)

Song also somewhat inspired by Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcFsKqK0lyM

Lyrics:
Will You take hold of me?

"Lord, I am so so troubled.
I don't know what to do,
My mind's like a spiral, full of confusion
Its like a war, inside of me.

Will You take hold of me?
Rest my heart? Cuz I am so in need of You
Lord I want to let it go,
It's killing me, I need Your help right now.

Father, the pride inside me,
The selfishness in me,
They're burning inside, I need Your love now
Break me free please,
I cannot do it myself

Will You take hold of me?
Rest my heart? Cuz I know I can trust in You.
Lord I want to let it go,
Everything, I give it all to You.

Break away the walls,
Make them tumble down,
Take away the scales off my eyes.
Let me see their needs,
I give myself to You.
Use me as a source of blessing.

Break away the walls,
Make them tumble down,
Take away the scales off my eyes.
Help me love them, Lord.
They are so in need of You.
Let me take up my cross daily.

Will You take hold of me?
Rest my heart? Cuz they're so in need of You.
Lord I want to let it go,
Everything, I give it all to You.

Will You take hold of me?
Rest my heart? Bring in me Your love, joy, and peace.
Lord I want to let it go,
Its only You who can heal these wounds right now.

So hold my hand...so hold my hand...so hold my hand."

Our God Provides

2010-02-06T20:15:00.000-08:00

I think that one thing that we often times forget when we are serving God and giving ourselves to Him is that He provides.
So often times I come up with excuses such as I am too tired. Sometimes I allow fear to get in the way of me approaching someone and in turn miss out an opportunity to relate with that person in love. Sometimes during conversations with others, I allow my excuses and fears to both drown out God's voice.
But if God calls us to a task, He provides. Something extremely significant and perhaps even simple, but easily forgotten.
You're tired? God gives you strength to love if you would give yourself to Him and talk to that person.
Scared of awkwardness? Either you lay down your fear before Him and allow Him to speak through you, or you let your head be full of worries and in turn drown out His voice.
Fear of failure? If you indeed do fail, then that failure leads to humility, something that we need to embrace, so that we may continue to rely on Him and ask for growth.
There are a lot of other examples I can mention, but let God speak to you instead.

Only five loaves of bread and two fish? He provided and fed the multitude.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." (2 Corinthians 9:8)

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen." (Philippians 4:19-20)

Let us hold on to His promises because we know how much He loves us.

One Element of Love

2010-01-31T17:48:00.000-08:00

To be honest, loving someone can be really hard. Nevertheless, Jesus wants us to carry the cross, the burden of love, daily, so that we may be sources of blessing for others. We reap what we sow. The eventual outcome of love is beautiful beyond imaginations and brings about tremendous joy.

One element of love is that your focus and concentration is on the beloved, on the beloved's welfare and on the beloved's heart condition. The more you love a person, place ownership over that person, and invest your time in him or her, the more you yearn for that person's heart to be at the right place. From this, either great pains result, or great joy. Love is indeed vulnerable. It can hurt so much when you pour out your whole heart to love and care for someone. Apostle Paul actually describes it very vividly when writing to the Galatians church. When he saw that his brothers and sisters in that church were not in the right place with God, Paul said that he was in the "pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in [them]" (Galatians 4:19).

As the Lord continues to mold me and guide me through many trials, He has increased my capacity to love, though I still have a long way to go. One thing I started to experience through love was the want for connection. By connection, I mean really allowing the other person to know how much you care for him or her, how much you really want him or her to not make the wrong choices, not get sick, not suffer through wrong decisions, etc. Even something as simple as wanting the beloved to sleep early because he or she has to wake up early the next morning, but that person simply replies with a confirmation groan and goes on with his or her own agenda, even something as simple as that, it can hurt. Love is vulnerable. At the same time it strongly desires the welfare of the beloved, it doesn't force the beloved into returning that love with actions, love gives in to the other person. Love is vulnerable. There are greater scales on which I have been hurt, such as seeing a brother whom I have come so close to fall into a serious trap of lust and not listen to reasoning until later on. Oh how it pained me.
However, at the same time, as I see how love can pain me so much, I am reminded of all the ways I have personally pained my own parents as I selfishly act out of apathy towards them when I am too tired after them not having seen me for so long. Something I really had to repent of. It must have pained them so much when they so deeply desired to see their child again and connect with him.

Above all, I start to understand God's heart a little more. How much more pain He must feel seeing His children fall into the wrong choices and suffer from their bad decisions. How much more pain must He feel when He wants to connect with us and allow us to know how much He loves us, yet we sometimes ignore Him and carry on with our agenda. He is love after all. He is trustworthy. He wants to provide to His children. He wants His children to know what infinite joy awaits them if they turn to Him. But whenever we turn away, oh the tremendous pain He must feel because He loves us.

But the love we determine to continue to give out through Him who strengthens us also gives us tremendous joy if we do not give up. We reap what we sow. The small accumulations of the actions we carry out through love in His name will eventually give out great harvest. The joy of seeing people coming to Christ. The joy of lives being transformed. The joy of finally seeing people with a life of purpose, love, and joy. And this joy ultimately outweighs all the pains we may have experienced before. Love is beautiful.
No wonder our loving Father would run to the prodigal son and throw a huge celebration.

Brothers and sisters, I pray that we would all not grow weary in doing good, let us not give up. Our God is with us. Through our personal experience and remembering of His unconditional love, we are able to keep loving despite what heads in our way.
He is our Refuge, our Rock, our Redeemer, our Strength, our Protection, our Provider, our Friend, our Father, our everything.

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Galatians 6:7-10)

A Distance? Taking the Step.

2010-01-21T21:19:00.000-08:00

The journey of a Christian can sometimes seem so complicated. In fact, right now, as I ponder the past few days of my bonding time with my Savior and Lord, I am bewildered. Yet...it is something beautiful.
A retreat is coming up tomorrow, one about having a personal relationship with God.
One of the biggest stumbling blocks in my heart lately comes from resisting the humility that I asked God for. I don't know if this is true for all Christians. But truly, the more I grow, the more I see myself as a sinner. Sometimes I am even horrified at myself for coming up with a certain thoughts. But that same thought years ago, before I followed my Lord, it might have been something I allowed myself to become. Something soaked into my soul and drenched into my everyday life, becoming part of my depression back then. Perhaps on a even deeper level, my pride was saying that because I have such horrifying thoughts, I was more unique than others. Indeed that was a mentality I had back then before I was given freedom by my God. I always placed my identity on my uniqueness, mysteriousness, and level of how profound I am in expressing myself. The moment someone figured out my intentions or disagreed with the the profoundness of my thoughts, I became bitter.
Now as a Christian, being able to dig deep into my heart long enough and being able to see these really dark corners, it's really scary. You know when Jesus washed apostle Peter's feet? The dirtiest part of him, of course Peter responded with surprise and perhaps even somewhat a horrified feeling consumed him. How could the God of the universe, Who is completely clean and holy, Who is the Highest of high, the God who created me and you and Peter, stoop so low as to touching the most awful, the nastiest, the most horrifying and disgusting part of us?
But Jesus...He said, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me" (John 13:8).
I have to admit that it is so scary. I am not even able to face myself sometimes. I am a disgusting, dirty and rotten sinner. The more I grow as a Christian, the more I see that. Honestly, having to honestly face my own heart, it's like someone choking me. But then...the Lord says that He is willing to face it...and still love me...and not only that. He is able to wash it. He wants to wash my heart, if I am willing to let Him. That's how personal He wants to get in this relationship.
So often times, we see the darkest corners of our hearts and we want to polish them before revealing them to God. We try to clean ourselves with our own power. But how far does that get us? Nowhere. Pride, restlessness, bitterness towards the self step in. But our God...our Savior...He tells us to just surrender. It might look hard from the distance, from before taking the step to surrender. But after doing so, it's liberating, it's beautiful, and it makes you want to cry in awe and thankfulness.
He is beautiful.

I wonder on what level He will allow me to be personal with Him after this coming retreat.

A Tumor Removed

2010-01-09T14:57:00.000-08:00

Something amazing happened from Wednesday 1/6/2010 to Friday 1/8/2010. Something beautiful, something refreshing, something that I wish to share.

By the grace of God, I truly had the heart to follow Jesus everyday as my focus starting November 2008. The sweetness of His love and His will for us, I embraced and let it take over more and more each day, resulting in utmost and beautiful joy. The next few months were great, seeing how God took me out of my three year depression and restoring me step by step. Anger slowly slipped away. For the first time in my life, I felt that I had friends with whom I can have relationships with forever, literally. God took out my fear for the future, reassuring me that He will guide me through every step of the way. He gave me the strength to face the trials that came in my way, and through them I was able to grow. Such loving acts of our Father those few months became a very tiny preview of heaven, even though it was already so great.

I saw myself transformed by God and I progressed. But I think somewhere along the way, a small tumor was growing at the same time. Perhaps beginning in around end of summer, maybe when Fall 2009 began. Don't get me wrong, my life was still in Christ, He was still my Lord, and I was continually learning things from Him. He brought me to an amazing fellowship in college, and I am ever so thankful. But I believe, during the first semester of my college career, a tumor was growing and I was unaware of it most of the time.

Okay, let's backtrack a little bit. Around the end of my high school career and the duration of summer 2009, I think God, by His grace and love, had given me a lot of good works to do and He used me to do many great things that I could have never imagined myself doing before I decided to follow Him everyday. But I think in that time, something happened. Pieces of my trust of God fell out and attached themselves to the works I do.

Bringing the time back forward to fall 2009, throughout the semester, I saw that my joy was slowly slipping away. I had no idea why. My joy was not as full, abundant, or strong as it was in the past. I was extremely puzzled. One point during the semester, I thought I found a deeper depth to this dilemma and thought I finally solved the case. That was not the case. It seems that there was another problem. Nevertheless, I continued to seek after Him everyday, asking Him to lead the way, surrendering my days to Him. In His love and in His grace, He answered all of that. But at the same time, I think He was weeping too while He was doing all that for me, because the tumor in me was growing.

The semester continued to go by. He continued to teach me. He continued to allow me to give myself to others. He continued to grant wisdom to me. He gave me chances to love my roommate, who is not saved. He gave me chances to really connect with some precious brothers and sisters in Christ. The fellowship I joined continued to be a greater and greater blessing.
He continued to give me a lot of good works. He allows me to start reading CS Lewis, which is another great blessing. Winter break began, and He gave me a lot of purpose and things to do the first two weeks. I gave my agenda to Him and He allowed me to serve my parents. He gave me the task of leading the reunion of my high school fellowship, even gave me a message to deliver to the precious brothers and sisters that I had not seen for awhile. I was in awe of Him as He allowed Himself to be seen and felt in every bit and moment on that reunion day, I was so thankful, and still am. But the tumor was growing in the process too, and He wept.
After the beautiful moments that He allowed me to have with my high school friends, I returned to my parents' house, which is an hour away. Then came the third week of my winter break.

At this point, the cancer has gotten serious, but I was still unaware. The first few days of my third week was extremely restless and I started falling into trends of a particular sin. I felt horrible. I did not know why. The sight of the many flaws in me began to broaden. Each moment felt so hard to live, my heart felt discontent. I was asking God to save me from this. What was happening I did not know. At first, part of this discontent came from the fact that some pieces of my security were placed in my relationships with the brothers and sisters I missed, but then that soon after was not the case as I was reminded by God how He is the only One who can provide me all that I need, not them. But why was joy not there? Why was I discontent still? Why was I so restless? Why did I feel so horrible? Why did every moment suddenly become so hard to live? I reflected.
I saw that part of the reason was that God had been giving me so many tasks to do that the sudden absence of tasks felt a little tormenting. My task to plan a God-centered reunion for my high school friends was suddenly gone and they started going to school. But I was still blind to the tumor until 1/6/2010.

I was resuming the book The Reason for God by Timothy Keller, which I started reading the first week of break. I was reading the chapter "Religion and the Gospel". The result? I was convicted and I finally saw the tumor in me. I had become a Pharisee. Pieces of my trust and identity have been placed in my own spiritual maturity, my tasks for God, and my own ability to produce a faith for Him. Particularly, what Timothy quoted from Richard Lovelace hit me very directly.

"Many...draw their assurance of acceptance with God from their sincerity, their past experience of conversion, their recent religious performance or the relative infrequency of their conscious, willful disobedience." (Richard Lovelace, The Dynamics of Spiritual Life, pp. 212ff.)

I began to be "more driven by the despair of sin" and I began to "build [my] sense of worth on [my] moral and spiritual performance." (Timothy Keller, The Reason for God, pp. 184)
After I became aware of my tumor of Pharisaism, I read on as Timothy begins to talk about the difference of grace. And from this, God began to use this text to carry out the surgery that is needed on my heart, to begin to remove the tumor that has caused me so much pain. I am going to quote all the parts from the book that particularly hit me directly:

pp. 186:
"Religion operates on the principle "I obey--therefore I am accepted by God." But the operating principle of the gospel is "I am accepted by God through what Christ has done--therefore I obey."

"In religion, we try to obey the divine standards out of fear. We believe that if we don't obey we are going to lose God's blessing in this world and the next. In the gospel, the motivation is one of gratitude for the blessing we have already received because of Christ. While the moralist is forced into obedience, motivated by fear of rejection, a Christian rushes into obedience, motivated by a desire to please and resemble the one who gave his life for us."

pp. 187:
"In Christ I could know I was accepted by grace not only despite my flaws, but because I was willing to admit them. The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time...I cannot feel superior to anyone and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less. I don't need to notice myself--how I'm doing, how I'm being regarded--so often."

pp. 188:
"His grace both humbles me more deeply than religion can (since I am so flawed to ever save myself through my own effort), yet it also affirms in me more powerfully than religion can (since I can be absolutely certain of God's unconditional acceptance).

pp. 190 (Timothy began talk about a woman who never knew a Christian is saved by grace rather than works until she started attending his church):
"She knew that if she was a sinner saved by grace, she was (if anything) more subject to the sovereign Lordship of God. She knew that if Jesus really had done all this for her, she would not be her own. She would joyfully, gratefully belong to Jesus, who provided all this for her at infinite cost to himself."

pp. 191 (Timothy began using the character Valjean from Victor Hugo's Les Miserables as an example of a recipient of grace):
"Valjean chooses to let grace have its way with him. He gives up his deep self-pity and bitterness and begins to live a life of graciousness toward others. He is changed at the root of his being."

pp. 192:
"The gospel makes it possible to have such a radically different life. Christians, however, often fail to make use of the resources of the gospel to live the lives they are capable of in Christ."

Through the Holy Spirit, Timothy has written great truths that God was able to use to penetrate through my heart and remove that tumor that has been there tormenting me for so long, restoring my joy. I have been so focused on the tasks given to me that I have lost sight of the root of it all, His unconditional acceptance and love for me. It is because I am so extremely and ultimately flawed that Jesus had to die for me and was glad to do it because He loves me. I have been so lost in my work for Him that that I had allowed His love that is unconditional to escape my mind. But now by His grace, I am restored once again in His love and joy. Like the prodigal son I have run back to Him, or rather, He has run to me.
As I pondered about His great love and truly fell in love with Him once again, my prayer was that I would be able to fully embrace the gospel, live it out, and love Him more.
God has truly allowed Timothy, a brother whom I am so so so thankful for, to write more beautiful stuff later on in the book. Because I feel that I have already quoted so much from his book, I am only going to quote one significant part that made me tear up yesterday as I was finishing up the book. It is from the chapter entitled "The Dance of God", which talks about the relational, self-giving and loving nature of our triune God and includes a sort of a summary of the Bible.

"Paul calls Jesus 'the last Adam.' As the first Adam was tested in the Garden of Eden, the last Adam (Jesus) was tested in the Garden of Gethsemane. The first Adam knew that he would live if he obeyed God about the tree. But he didn't. The last Adam was also tested by what Paul called a "tree", the Cross. Jesus knew that he would be crushed if he obeyed his Father. And he still did.

Why did Jesus die for us? What was Jesus getting out of it? Remember, he already had a community of joy, glory, and love. He didn't need us. So what benefit did he derive from this? Not a thing. And that means that when he came into the world and died on the cross to deal with our sins, he was circling and serving us. 'I have given them the glory that you gave me' (John 17). He began to do with us what he had been doing with the Father and the Spirit from all eternity. He centers upon us, loving us without benefit to himself." (Timothy Keller, The Reason for God, pp. 230)

At the reading of grace and Jesus' love for us, at the removal of the tumor, I am reminded of so many things, especially of how I do what I do and resist sin not for my own goodness and morality, but because of simply the fact that I am in love with my God. Somewhere in the book, Timothy Keller talks about how when you are really in love with someone, and you know for a fact that person loves you back fully, that feels like heaven. Right now, I can honestly say I am so in love with God, who unconditionally accepts me and loves me and gave Himself to me at an infinite cost. Seriously, I am in love with God.

Actually, three more things I want to quote. Two from when Timothy Keller talks about heaven in the end of the "The Dance of God" chapter (one quote from the Bible and one quote from CS Lewis). The third again from the Bible.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things is passed away. (Revelations 21:4)

"And when we get there, we will say, I've come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I've been looking for all my life, though I never knew it! And it will by no means be the end of our story. In fact, as C. S. Lewis put it, all the adventures we have ever had will end up being only 'the cover and the title page.' Finally we will be begin 'Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read; which goes on forever; in which every chapter in better than the one before.'" (Timothy Keller, The Reason for God, pp. 236)

After being reminded of His unconditional acceptance and love, after being reminded of what He has done for us even though He did not gain a thing from it but only did it so that we can join God's dance of infinite love and infinite joy, and after being reminded of how the root of all that I do is because I am so in love with God and want to please Him with all my heart, I have learned to embrace what Jesus says here more fully.
""As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." (John 9-12)

Lord God, I'll let my words be few. I am so in love with You. May I do whatever that please You oh Lord. Thank You for loving me. In view of Your love, help me love others as You have loved me. Thank You! 2010 is going to be great God, as I fall more in love with You and see more of Your glory, despite the many trials that may come. I love You God. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

P.S.: The Reason for God by Timothy Keller is now my favorite book after the Bible. I originally read it for the purpose of only gaining apologetic knowledge, but God has been using it to be a great source of spiritual growth for me, and I am so thankful. I recommend it for everyone, both Christians and non-Christians.

God is my Lover

2010-01-04T16:55:00.000-08:00

It was the second last weekend of school before break when I was going through 1 Corinthians 13 with my Christian brother peers at Berkeley. Throughout 1 Corinthians, Apostle Paul's message to the Corinthians church is mainly unity and love. 1 Corinthians 12 talks of the church being the body of Christ, how each part has its own role, equally important to any other spiritual gift that God has given to him or her. Then 1 Corinthians 13 goes on to say that there is one thing that every Christian must pray for and seek for aside from all spiritual gifts, and that is love. No matter what spiritual gift you’re carrying out, no matter what great sacrifice you have done for others, if it is not done in love, then it means nothing. I was greatly convicted as I saw that the wisdom God has so graciously given me throughout the past two months as I daily asked for it was not shared and spoken out in love as I talked with my brothers. I was so focused on getting the point across that I ignored their human emotions and therefore did not speak in love. So on that Saturday on which I was convicted, I asked God to forgive me and help me act in love, in everything that I do.

Turns out of course, it’s not as easy as it sounds. Acting and serving others in love was extremely difficult. On Tuesday, it even became my breaking point. As that day went on, I felt extremely broken and could hardly focus on my chemistry final studying. I felt like I was in pieces, that everything I was doing was failing. I looked to my roommate and complained to God. “I have loved him for so long and he’s still not a Christian. Why, God? What the heck?” The first half of that day was not a good sensation. I was even tempted to think in ways that I used to think before I became a new creation in Christ, being wholly controlled by my circumstances, but God in His grace kept me from falling into this temptation. As I began to clear my head a little and self-reflect more, God started talking to me through thoughts. He reminded me of something. He said, “Wes, you’ve been so focused on serving people that you have forgotten to have sweet quality fellowship time with Me.”

Later on that night, I once again had devotional time with my Christian peers, I thanked God after that devotional time that I did not speak out abruptly and not in love. As I slowly walked across campus and back to my dorm room, I reflected and prayed more about my heart and conditions that day. Then that night, as I was slowly changing clothes and preparing to sleep, God finally revealed to me the lesson He wanted to teach me. Through my thoughts, the Spirit said, “Wes, you’ve been so focused on serving people that you are forgetting to have fellowship with Me. Think about it. How often in your prayers do you actually say, ‘I love You, God’, despite the circumstances?” I was greatly surprised by our God. I was extremely convicted by this. He went on. He had me think of a person whom I always want to be around, talk to, and share my concerns with. Then He said, “How often do you actually approach Me as you would approach such a person? My relationship with you should be far deeper than that. Imagine the deep romantic relationships that people fantasize, My relationship with you should be beyond that, with great love! And it is by being intimate with the Source of love, which is Me, will you be able to act in love or serve others with love, by loving Me first.” He also said, “Christians nowadays always say that Christianity is not a religion, but a love relationship, how often do you actually approach Me as if it is a love relationship?”

Finally, right as I went onto my bed and as I tried to pray for my roommate, He gave me one more revelation. He had me imagine two very close friends at a table in a conversation, both deeply concerned about one friend whom they both know; sharing their thoughts on how to help that one friend in a certain situation s/he is in. The conversation itself is wholly flowing from love, concern, and care. God told me that when I pray for a friend, it is almost like that, with God next to me, and the two of us sharing our deep concern and love for that one friend that needs prayer. The only difference is that God loves that person way more than I do.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." (John 15:12)

The Wisdom Series: Fear of the Lord

2009-12-22T15:57:00.001-08:00

Wisdom, I believe, is one thing that all Christians should earnestly ask for as they approach their loving Heavenly Father. It is one of the most beautiful blessings that stems from Him.

For the past two months, God had me started asking for wisdom everyday and indeed He has given me so. There are specifically several areas of wisdom that I think He wants me to share with you, but before that, I must turn back to the source of wisdom.

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline." (Proverbs 1:7)

This verse has actually always puzzled me. What does it mean to fear the Lord? God has always told His disciples to not be afraid. In fact, fear is something that plagues us everyday. Love is risky and vulnerable, and one clear obstacle to loving people is obviously fear. So what does fear of the Lord mean? Surely fear of the Lord is one with loving our God because fear of the Lord is good, something to be praised, while loving our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength is the greatest commandment. I constantly asked God for the answer. For if He has given me wisdom, surely I must have at least traces of fear of the Lord in my own spiritual life.

With the recent book that God has used Max Lucado to write, He has finally answered me. The book's name is Fearless. It dissects every fear we as humans face, and address how God wants us to react to each of them in specific ways of trusting in Him and exposing our fears before Him. It's an amazing book, by the way, I wholly recommend it. The second last chapter then addresses the fear of the Lord, and it is with this chapter that God will help me start the wisdom series on this blog.

Paraphrased and Summarized from Max Lucado's Fearless:
Often times, we tend to put a box around God. We try to define Him in a certain way. Some people see Him as a good luck charm. Some see Him only as the One who provides money. Some see Him as a set of laws and doctrines. Some see Him as a recipe, that if they react in some certain way, God will react in some certain way. Politicians uses Jesus as an excuse for their conservative ideas. People try to control and predict their gods. They want to keep God in His place because everything else is already out of control. But the truth is that no one can contain Jesus Christ into a box. He is unpredictable. King and Servant at the same time, He has no bounds around Him. Every word that Jesus' contemporaries on earth tried to define Him as, the box breaks. "His Palestinian contemporaries tried, mind you. They designed an assortment of boxes. But he never fit one. They called him a revolutionary; then he paid his taxes. They labeled him as a country carpenter, but he confounded scholars. They came to see his miracles, but he refused to cater. He defied easy definitions. He was a Jew who attracted Gentiles. A rabbi who gave up on synagogues. A holy man who hung out with streetwalks and turncoats. In a male-dominated society, he recruited females. In an anti-Roman culture, he opted not to denounce Rome. He talked like a king yet lived like a pilgrim. People tried to designate him. They couldn't." (Fearless, Max Lucado 164) (I really hope Max doesn't mind me quoting him)
But when we come to realize that God in His purest form is greater than all else, all human powers, all fears, all troubles, all forces, when we see that He is the One who put the stars onto the sky and parted the Red Sea, when we see God for Who He really is, who is everywhere and here all the time, our pride strips away and we begin to fall to the ground on our faces. Fear of the Lord is the fear that expels all other fears because we see that God is greater than all our troubles and fears. When He makes Himself known to us and we truly grasp Who He is with our whole hearts, we turn in awe to Him and we do not fear the wrong things. "'Fear of the Lord' is the deeply sane recognition that we are not God." (Ellen F. Davis)
(Once again, the whole paragraph before is credited to Spirit's work through Max Lucado, no copyright infringement intended)

Now going back to the verse:
"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline." (Proverbs 1:7)
By knowing God for Who He really is, then we start to know that He is love as He gave Himself to us and died on the cross for us. We start seeking to know Him more and also to love Him more as He reveals more of Himself, and along with that what He wants of us, and thus comes wisdom and knowledge. I start to see the things He has planned for us. I start to surrender to Him as I know that is what I was created to do. I start to learn to love as He loves me and gives all of Himself to me.
Upon seeing how powerful and mighty He is, upon seeing how perfect His love, upon seeing how great His love, upon seeing how vulnerable His love, I don't want to go on breaking my Father's heart, I don't want to go on displeasing my Father, I want to have the Father in every moment of my life, I want to have fellowship with my God, and along with that I no longer want to offend Him with my sins.
And to do all that, I must and have to depend on God's love and wisdom to guide me on the path of my life. Thus, this is where wisdom comes in. Wisdom is extremely precious and God uses King Soloman to really emphasize how the godly must embrace wisdom.
We need wisdom to learn how to love our God more, how to love people more, and to stay away from the ugliness of sins.
Now I introduce the purpose of the wisdom series on this blog. For several months now, God has prompted me to really use this blog to write encouragements and lessons that will really draw believers close to God and fall deeper in love with Him. Now God wants me to share the wisdom He has given me to extend this purpose.
Specifically, I will dive into the wisdom against lust, wisdom against cursing, and wisdom in how to love.
But those future posts aside, I pray and hope that you would start asking for wisdom from God daily, in that He may continue to use you to guide many to Him and help you discern what is right and what is wrong, and above all, know how to act in love always.

The God of wisdom and love be with you.

"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11:2

Out of love,
In Christ,
Wesley

Christmas Season/Holidays

2009-12-19T12:19:00.000-08:00

Dear brothers and sisters,
For the past three weeks, outside of my finals studying, God has been preparing me and molding me so that I would be more ready to love and serve Him, love and serve people, and use this blog to reveal more of what He wants me to share with you who are so precious in His eyes. This letter will serve as a bridge between my last post and the future posts because I have not posted on this blog for awhile.

As we approach this holiday season together, I really want to just emphasize how easy it is to fall into the chair of laziness, sitting around and doing nothing. When laziness comes about, it's really an extreme obstacle to our growth. So I urge you, brothers and sisters, that you would not sit around, but actually approach this Christmas season with eternal purposes. Get equipped, seek for wisdom, dive into His Word everyday, serve others. This is the golden opportunity in which you are not concerned with work, so that all the time you can be serving God and serving people, what we are made for, where joy springs from.
As for the ultimate day, Christmas, itself, unless the gift you want to buy for a brother or sister is something you really want the other person to have, then you don't really have to buy that gift. As children of God, we really already have everything we need. Writing Christmas cards that are heartfelt are so much better in that it can create deeper relationships altogether. And more importantly, it is the best time to reflect upon how God gave His all for us: Almighty God abandoning heavenly riches and stepping down into human history for our sake, so that He may save us from the helplessness we were in as we were kicking about and struggling in the bruises and blood that have been caused by sins.

In the coming weeks, I plan to write to you about two things: wisdom and love. Wisdom is something that God has me pray for and seek for everyday for two months now and indeed He is faithful to have given me much wisdom. And now, this is what He wants me to share with you. So please, pray for me, pray for this blog, in that God may use it as a blessing to many, spurring them towards spiritual growth in Christ Jesus, the Son of God, who loves us and gives Himself to us.

I pray and hope that you would fall deeper and deeper in love with Him as this break progresses.
The God of wisdom, peace, righteousness, and love be with you.

In Christ,
Wesley

God says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2009-11-29T20:19:00.000-08:00

It is when I am weak that I am strong.

This statement is truly powerful in that when said with my whole heart, it allows God to work in me and with me, it allows me to feel God's power personally, it allows me to grow dependent on Him and fall into a deeper love relationship with Him.
I realize now that this statement becomes more and more powerful as one grows in Christ. The more I grow, the more I become humble, the more I realize the weaknesses that still reside in me, the more I realize that I still have to heavily depend on God to cure me and work with my heart.

This past weekend was Thanksgiving and I returned to my parents' home for Thursday and Friday, then I had a reunion with some of my most precious brothers and sisters in Christ from the Christian fellowship I was part of in high school on Saturday, and I visited my old church this morning. For the past three months in Berkeley, God has matured me tremendously. He has blessed me with an amazing church with such a powerful community that is completely God-centered. For the past year, through this church's ministries (Gracepoint Fellowship Church), over 140 lost sinners have been found through Christ Jesus our Lord. Praise God! That is amazing. And I still tear up every time I know someone has been saved, that means changed life, that means salvation, that means that person will no longer be crushed by the desires and weights of this world. I am thankful for this church. This church's pastor gives messages that convict me almost every week and I am able to look into my heart and ask God to help me mature and grow so that I may become a stronger lover of Christ and people.
Before I returned to my parents and my precious brothers and sisters from my high school, I was thinking that I could carry all that I've learned from Berkeley into my old environments with some sort of ease, but I was wrong. After stepping into my parents' house for awhile, I became vulnerable to the ways that I would be more dependent on my parents rather than more dependent on God. I was vulnerable to sitting around in the house rather than getting my love for them into action by helping to wash dishes or something to lighten their burdens. When I returned to the brothers and sisters whom I have missed so much, I became even more vulnerable. Because they hold such special places in my heart, the sight of them made parts of me want to hold on to them and not let them go, some pieces of my security tried to be attached to their beings, and as a result I became weak. Parts of me wanted to grab their attention, parts of me wanted so much to have their center of attention to be on me, and that sense of selfishness tried to engulf me. I was weak. But praise God and thank God that He used me to share with them messages to help in their spiritual growth. More importantly, praise and thank God that He allows me to see that I am so weak in these areas.
With this experience, God helped me think back to one of the messages my pastor gave one or two weeks ago. He said one of the reasons we bury ourselves, our lives, our talents, instead of using what God has entrusted us to serve and love the people He has sent into our lives is because of the fear of failure. He said the solution is to step out of your comfort zone constantly until you're comfortable with failure. Make yourselves humble and allow yourselves to be weak and God will allow you to be blessings to others in the new discomfort zones that you've ventured into. Prideful people, they always try to stay in their comfort zones to stay strong and stay on top of other people, and as a result, their spiritual growth stops after a certain point. As for humble people, as they humble themselves in new fields, God can use them in new ways that are beyond imaginations.
Right now, I see that I am extremely weak in still many areas of my life. Parts of me want to run away and stay in the comfort zones in which God has molded me to a stage that I can radiate strong maturity, but now I see that God wants me to humble myself and enter lands of weaknesses, on which I truly have to be completely dependent on Him so that His power may be made perfect in my weakness. Brothers and sisters, please pray for me, and also for yourselves, that we may all not stay in our comfort zones, but to venture into areas in which we are weak, so the Lord may continue to mold us in new ways and let His goodness, mercy, and love shine more powerfully, allowing Him, who is love, to be glorified in more beautiful ways! I am returning to my parents in three weeks, and my precious brothers and sisters from high school a bit later. When I do, I pray that God will ready me and mold me to a stage on which His strength will shine, on which I can focus on serving them rather than shrink into myself. I pray that God will continue to bless my family by allowing me to serve my parents with all my heart and by allowing my parents to grow strong in Him. I pray that God will continue to bless my precious brothers and sisters from high school as He uses me to bring them closer to Him and as I can continue to humble myself to learn from them.
I am not my own, I belong to the fellowship that is made possible in the light of Christ Jesus our Lord, and so will I allow myself to be sanctified further and further through Christ for the sake of them, because I love them.
The God of peace be with you. Amen.

True Love

2009-11-21T14:29:00.000-08:00

Please...look deep into yourself..look deep into your heart...every corner, and don't hide anything from yourself.

Sins turn us into monsters, selfish beings, beasts. They turn us ugly, they lead us to eternal death, they steal away slowly the things that are good in our lives. They try to take over our minds and make us live miserable lives. They hurt the ones around us, they hurt us. And as a result, we are beaten by sins, bleeding, helpless. Guilt and shame take over. Trapped and dying. Every sin God calls it sin for a reason. Everything, in order to maintain its full substance, fullness, and enjoyment, must be protected by boundaries. As soon as those boundaries are crossed, you and I both know that the beauty intended has been tainted.

But God...He sees us in our dying condition. Driven by love, He abandoned the heavens to come down to us as a man. He suffered through the most extremes of any circumstances so that He may personally know how we feel, every tear, pain, sickness, temptation, in that we may come to Him in confidence. Yet let us not forget that He was without sin, He was perfect and innocent, but chose to take our punishment for us. He humbled Himself and chose to die on the cross and on that cross He took upon Himself every sin of all human history and the pain and guilt that came along with them, so that we can be forgiven of our sins, so that these sins of ours can be washed away, so that we may be clothed in His righteousness, so that we may be free from the consequent weight that sins put upon us, so that we may be united with Him in His loving plan of abundance that He has so graciously made for us. He rose from His death to life, so that everything He has said is fulfilled. Now, by surrendering to Him and having a relationship with Him, we can taste new life! We become new creations in Christ! Everything is done and our responsibility is to respond to it.

Heart and mind transformed. Changed life. Free and full of purpose. Because I am still in this world, I am still a sinner, but because I am no longer of this world as Christ has adopted me into His family, I am a forgiven sinner who can love because I know I am unconditionally loved and because I have personally experienced true love upon me at a relational level with my God.

I am speechless and I am thankful.

"Your Love"

2009-11-15T16:51:00.000-08:00

For the last three weeks I've been sick. Although I am still sick, I am finally able to sing again and those weeks of not being able to use my voice for musical purposes, it really made me treasure it so much more and it gives me a greater determination of really using it for a good purpose, for praising God, glorifying Him, showing His love to others, and sharing the testimony that He has given me. And of course this concept applies to the specific gift that God has granted to each one of us as different parts of the body of Christ, to come together, and glorify and honor Him in so many ways that come together to resonate with each other and create something beautiful and miraculous.
Lately, God's been teaching me gratitude. Really thanking God as I remember the many precious memories of the past and notice all the things that He is doing around me and in me. And with this gratitude, being able to approach the future with hope and confidence.
One of the things I am most grateful for in my life is my salvation and my transformation. And with a constant yearning for God to help me write a second song regarding this thankfulness for Him, God answered my prayers and gave me it yesterday. Once again, I have a recording of the song. The vocals aren't perfect and there is no instrumental since I don't know how to write music, but I hope you enjoy the lyrics and that God will use it to encourage you in some special way.

The melody and lyrics both just came to me after asking God for it. All glory and praise to God forever and ever. Amen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NVsip69M84

Your Love

The life I was living was crushing me
The lust and the lies, the shame and the guilt.
Everywhere I look there is no security
The people change, the seasons change,
and everything seems to fade away...

Then the Light called to me,
He had something to give to me.

Your love it pulls me to You,
Your love it binds me to You,
You're all I want,
You're all I need.

Your love it brings me purpose,
Your love it lets me love,
It sets me free,
it sets me free.

I always wondered what my meaning was,
The empty promises and empty routines.
But as I started to look deeper into my heart.
I see the selfishness reigns.
I realized the love I wanted to give was never there.

But then You came to me and said,
"you shall live through Me."

Your love it pulls me to You,
Your love it binds me to You,
You're all I want,
You're all I need.

Your love it brings me purpose,
Your love it lets me love,
It sets me free,
it sets me free.

You're everlasting
You give me new life
You take away the weight
that tried to steal me away

You're in control,
I give my life to You,
Joy and peace You bring
A blessing to others You make me

Thank You Jesus, Thank You Jesus
Thank You Jesus, for giving me life

Your love it pulls me to You,
Your love it binds me to You,
You're all I want,
You're all I need.

Your love it brings me purpose,
Your love it lets me love,
It sets me free,
it sets me free.
It sets me free.

The God of peace be with you!
God bless!

In Christ,
Wesley

The Umbrella and the Rain

2009-11-06T14:38:00.000-08:00

Today, it rained. Most people didn't know it would rain since they were in their morning classes.
And throughout this rain today, God gave me analogies.

I had my umbrella and it protected me from the rain, just as the Holy Spirit gives me peace in the heart during the storms of life. I walked out, there were others, either with or without umbrellas. A man was in front of me, without an umbrella, and he was walking the same direction as me. I drew myself near to him and asked if he wanted me to walk with him. He said yes. And for around three minutes, I was able to converse with him and temporarily keep him safe from the raindrops. And when we had to go separate ways, we parted, and all I could hope for was that he would be safe from sickness and perhaps reflect upon the moment we had together. Likewise, as God gives me His peace and shows me His unconditional love, He allows me to see and take action to love others. I share in others' burdens and show them His love. However, perhaps they have to go separate ways from me, and all I can do is pray for them and hope that God will use the seed He planted through me to one day bring them to Him, that they may also experience His love and peace, that they may be free from sin's sickness. After an one hour class, I escorted a sister who was on crutches home. She was injured and in need, and I had to be by her side. "Encourage one another daily," He tells us. Fellowship He desires us to have. Spur each other on towards Him until we reach home. We are made for community, worship, and praising Him together. After escorting her, I walked back into campus. Once again, I tried to look for people who needed help, but they were too far off, in different directions. No matter how fast I tried to speed walk among the rain, some of them I cannot reach. And some of them I questioned if they wanted my help because they seemed to have a hat or a hood on.
Some I cannot reach out to no matter how hard I try. Some I let fear, discomfort, and doubts overcome me and I missed the opportunity. But despite these failures, the Father says He loves me the same, that His grace is sufficient enough for me. The umbrella continues to protect me from the raindrops. And I walked on and continued to depend on my umbrella...up the hill, up the stairs, through the gate, some more stairs, some more stairs, and finally, I was also home. Trials, tribulations, moving on through the stages of life as I depend on Him, so that I may mature, so that I may grow stronger, so that I may become a greater source of blessing to others through Him who strengthens me...and then finally, I'll be home.

Love your neighbor as yourself (part 2)

2009-10-30T16:02:00.000-07:00

"Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the kingdom of God."" (Luke 9:23-27)

Those who try to entertain themselves, gain for themselves, fulfill their own desires every moment they live...they find no meaning in what they do, they are bored, they see meaninglessness and try to look for meaning, only to find nothing.
Those who lose their lives, those who give up their own agenda and schedule and follow the Lord's, those who go out of the way to help others, pity others, and take action to love others, those who are brave enough to share the gospel even if it means ridicule, those who are willing to spend time to invest in others rather than themselves, they find meaning as they, through the Lord, nourish other eternal beings, they have gained what is called life.

Love your neighbor as yourself (part 1)

2009-10-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

Lately, one of my heaviest prayers towards my Savior is, "Please teach me how to love others more and more, Lord, in that Your love may be seen in me, that they may come to You." Love is so rich. I've been learning a lot. I am in college now, and that means I no longer live with my family, the people who can tolerate me easily when I mess up or show my bad side, and to be honest, the people whom I could sometimes neglect because I overuse my privilege of being so relationally close to them. And now that I am living with someone whom I did not live with for the past 18 years of my life, it really reveals more of myself, and more of my roommate. And with more and more elements of our lives being more exposed, there is much more chance of either being annoyed, losing patience, and entering into an argument, OR depending on God, learning to be more patient, and growing into deeper love with His creations. God is really answering my prayers lately as He tells me to do several different things that would help me love more through Christ.

The first is loving within the world of competition. Although it is not 100 percent certain that I will enter the field of business yet, I believe God is telling me to major in business. Business is one of the most competitive fields out there. People can do drastic things to get themselves into higher positions and get more money. There are dramas and movies about these stories of men and women betraying their conscience to elevate themselves on the economic ladder. And this temptation of falling into competition and hurting those around us is not uncommon to men. This temptation touches many as people are almost born into a race of competition in different parts of the world today. But now that Christ has freed me from that race of competition and has called me to love Him and people, He tells me to do things contradictory to what people would usually do. Because I originally planned on taking the pre-medical path, I am taking a chemistry class right now, and so does my roommate. When that temptation of doing better than others comes, that temptation will try to say, "make him do worse than you, make him study less than you" in my heart. But the Spirit is good, and He says, "make sure he studies well and concentrates on his studies, even if it means he will do better than you and study much more than you do." I personally would say that is pretty hard, but I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me. Because God has called me to build deeper relationships with several people, I was going out more often the week before midterm and sometimes my homework time and study time would be postponed a little. Meanwhile, my roommate may be distracted and playing video games on the computer, even though he still has a lot to work on. And every time before I leave the room, God would tell me to tell him to concentrate on his studies and not be distracted, even if it may be uncomfortable to me at first because he would be much ahead of me. I think this is one awesome way that God is teaching me to love more and preparing me for the future competitive environment. I run a different race now, a race towards Christ in which I live in love, in which I pick others up rather than kick them down.

The second is using my resources as a training ground to love more. Earlier, during the summer, I wrote a post about why we study, how when we study, we seek to use the knowledge we have learned to someday perhaps lead a conversation towards the Gospel. Lately, because of my constant tiredness, and because one of my professors can be not very exciting, I've been annoyed during the math lecture and really wanted to just either sleep or not listen and think about other things. However, God has given me new wisdom to face this new dilemma. Now that I have allowed Christ to take over every aspect, element, and category of my life, not only is my attitude towards trials and towards a person that may annoy me greatly important, but so is my attitude towards my studies and work. Are not trials and people that may hurt me and annoy me greatly much harder to deal with than studies and work? So if my attitude towards work is wrong and not Christ-centered, then is it not harder to have the right attitude and be Christ centered when extremely tough trials come to try to break us and test our faith? Or when someone annoys me to such a level that every vein of my body wants to pop? With this new gained wisdom, God tells me to use the seemingly boring lectures as training grounds on which I learn to develop patience and self-discipline, on which I learn to depend on Christ. My attitude in everything that I do as a new creation in Christ is vital and essential. And through this training ground, Christ can continue to mold me and make me a stronger lover of God and people as I develop greater patience and humility.

The third is that lately, God has given me a great concern and passion towards health. Our bodies are so precious to God, and He definitely wants us to keep ourselves in good health. Food and sleep. College students can get very unhealthy food from their dining commons, and definitely very little sleep as they are tempted to hang out until 2am or even later. And I think that keeping our peers healthy by telling them to sleep early or eat healthier food is definitely one way of loving them. Making sure they are living healthy lives and preventing them from getting sick, and really showing that you truly care about them, I think they see that, that love. Sometimes, as Christians, people can be hostile towards us because their believes are challenged, but when you show that you really do care about them and that there is a God out there Who allows you to fully and unconditionally love them, I don't think they can really fight back.

When it comes to living with someone, allowing others to see that Christ is in us by developing patience, service, humility, and openness, is so very important. Even if you are living with a brother or sister in Christ, it allows spiritual growth to happen as good and Christ-centered examples are set. And if you have a spouse or if God sends you a spouse one day, these elements are very essential too. Loving people is such a beautiful thing, and because of God's grace and mercy, we are allowed to do so by tapping into His power. Through Him, we can go beyond human capabilities. Just as Christ sacrificed Himself for us and humbled Himself before us, so through Him, we are allowed to sacrifice ourselves for others and show fully unconditional love and acceptance towards others with total grace. Oh how beautiful is our King!

Lord, humble I come...

2009-10-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

While God has given me this blog and everything in it to be used for reminders of my personal growth and the mentoring/encouragement for other brothers and sisters, God has recently called me to make another blog that is specifically for the purpose of my own personal prayers and notes of the circumstances and lessons in my life, in that those whom He wills to read may look into a brother's heart and see the Holy Spirit at work as He recreates me in the process of becoming more Christ-like.

http://humbleicome.blogspot.com/

The first post starts with my prayer to God through reading Romans 1. Throughout time, I will slowly post the prayers and notes that the Spirit has allowed me to type out the past few weeks, in that His glory and work may be known.

Humble I come to Him, in that I may continue to be teachable, in that I may continue to learn more and more from the Father who loves us so.

All glory to God. Amen.

P.S.
This "New Creation in Christ" blog will be ongoing while the "Lord...humble I come" blog goes.

Far From a Religion

2009-10-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

Brothers, sisters,
As a brother in Christ, I warn you to never turn Christianity into a religion in your life. On the surface, it may be a religion because it contains a strong belief in a higher power that sees over this world. However, at its core, Christianity is far from religion, it is a love relationship that revolves around trust and surrender.

There are two ways that you can turn Christianity into a religion in your life:

The first way is setting it as a category in your life. What does that mean? Most people subconsciously set categories in their lives. There's school, work, family, friends, hobbies, rest, etc, etc. Many out there today set religion as a category in their lives that is apart from all the other categories. That is what the world encourages. "Don't bring religion into the picture", they say. Everyone tries to avoid the topic of religion. "If you're Hindu, fine, keep it to yourself. If you're Jewish, keep it to yourself. If you're Christian, keep it to yourself." But this definitely and absolutely cannot be true for born-again Christians. Do not listen to the world. Yes, as a believer, you are saved through the grace of Jesus Christ. Yes, as a believer, you are free to do anything you please because God has given you a new heart. However, as you allow the Spirit to fill you, you now have the liberty to lead a good life, the abundant life that Jesus promised. Eternal life is guaranteed for true Christians who have placed their trust in Christ. However, abundant life is a choice to be made. And the only way to live this good life is surrendering every area of your life to God. Let Him be your everything. Everything you do should be for Christ. God offered Himself to be known intimately through the Bible, so that you may draw closer to Him as a child of God and see all the blessings that He has to offer. So many Christians out there today still conform to the world, complain about life, and sometimes even verbally attack the One who has saved their lives. How tragic! Everyday they are still crushed by the world's weights and wonder why. They act and behave as the world does and no one can even tell they are Christians unless they are forced to say so. But when they see that Christianity is to consume every single category of their lives, that everything holds no meaning unless Jesus Christ is the center, then will they see the meaningful and beautiful life that God has planned for them. Joy and peace He brings. Love He allows us to have for others. Kindness, goodness, faithfulness. Patience and self-control. Gentleness and goodness. The Fruit of the Spirit grows in your heart as you allow the Spirit to take over your life and allow Jesus to be Lord over everything. Fear is removed. Guilt is cleansed. Experience God for yourself and make Him your ultimate authority over your whole life. No longer listen to the world for the world will only add selfishness into your life.

The second way that you can turn Christianity into a religion in your life is when you try to do good and reach perfection on your own. First of all, what differs Christianity from all other religions is that we are saved and guaranteed to go to heaven not because of our works, but because of God's mercy, grace, and love. We are saved by placing our life in Jesus and declaring Him as Lord over our lives. It is a love relationship in which we spend time with Him, enjoying His presence and learning from His grace. But so often times, we can be so focused on doing good works for Him that it starts to sap our strength. If doing good works for Him becomes our primary focus, it becomes endless. There is always some rule to obey. As you try to reach perfection, you never know when you are finished. You grow tired and weary. You become scared of failure. Satan starts to deceive you by saying that if you fail, God will somehow be angry with you. Then huge amounts of stress and fear start to consume you. But this is not what Christ wants for us. His finished work is His gift to us. He already fulfilled the law. "Gone is the fear that having done everything, you might not have done enough. You climb the stairs, not by your strength, but his. God pledges to help those who stop trying to help themselves." (Max Lucado, Grace for the Moment Volume II) When we give our lives to Him, He gives us a heart to please Him. He also gives us a heart of surrender. When we can truly do things out of love, it is not us who do it, but through the Spirit and the strength of Christ. It is He who works through us. Don't try to strive for perfection on your own, because on your own it is impossible. Trust in God and surrender yourself to Him so that He may work through you. And most importantly, don't let good works distract you to a level on which you no longer reflect on Jesus' words and enjoy time with Him. Don't let the busyness of life distract you from sweet sweet fellowship with Jesus. Jesus should be your primary and only focus. Don't miss out on moments of intimacy. It is your faith and love for Him that pleases God. And in turn, He blesses us through the things He tells us to do. Prayer. Fellowship. Worship. Diving into His Word. And when we see how much He has blessed us, we also can and want to bless others. When He has unconditionally loved us so much, we can and want to love those around us by focusing on Him and tapping into His power. Freely we have received, freely we will give.

Don't turn Christianity into a religion in your life, but in everything, do it out of the love of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is when we truly understand how deep His love is for us that we can then truly show love to others. It is also when we concentrate on loving God will we naturally keep His commandments.

Out of love,
In Christ,
Wesley

Abundant Life Series: Depths of Joy

2009-10-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

Joy...was what God used to change my life. He taught me that happiness and joy are two completely different things. Happiness is based on circumstances. It is like a thermometer, it is controlled by the weather, the circumstances. But joy is so much more, it is a choice that stems from a relationship with God. It is like a thermostat, with which the temperature is not controlled by the weather or circumstances. Joy comes from trusting in God, having the confidence that God is good always, that whatever circumstances we are going through, God will bring everything together for the good, for a beautiful fruition. And with this joy also comes from humility and the freedom from religion. We rejoice in placing others' interests above us and being free from a set of heart-and-mind-separated regulations. God gives us a joyful heart that pours out love into others. God gives us joy that overflows. Oh how amazing! When the me back then was going through depression and thought I could never be happy again, this joy that God offers to me and plans for me completely turned me around.

Life is good knowing the truth about joy. This joy broke through the mask I put on and allowed me to give my full self to others. For a whole year, this joy that came from God gave me strength to face so many things and it was an amazing blessing. However, as I entered into a new chapter in my life, God began to place tougher and tougher trials into my life. With these harsh circumstances facing me and surrounding me, I began to feel a little less confident in God. My trust level in God started to go down. It only allowed me to barely hold on. As a result, my joy level also started to go down. How could this be? Joy is a choice, but as I choose to be joyful, its level has been lower, lower than the joy God allowed me to experience for the whole past year. I asked God to restore my joy. I asked God to allow me to be joyful and to be able to give my full self to others again.

Yesterday, I read a post on a sister's blog. Though she is a strong Christian and wants to serve the Lord with all her heart, for over a month, God has not put in any challenges or trials into her life. She has always been asking God to put in some test in her life and I have always been kinda questioning why God has not been testing her at all lately. But yesterday, God finally gave her a new mission, a new test that challenges her heart and make her more dependent on God. When I read that, there was this inexpressible feeling inside me! I didn't know how to describe it or why I felt it, or how it came about. It made me want to laugh, it felt amazing and good. That night, I went to the large group Bible study for my fellowship, and through the pastor, God has taught me something I did not expect at all. He talked about joy. My concentration on the pastor went from high to higher. Could it be that God is restoring my joy by giving me a deeper and richer definition of what joy is, its true beautiful depths? Yes He is.

Do you know that exciting and amazing feeling you get when you are face to face to the magnificent nature? That beautiful dusk or dawn? The calming heart of the river? The radiant greens of the hills? And then you share it? Or do you know that glorious feeling in your heart when you listen to the complications and beauty of a piece of music? Of the symphony? Of that band in the concert? And then you share it? Or you may remember that awesome feeling that makes you want to jump when you see your college's football team dominate over the other team and everyone around you share that exciting moment with you? All those unforgettable moments that we may call good times? They are small tastes of joy. They are simply amazing, but they are temporary. But what do all these moments have in common? They are all moments in which you forget yourself and exalt something worthy together with people around you. That means there are two main elements to joy: worship and community. But to praise and worship things such as nature, music, a football game, or even people are simply not enough. When we praise and worship, we want to be able to use all the deepest and most beautiful of vocabulary: majesty, forever, honor, splendor, loving, admirable, noble, pure, beautiful, almighty, immovable, great, everlasting, never-ending, friend. There is only One worthy of such worship and praise, and that is God. And it is what brings Christians together as one. Worship and community. Constantly, the people of this world are always looking for that meaning of life. And until they do, they are restless. But the small tastes of the amazing feeling that they feel, that small taste of what joy is, it once again points back to the Bible. It tells us of our reason of existence: rejoice in God and glorify Him forever. That gives us everlasting joy as we all come together to Him and praise Him with all our heart, mind, strength, and soul. He is the only One who is worthy and capable of us giving our all. Worship and community. When you look at the psalmists, they constantly praise God, and then they tell you to praise God. It is truly amazing to know the deeper secrets of joy, the meaning of life.

Joy is a choice.
J-Jesus first.
O-Others second.
Y-Yourself third.
Joy is a choice. It is when you place your primary focus on God, then to others, then finally yourself. The act of forgetting yourself and seeing how God's goodness is being displayed in our lives and in others' lives, how He is putting everything together for the good in such beautiful manners. Not focusing on your circumstances, but seeing how God will fit everything that He places in our lives to bring about further overflow of love and grace. Seeing how God teaches others, transforms others, and make them stronger lovers of Christ, and in that process you yourself also see the change within you. Looking at how He is working, and rejoicing in Him, and glorifying in Him. And through this, greater trust and confidence in Him is brought about, carrying us, guarding us, and giving us joy through the dark extremes of life. And then we come together to see that other brothers and sisters are sharing in what we are experiencing. What everlasting and amazing joy!

And this joy...this full abundant joy that we are allowed to experience on earth, is a small taste of heaven, in which worship and community will be on a much larger scale, beyond imaginations.

Revelation 7:9-12
⁹After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. ¹⁰And they cried out in a loud voice:
"Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne,
and to the Lamb." ¹¹All the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures. They fell down on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, ¹²saying:
"Amen!
Praise and glory
and wisdom and thanks and honor
and power and strength
be to our God for ever and ever.
Amen!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmmvmlnqKjU&feature=channel_page

The Act of Surrendering

2009-09-30T20:35:00.001-07:00

(Note: This post will be different from all other posts. This will be a conversation.)

Oh, I've been holding on too much, so much. It's time to surrender.
So many blessings, so many wonderful people, but now this has become a wealth that hinders me, and divides my commitments and concerns.

"Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess." (Hebrews 3:1)

"Jesus has been found worthy of greater honor than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself. For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything." (Hebrews 3:3-4)

All the dear people who have made influence one me, oh God, should lead me straight back to You!! You receive the glory oh God. Receive my heart, all of it.

"As has just been said:
'Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts
as you did in the rebellion.'" (Hebrews 3:15)

"Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it." (Hebrews 4:1)

Oh no longer let the burdens in my heart sit on me, oh Lord. Let your rest consume, oh God. Let me abide in Your love!

"Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before:
'Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts.'" (Hebrews 4:7)

"Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience." (Hebrews 4:11)

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid before the eyes of him to whom we must give account." (Hebrews 4:12)

Oh, the Holy Spirit pierces me Lord, God I can feel Your Word piercing through me. Teach me and rebuke me. Correct me and train me in righteousness, so that I may be thoroughly equipped for what You have willed for me to do.
Take away my spirit of timidity, but restore my courage and compassion. Give me a spirit of boldness! One that no longer hides but draws people to You, oh God!!

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:14-16)

Oh God, Your great love for me!! Your goodness, I can now recall!! Help me look to You my God, You who can sympathize in my weakness, You who know how I feel, You who know all my ways, help me come to You with confidence!! It amazes me oh Lord, Your grace and mercy. Be with me, be in me, at my times of need, at all times!!
You shall be my primary concern!!! Perhaps even my only concern!!!! Yes Lord.

Matthew 19

1 Corinthians 7:1-9, 25-40

Lord, let all my concerns and commitment be on You!! Only You God!! Only You!!! What a burden to think about marriage!! I am surrendering all my concerns to You. My wealth of relationships, I want to give it all to You, so that my primary concern is in You, to please You!

"In distinction from the rich young man who has turned away, any who examine themselves and give up their own little gods to follow Jesus in discipleship, whether that little god is family or possessions or territory, will receive the reward of the full realization of their inheritance of eternal life." -Michael Wilkins, The NIV Application Commentary

The beautiful life God wants me to have, I ruin with my selfish desires.

"Childlikeness is not only a prerequisite for entrance to the kingdom but is also a necessary lifetime characteristic for Jesus' disciples. As weak, defenseless, vulnerable children, they must continue to maintain dependence on their heavenly Father for the purpose, power, and significance of their life of discipleship" -Michael Wilkins, The NIV Application Commentary

May God strip me of my pride and make me wholly dependent on Him.

"...wealth is a heady intoxicant, because it provides most of the counterfeits that fool a person into thinking he or she does not need God" -Michael Wilkins, The NIV Application Commentary

The people in my life that I try to hold onto may be that wealth. I have to let it all go and surrender. Help me God, give me strength, through Christ who strengthens me, through the Holy Spirit who makes me strong, through the Father's great love!!

"But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." (Matthew 19:30)

"But in the life to come, the last will be first--if they got in last place by choosing to follow Jesus. Don't forfeit eternal rewards for temporary benefits. Be willing to make sacrifices now for greater rewards later. Be willing to accept human disapproval, while knowing that you have God's approval." (Life Application Study Bible)

Thank you Lord for this time of You teaching me.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Surrender -Marc James
"I'm giving You my heart
All that is within
I lay it all down
For the sake of You my King
I'm giving You my dreams laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life

And I surrender
All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song
I'm waiting at the Cross
All the world holds dear
I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You
For the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy
Even sharing in Your pain

And I surrender
All to You, all to You"

The Art of Letting Go

2009-09-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes...as we draw closer to God and as He gives us too many blessings, we start to hold on to His gifts too much. Pieces of our security in Him start to scatter apart and are placed into those things or people instead. Then suddenly, we find ourselves hurting bit by bit.

That was God's way of teaching me to let go, on a deeper level. Many times on this blog I have talked about surrendering every area of my life to Him and letting Him work through me. However, there are still so many things that I try to hold on at times. But how dangerous this is. When I try to keep some things in control, I start to put some of my reliance on them instead of on God. When these things start to change, distract me, and confuse me, oh how great the agony. That is also why the Lord also chooses to take away, so that the scattered pieces of our security may be regathered back to Him. His love is the only one that never changes.

But what does it truly mean? To let go.

The number one thing to let go...is the shame, fear, worries, stress, guilt, pride, and other weights of life. If you allow these things to remain in your heart, they slowly eat you away. You're constantly troubled. You feel ashamed to face others. Your focus start to shift more and more towards yourself. It starts to steal away your joy and peace. Selfishness start to develop into deeper levels. As this progresses, it becomes extremely hard to love others through the power of Christ. What's the solution? Relying on Him and letting go. Jesus died on the cross so that you don't have to look back. Jesus bore all the weights of life of every single human in all history and future, so that those who choose to give it all up to Him can live freely away from life's burdens. Trust Him and let go, so that you may love without holding back. Leave everything at the cross.

The second part of letting go...is to let go of all that is dear and precious to us. There are many things that are precious to us...money, reputation, talents... As a new creation in Christ, I personally believe those things are easy to let go. Money...we know that God will always provide if we trust in Him. Reputation...does what men and women think of us really matter when God is the only one who can see everything in our hearts? Let God consume you from the inside out with His love and men/women will see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Talents...mean nothing if they are not used for God. If God wishes to dispose of it, then let it be. God will provide a way for you to serve Him if you give yourself to Him.
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21)
However, I believe that what is the hardest to let go...is our loved ones. The people...that really allow me to connect to... The people that I can pour bits of my heart to... God gave me them...my brothers and sisters in Christ. I love them so much. Ever since I came to Berkeley, I've missed them a lot. They are gifts to me from God. As God leads me to a different place and them too to other places, I've noticed that I have poured out so much of myself into them that pieces of my security have also been scattered among them. I want to talk to them. I want to fellowship with them. My thoughts are at many times on them. Small feelings of loneliness would come. I've come to realized that my reliance is no longer completely on God. This is when God says, "you have to let go." God has sent me to a new place so that He may use me as light and salt on my new mission field, so that I may be a mentor to the brothers and sisters here. If I continue to attach myself so much to the precious people that are so far away in my life, I would slowly slip into selfishness again, concerned about my own emotional needs. I would be an ineffective worker of the Kingdom of Heaven. Not only that, I also tear away the time they can use to spread the Father's light among their new mission fields. I also realize if my pieces of securities remain in them, then I would be more and more drawn and dependent on them. Because people cannot ever truly fulfill what the human heart needs and desires, I end up getting hurt. That is why, now I see, that Jesus wants me, or all of us, to let go.

"Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters—yes, even one's own self!—can't be my disciple. Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple." (Luke 14:26-27, The Message)

In the New International Version of the Bible, the same verse is written, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." God knows how much we love these people in our lives...and He loves them at a much more tremendous level and of course He wants us to love them. But here, He says that when compared to following Him and loving Him, our love for our dear ones is to be seen as hate. What vast difference is that! It is hard, but it is the only way to have full abundant life in Him. The Message translation says we are to "let go". That means we love them, but we hold no attachment to them. All of our security should be in Christ and Christ alone. This act of letting go is, I believe, an extremely difficult process and it can only be done through the power of the Spirit. Not many may be called to do so yet, but at one point, this calling comes. Our God gives and takes away. So that we may learn...so that we may grow...so that our joy may be restored...so that we may have abundant life...and so that we may love Him more and more, and through Him our neighbors.
The Lord will plan a beautiful reunion in heaven if not on earth, but until then, may my focus be completely on Him.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)

The heart is like a green pasture. He is the Shepherd. He knows what will have positive impacts on you and what will have negative. He desires to rid you of the negative elements, but you have to make the choice to let go. Some may seem to be good and precious, but they must be rid of to allow greater things to come, the Lord gives and takes away. Do not place securities in things He gives but in Him and Him alone. Faith is tested...and greater blessings are to come.

Let It Go by Tenth Avenue North

His Reply

2009-09-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

Right now, I am going through two trials. One of them does not make any sense to me at all and makes my heart feel extremely troubled. The other makes my heart weep deeply as a friend of mine is slowly fading away.

For the first time after I became a new creation in Christ, I was mad at Him. I yelled out all my feelings to Him. I cried. When I finished crying, this is what He told me.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." (John 14:1)

Later, He also reminded such things:

"Have you not been too focused on your trials that you leave Me out of them?"
He is my everything and everything I have is a gift from Him. He tells me not to stare at my circumstances and be troubled, for that would slowly slip me into selfishness. He reminds me that my story is a part of His story. Again He tells me not to stare at my circumstances but to Him, for I am to love Him and all those He sends to me despite the storms, for He allows me to do that. He then gave me a heart of thankfulness, and I thanked Him. I asked Him to restore my joy, my wonder for Him. I asked Him that He would use me as a blessing to others.

Brothers and sisters, I know many of you out there may be going through some trials that don't make much sense for now, but I believe that God will reveal to us soon what it will all mean. For His plans are to prosper us, not to harm us. For now, continue to surrender every area of your life to Him and pray for each other. Our God is good and loving, always. He is the gentle Counselor. All glory and power to Him. Amen.

Distance...

2009-09-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

Before I became a new creation in Christ, one of the dilemmas that haunted me...that caused me my three year depression was the drifting away of the people in my life. When I finally placed my whole life in Him, He taught me that people and the things of this world change, He is the only One who never changes. He is the only One I can place all my securities in. He is the One whom I should wholly trust in. He said to me, "In high school, there will be many relationships/friendships that may seem to have faded away. However, do not be discouraged. From each of these relationships, you have learned something from that friend. From each of these relationships, you have grown a little. From each of these relationships, you have made memories that will give you strength as you endure the hardships of life. And as long as you still have a memory of him or her, they will always be a part of you." He taught me to trust in His perfect will.

After I became a new creation, God has placed in my life so many wonderful brothers and sisters and He has allowed me to establish bonds with them at such deep levels that I have never had before. His blessings and gifts are so beautiful...and I am so thankful. When I had to be separated from them and move on to Berkeley, I was ready, knowing that my securities are in God, knowing that I will see them again, if not on earth, then in heaven. But as time passes, and as some of them start moving to farther away places, the distance starts to invade into my heart. I start to miss them more and more... But it is also this time that God has reminded me something. He allows me to recall back to the second installment of Narnia. In the end of the movie, Aslan tells the two older siblings that they will never return to Narnia again because what they were to learn...they have learned. Now they were to carry what they have learned into the next chapter of their lives, into their future. Likewise, God allows the close, intimate, and valuable people in our lives to suddenly grow in distance because each of them was planned to have a season in our lives. These brothers and sisters of mine, unlike the other friends, do not drift away, for we are heavily connected through Christ. That is why it plays a different effect on me this time compared to the past. However, remembering the Narnia analogy that God gave me, I know that I and anyone out there who is going through a similar experience as me are to continue to carry what we have experienced and learn into the future. His plans are to prosper us and not to harm us. Let the memories God has engraved in our hearts turn us into a brighter light, and into a saltier salt. An effective worker of the Kingdom to shine His love unto others. Because we have tasted the beauty that God can give, we yearn for the new people God has sent into our lives to also experience His beauty.

The effect of this distance may make us grieve, but it may also be turned into a light that overflows from us into another soul.

Joy and peace to you, brothers and sisters. All glory to the Lord. Amen.

The Name of Christian

2009-09-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

When you call yourself a Christian from the bottom of your whole heart...that means you are saved. You know what He has done on the cross and you accept this free gift of salvation. That also means that you realize how true and real His love is. The love you tried to look for all this time...the full and unconditional love that is able to enter you, heal you, and set you free...you have finally found its source and accepted it. You are loved...no matter what. And when you call yourself a Christian, you love Him back, receiving all that He has to offer.
But when you call yourself a Christian, you are also calling yourself a follower of Christ. Going further, you are a representative of Christ. Everything you say...every way you act or behave, you can either represent Christ in a good way or a bad way. I don't know where you are in the spectrum. But I do know that if you truly bear the name of Christian, you want the people around you to also come to Him. This gift of both abundant life and eternal life, this gift of love...how sad it is that there are others out there who are refusing to accept what is best in life. How sad is it that there are people who fall into temptations and sins, thinking that they will be fine, that they will surely not die, but is slowly being consumed by grieve. People slowly fading away... A small step after another. A simple reunion with an ex-girlfriend in high school even after getting married leading into an adulteress relationship... A simple decision of focusing more on studies rather than God, which slowly lead to more greed, which later lead to marriage for the wrong reasons, which later lead to divorce and isolation. It's so tragic. These small steps can be being taken by your closest non-saved friends right now... They are being pulled away by Satan's lies... Their lives are slowly crumbling without them knowing yet. Their misery slowly consumes them bit by bit. The people in their lives start to grow more and more distant. The consequences of their actions soon crush upon them... While all this is happening, their shame and fear make them wear a mask... They hide their problems... Their hearts are dying as they seem to appear strong on the outside... Not to mention their destination after death... This is a slow process...and it takes us...as Christians...as representatives of Christ...as His body...to show them the way...the truth...the life... Jesus tells us to be light and salt. Sometimes we forget that...sometimes we act in a way that is no different from how non-Christians would behave. Then how do people distinguish us? How do people see that we are saved, that we are transformed, that we are new creations in Christ? Pick up your cross, brothers and sisters! There are so many people out there suffering from spiritual darkness and I weep as I see their lives fall apart. There are some people that God has put into your lives that only you can reach out to... Abandon the things of this world. Christ gave us everything that we need to gain. Nothing else matters. We can no longer gain anymore that what we already have. Through the power of the Spirit, keep your words and your ways pure. Let people see that Christ lives in you. We know we are loved now. So love them like they have never seen before. Love them without any hesitation. Love them as your Father loves you.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. " (1 John 3:16)

Slow Fade by Casting Crown Music Video

The Mask

2009-09-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

The mask...I believe that everyone, at some point in their life, has experienced putting on a mask...whether it be one of a constant smile, one of "coolness"... If you have read my story, you might remember that at one point in my life, I also wore a mask, a very thick one... It was almost inevitable. For me...I put on one of a fake smile. I didn't want others to worry. I didn't want to burden others. I only wanted to provide some sort of fake smile that will hopefully put on a real smile on another's face. There are other reasons too in putting on a mask. Maybe you want to fit into the different crowds, you act like you enjoy a certain things that the people around you are doing, just to fit in, but really you don't enjoy it one bit on the inside. We are also afraid to show our inside. The torns and scars of our hearts. We are fragile beings, we are afraid to show them. In that is also the shame and fear that makes us cover ourselves up just as Adam and Eve did after they have sinned. You may think you seem okay when you first tried to put on that mask everywhere you go. But as time passes on, it gets tiring. The way people see you...it's not really you. Your heart becomes broken. Your life becomes broken. And down on a deeper level, you want to be loved. You want the people around you to see your hurt and you want them to be able to heal you. But at the same time because your mask was always there, they can never truly see what is in your heart. They only see the facade. The front. It is too diffucult to straightly ask for love in society today...it's too risky... This desire for love is hidden...and cannot be reached. Even as you start to open a little more, and let others peek more into your heart, there are still parts you're covering. The shame and fear come back in. You are always hiding from others. And again, your soul starts to roar out of agony... You yearn for this ultimate love, this unconditional love, this never ending love that will be able to pick you up whenever, whereever. But the truth is...no human strength or capability can ever provide such love.

¹ O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
-Psalm 139: 1-6

The Lord knows you fully, He sees beyond that mask. He knows all that you have done. He knows everything in your heart, all the beautiful, but also all the horrid. Yet...He loves you. This love is real. He loves you not because you are cute, not because you are tremendously talented in something, not because you have done many things that seem righteous. He loves you simply because you exist. His love is unconditional. "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. "Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:6-8).
The reality is, every human in existence wants to be loved. The Bible points to this reality. No love on earth can ever satisfy a human soul, only God can. For God so loved the world. For God is love. God is the One who sees fully your broken heart and heals it when you accept His love.

I now do the things I do not because I am trying to earn anything. By being loved, I now have joy. By being loved, I want to love. By being loved, the mask is gone. By being loved, I can give my full self to others.

Note: This message was taught by God through the story He wrote for my life and Koinonia Fellowship Group.

Free Within the Race

2009-09-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, in one of the UC Berkeley Christian fellowship groups, called Koinonia, the race was mentioned. The race that most of us were born into. The one that when we asked why in the beginning, our parents may say, for them and for ourselves. Then we run, we compete, we finish one, then another race follows right after, and then another, and then another. Victory no longer means anything. We are so caught in it that we don't even question it anymore, with the fear that we may lose what we have. In this race, the world teaches us to "follow your heart". And so we try that, only to find that it brings about more misery, to see that it can never fulfill us or bring us contentment in the long term. What are we doing? Why are we doing this?

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:10)

Most people want to have a physically healthy and fit body. With a healthy body, they are free to move freely, feel physically empowered, play sports, etc. They are less likely to experience back pains or go through sickness. But how do you get this physical freedom? You do it through physical discipline. The things you do have to cross your own will. For example, if you are to make a plan to work out every morning at at 6:15am, you set yourself to wake up at 6:00am. When that clock rings, you're going to want to stay in that bed. Your heart, soul, strength, mind all say that you want to stay in that bed because it feels so good. But you know that if you truly want physical freedom, you have to discipline yourself, cross your will, and get out of that bed.

Now let's look at spiritual freedom. Majority of the people of our world today do not have spiritual freedom, not even some Christians. They are constantly dragged and burdened down by stress, weight, anxiety, shame, guilt, worries, fear, anger, jealousy, envy, competitions, comparing among each other, hatred, selfish desires... At first you may think you can handle it. But as these things crush on you more and more, you no longer have freedom, you bear them with helplessness. Some begin to hate their lives, hate this world. Others complain and express themselves with curse words. Not to mention that race is still in effect. You're constantly running this race you're put into since you were born, not knowing the reason you're doing it, not knowing your purpose, and all the spiritual burdens mentioned before all just slowly kill you more and more. But in His love letter for us, our Heavenly Father writes, "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:10) Just like a car that is made to be a vehicle, we are made to do good works in Christ Jesus, works of love. Good works...discipline...spiritual freedom. Jesus died on the cross for us to show us the most extreme of the good works, taking away all the spiritual weights of every human in history onto Him, placing everyone's interests and welfare before His own, so that His love may be known. Freedom is not about feeding our always-changing appetites, doing what feels right in our hearts and following our hearts. Freedom comes from knowing what we are made for, our true purpose, and being able to live it out by leading our hearts. What does He mean by doing good works in Christ Jesus as our true purpose in life? "Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'" (Matthew 22:37). The ten commandments...people always see them as laws. But that's not what they were meant for. They are meant to be guidelines on how we can discipline ourselves, how we can gain true freedom, and how we can draw closer to our loving Father. They are one of the most beautiful and powerful gifts that God has given us.

We are saved through His grace and His love, not by works so that no one may boast. We see what love truly is as our Lord demonstrates it on the cross. And once we truly understand this, seeing how His love never changes even after what we have become, even after what we have done, the Holy Spirit guides us and allows us to have the desire to also love others as God does, with all our heart, mind, strength, and soul. When that love becomes the foundation of everything that we do while we are in the race that this world has put us into, we now have a clear reason on our question of why. We are no longer trapped by the race's weight, but we are free of the race within the race. We are in this world, but no longer of this world.

Note: This message was taught by God through Livingwater Church and Koinonia Fellowship Group.

Lean on God's Power...Let It Be Known

2009-08-31T19:16:00.000-07:00

It is now my second week of school in UC Berkeley. To be honest, this is one of the toughest trials that God has put me through thus far. This new mission field that He has placed me in is physically, emotionally, and spiritually tiring. Being a new student here I do not have a Christian fellowship group that I am plugged in to. There was almost a spiritual isolation the first few days. A lot more time was taken away from me. The walking around the campus takes away a lot of energy.

When I was signing up for classes over the summer, I wanted to fill a breadth requirement in the category of Arts and Literature. As I looked through the class list, a class called Gender and Women's Studies caught my eye as the topic of how the two genders are portrayed in society has caught my attention before in a sociology class. As I looked into the course description, it talks about how the course dives into how women and homosexuals are portrayed through literature. I began to lean towards taking this class so that I may understand the human condition of homosexuals better and further show God's love to those who usually have a sense of rebellion against Christianity. Also seeing how no other open classes fit my class schedule other than this one, I decided to sign up for it.

As the first week of school started, it suddenly struck me much deeper than it did before that this class is an upper division class. It is meant to be for juniors and seniors. Knowing that frightened me as freshman classes already seem pretty challenging. Then it also slowly came to me that this class will be extremely secular seeing what the topic is. I also found out that upper division class means the people taking this class are usually the ones who show strong interest in the topic and not just take it as a simple elective class. As I walked my way to that class for the first time, my heart was extremely frightened with all these factors in mind. When the class finally came, it got even worse. When a girl to my left raised her hand to answer a question that the teacher had asked, she answered it in a way that clearly demonstrates a level intelligence and sophistication that is much higher than mine. As we went through the syllabus, the course encompasses such difficult tasks that my mind was in complete disarray. As the class went on, it just stepped down on me more and more, making me more afraid, making me feel so weak, making me extremely small.

As I returned to my parents on the first Friday of school, I told them of my experiences of this class. My parents immediately wanted me to switch out and look for a new class to add. But seeing that it was too late at night, we decided to do it the next morning. Then Saturday came. Like usual, I become a little child in front of God and went to watch the Christian programs on Saturday mornings that are meant to be for kids. However, they actually teach very powerful lessons that even adults can learn from. This particular Saturday morning was special, as three straight Christian programs, one on a different channel from the other two, all told of one story. It was the story of David and Goliath. Constantly throughout three programs, they talked about how David was too young to do anything. They talked about how he's so small. They talked about how Goliath had years and years of combat experiences. They also talked about what a giant he is, probably the biggest giant that ever lived on Earth. But they constantly tell how all David needed was his love for God, his faith in God, and obedience. King Saul tried to get David to wear an armor and to equip himself with a sword. However, David said all he needed was faith on the battlefield. No matter how big that giant is, God is bigger. Because David loves the Lord so much, his heart is bigger.

I was already very surprised when two straight programs both talked of David's confrontation against Goliath, but extremely amazed when the third program suddenly flashed "David and Goliath" on the screen. My dad tried to find another class for me. But my reply was, "God wants me to stay in this class". Along with this decision came a special type of peace that can only come from the Holy Spirit. That class to me...is extremely frightening. However, I know that as long as my heart is on God, He will carry me through. This is going to be an very difficult journey, but also a rewarding one in the end. May I be a testimony once again to the living God.

Brothers, sisters, please pray for me as I venture into my next journey.

"When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." (1 Corinthians 2:1-5)

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

Again and Again

2009-08-22T11:22:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, for the whole day, for some reason, my soul grew really weary. Something seemed to be dragging me down. Some type of worry or some type of stress.
However, because of this one day experience, God allowed me to write my first full Christian song last night. I don't know how to write music, so all I got is the melody and lyrics. I don't even know how I did it, the lyrics and melody just piece by piece came to me. So praise God for that! Haha. I hope you like it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85pJlcvIbHI&feature=channel_page

Again and Again

Time and time again I have failed
Time and time again, my pride slips in
I try and try, and I fall and fall
Only to realize its time to let it go

You call me friend, You call me son, even after what I have done,
You reach to me, Your love for me, it never ever changes,
You are my rock, You are my strength, You are the top of my desires
And now I long, only long to be in Your presence.

Day and day again, I wake with sweat,
Night and night again, I am weary.
My heart, my strength, my soul, my mind,
Its time to realize that I must surrender.

You call me friend, You call me son, even after what I have done,
You reach to me, Your love for me, it never ever changes,
You are my rock, You are my strength, You are the top of my desires
And now I long, only long to be in Your presence.

Nothing now, I proclaim, will ever get in my way.
Let me rise, I surrender, let Your will be done.
I now live, for You alone, fill me with Your Spirit.
For Your joy, is my strength, now let me love
Set me free!

You call me friend, You call me son, even after what I have done,
You reach to me, Your love for me, it never ever changes,
You are my rock, You are my strength, You are the top of my desires
And now I long, only long to be in Your presence.
Your presence
Your presence
Your presence
Gives me rest

Wings of a Sinner

2009-08-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

In an episode of Way of the Master hosted by Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, called Joe Average, it talked about how people refuse to accept God into their lives and how some even go to the extent of denying His existence because they wish to have their "freedom", to make their own choice, rather than following the moral code that God has set up for us.

Their "freedom", I call the wings of a sinner. They believe they have "freedom", but they actually do not. Some want to have the "freedom" to lie. Some want to have the "freedom" to cheat on their loved ones. Some want to have the "freedom" to drink, gamble, and have sex outside of marriage. Some want to have the "freedom" to deal with drugs. Some want to have the "freedom" to absorb themselves into pornography and masturbate. The list is almost endless. They create their own set of laws and commandments in their hearts, but these laws bend around based on their circumstances. They call themselves good even when they are committing actions of injustice. An example would be a thief calling himself good because he has not stolen for three weeks. Black and white have turned to gray. In the end, their "freedom" makes them slaves, slaves to their surroundings. "Slaves is the right term to describe people who lack integrity because they often find themselves at the whim of their own and others' changing desires" (Becoming a Person of Influence - Maxwell and Dornan 32). They bend their principles to fit their actions. And when it comes to a deeper level, they are more likely to be "enslaved by the stress that comes from bad choices, debt, deceptiveness, and other negative character issues" (Becoming a Person of Influence - Maxwell and Dornan 32). They try to fly with those wings, but they become the puppets of this world. They are tied down by this world's selfish desires, sins, weight, stress, problems, and shame. They think they gain "freedom" only to be more blinded by Satan. They fall into traps of competitions, addictions, and regret. The ground below them becomes sinking sand. Their hearts are surrounded by hate, despair, and death. When the storms of life finally hit, they are drowned by the darkness that came from their own choices and decisions. This then becomes for them, a preview of hell.

However, there is one choice they can make that frees them from this torment and agony, and that is trusting their lives in Jesus Christ. Why did God specifically make a list of actions that are called sins? Because He loves you. He knows that there are things that you will do that will harm you and burn you, so out of love, He specifically tells you not to do them. However, none of us are perfect, and all of us have broken His commandments in some way, causing damage to our souls and disobeying our Heavenly Father, hurting His heart dramatically. Even so, He still chooses to love you, and He offers the path of repentance, the path that leads to eternal life with Him. He does not force you to follow Him, but He wants you to follow Him because He wants the best for you. He wants to grant you hope, faith, and love. He wants to grant you abundant and eternal life. He wants you to have genuine freedom. "As Christians, love is the basis of our whole identity. Our spiritual rebirth came about because 'God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life' (John 3:16)" (The Love Dare - Kendrick 106). When you accept Christ into your heart, you enter into a love relationship with Him. In everything you do, you want to please Him. And in surrendering yourself to Him, He helps you establish His love unto others. You place others' needs above your own. When Christ is in you, you are free from the impulses of changing desires. You are free from the hold and control of negative circumstances. You are free from the strings of this world. You are free to positively influence the ones around you and add value to their lives. You are free to unconditionally love.

Abundant Life Series: Why We Study

2009-08-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

While I was suffering from senioritis like many others who were also going through the last bit of their senior year in high school, I started questioning why we study. What's the point of joining this competitive environment and giving my all to get a good grade? What's the point of learning so many things that will later not apply at all in my everyday life? Why am I striving so hard to study for quizzes, tests, and finals? Haha, when I asked my parents these questions, they were furious with me. I sought for answers from my dad and two of my brothers in Christ. From them, I have developed a couple good reasons. However, as I pondered more on this and ventured off into a community college this past summer, God helped me develop a very clear reason. I will start with this reason, and then tell of the other reasons that came earlier.

When we step out of the education world and head off into society, we are going to be meeting and facing a lot of people, all different types and kinds. Each person you meet, through his or her years of education, is going to have one subject that is very special and dear to him or her. It's the one subject that captured his or her heart and covered a wide array of his or her time. When we keep that in mind while we are studying all the various subjects and classes, we know that one day, with a high chance, that you will meet a person that values very much the things you are learning now. If we study with all our heart the material we are learning with that mindset, we know that this material will one day connect us with another individual on a more profound level when we can talk at a deep level of what truly means a lot to him or her. And through that, we are able to show God's love at a more intimate level, and slowly lead from common topics we are discussing to the Gospel. Thus in the bottom line, I myself have resolved to study with all my strength knowing that what I am studying will one day help me love people more and glorify God more. I am studying out of love.

I think that this reason that God gave me is very good and sufficient already. However, to even give more reasons, I will list the ones that the movie Facing the Giants, two of my brothers in Christ, and my dad helped me think of.
-So many others need education, and He has chosen us to face it. This is for a purpose. Education is a blessing in itself.
-The more wisdom we gain, the more influence we have. The more influence we have, the more people we can reach out to.
-We are placed on earth to honor God, giving Him our best in everything and letting Him do the rest so that His glory may be shown to mankind. Let others see you serve a God who gives you strength and allow you to give your all in everything.
-While we are in the education environment, we have all the more opportunity to serve God by serving our teachers, our classmates, and our parents.
-During the road of education, there are going to be many many storms that come in our way, and when the ones around you can see that you still have an attitude/aroma of thankfulness, peace, and joy during negative circumstances, that's when God's love and grace can be shown to others again. A negative aroma would negatively affect the people around you. But a positive aroma can give people around us strength, and only then will people be curious.
-God created knowledge. We see traces of His creativity and awesomeness throughout our studies.
-In everything we learn, we gain better understanding of the human condition. To really understand human condition and dig deep into the ways of men and women, I think can be another way of loving them, to simply listen to their hearts and understand them, and ask God how we can reach out to them.

"in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:6)

Abundant Life Series: God-Confidence

2009-08-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

Even though after my depression state, God has broken down the wall around my heart and allowed me to truly be myself around the people that God has brought me into my life, I was still shy like many people out there when it comes to speaking to strangers, meeting new people, going into a formal interview, going up against beggars or gangsters on the street, etc. But as I walked by Him each day, God slowly helped me overcome this shyness. It started with the song Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath.

Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath:

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights

My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere,
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Yeah x4

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Chorus

I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along

Chorus (x2)

When I heard this song, it really shook me because it allowed me to see how when we look at the people that pass by us each day and all the people around the world, we can see how much more spiritually and physically fortunate we are and how people are bounded by the world's problems each day. And it is only us, as new creations of Christ, who can truly reach out to them and show them that there is Someone out there who loves them, cares about them, and can lift off the weight of their lives. That part about the girl smiling to hide what's underneath had a very strong impact on me because that is what I used to do. When I first heard that song, I listened to it every morning for weeks, reminding me of its message. I kept this song playing in my head constantly as I walked out of the house those couple weeks. Then one day it came to me. When I was in a bathroom in San Francisco, I saw this extremely dirty man. By natural response, as this world teaches, I stayed at a close distance from him to keep myself clean. But then it came to me that this man, no matter how dirty he is, is a creation created by my Heavenly Father. God loves him at such a tremendous level that I cannot even comprehend. What's worse, this man is probably lost and does not know of his Father's love for him. Although I did not have a chance to talk to him, it was a whole new way of thinking. Then Jesus slowly helped me develop the concept of God-confidence, the confidence that stems from God, from love. Everyone that you meet in your life, whether it be a very strict interviewer, the CEO of a high top company, a dirty beggar on the street, a gangster that puts on a tough front, or just a stranger next to you, that person is either a Christian or a non-Christian. God calls us to love all people because He loves them so much more tremendously and He wants us to show His love to them. If that person is a Christian, he or she is your brother or sister from another mother, but have the same Heavenly Father. You are both living by the same belief, saved by the same Savior, drawn to the love of God, and headed to the same eternal home. Is that not amazing? Knowing that should definitely bring down any barriers between you and him or her. You two both have the Holy Spirit in you and you two have all types of opportunities to just both honor Him, glorify Him, and have fellowship in Him. Now if that person is not a Christian, that person is lost and a puppet of this world. He or she is tied down by this world's selfish desires, sins, weight, stress, problems, shame, and he or she is barely holding onto life everyday. He or she does not know the indescribable love that God has for them, the abundant life that He has planned for them, the eternal home that He wants them to enter. They are blinded by Satan. They could head into hell at any moment. Knowing that, should that not break down any kinds of barriers and shyness that might get in the way of you talking to him or her. You're the one that God can use to show His love, to show him or her that there is a hope, and that is Jesus Christ.

The greatest commandment is "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Luke 10:27). When you do that, doing everything out of love for Him and for people, then that love should break down any barriers or shyness that comes in the way between you and him or her.

Our Heavenly Dad

2009-08-17T23:44:00.001-07:00

On this blog, you can see that today, God helped me to dig back into my past and allowed me to write out my story of transformation. I was very overwhelmed by both my past and what God has done in me as I finished writing it. When I read one of my daily devotionals afterwards, the last line was written, "He's not only read your story...he wrote it" (Max Lucado). As I read that after being so overwhelmed with my own story, I just laughed with joy. He was having fun with me. I think we serve and love a pretty cool Dad in heaven.

This...is My Story

2009-08-17T15:47:00.001-07:00

Up until now, there is a part of my life that I have only shared with very few people. This is an in-depth story of how I suffered from a depressed state for three years as this world slowly crushed on me. This is a story of how God's promises rescued me. This is a story of how I became a new creation in Christ.
Those who have known me for over two years probably did see a change in me, but they forget unless they are reminded.
This...is my story, a miracle that Jesus has done.

During eighth and ninth grade, long before I had a daily walk with God, I always searched for a meaning in life. Living in my fourth country now, after having met so many people and also losing so many of them in my life, I did not believe that we were just randomly placed into this world. I did not believe that we had to just follow the patterns of this world without any bigger purpose. I always looked to friends for a meaning, asking them and discussing with them what it is. But of course, they either reject the question or make fun of it. These conversations lead to nowhere. It was one day during my freshman year in high school that it suddenly came to me back then. As I walked through my high school campus and gazed upon this one smile of a classmate, it suddenly made me think back to every relationship I had in my life, with the friends I had in the other countries, with my relatives in Hong Kong, with my parents, and with the few friends I had then, each and everyone of them, their smiles all somehow gave me a some sense of fulfillment. It was then that I decided my meaning of life was to live for others always, to make them happy. Even though back then I always had this sense of darkness surrounding me, I wanted to put others before myself. This "meaning of life" became the foundation of how I lived.

To live for the ones around me always and to make them happy...when this became the core of my life during that time, it meant that I placed my whole self into the relationships I had. I treasured dearly every single one of them. I placed all my securities into the people around me. My need of love...my need for acceptance...and my need of joy, I expected them to come from the closed one around me as I also try to provide them with these things. Memories also became a very heavy factor. As I spent quality times with the ones around me, I treasured those happy memories so deeply that they constantly sat on the top of my heart's desires. I lived as if my life depended on these memories to fuel me, to help me remember all the good times I had with my friends and family. When I hung out with the people around me, I would always bring these memories up to remind us of our closeness. When I hung out with them, I always tried to remake new memories that are similar to the past, I wanted these relationships to stay this close always. However, as time passed, reality began to strike. When I returned to Hong Kong the summer after freshman year, one of my cousins had changed to such a level on which we could barely have a conversation at all. She was one of my closest friends throughout my childhood. A similar phenomenon occurred on my uncle. He was the closest relative I had, but he also began to change to a point in which he and I had very little things to talk about. I became sad because of this. They were not how I remembered them at all, and the memories we had shared in the past seem to have faded away in their hearts. The very things I lived for seem to be crumbling apart. Some thoughts of suicide came, but I thought that suicide was a cowardly act. More darkness surrounded me as I dwelt on these things, but I tried to stay strong back then. I had this theory that everyone goes through the process of dawn throughout their lives, slowly from darkness into light. I tried to hold on to my meaning...and entered sophmore year.

New year and new classes...and before I even thought about it, reality started to crush me further as more and more people changed. Some of my most dear friends began to stop talking to me because they either have no class with me or because they have entered a new group of friends. Some again changed to a point in which I could barely have any conversation with them. As I observed these people in my life, it seemed as if they had abandoned all the memories we had together. On August 24, 2006, on my old xanga blog, I wrote, "Ahhhhhhhh! Memories...if only we can go back, back to having fun again, back to regain what we lost, back to redo what we have done wrong, everything, if only that is true...that everything...everything will go fine again...But instead, this remembrance is bringing pain...instead of joy...I feel like i don't have much chances to talk to my friends lately, it brings so much...emptiness...I really can't stop at one point anymore i guess, but I want to move on with all the things i had." As these friends slipped away from me, I began to question whether or not my life would ever have happiness. On August 30, 2006, I looked back to seventh, eighth, and ninth grade, and I wrote, "Today, I suddenly felt really sad all of a sudden, as if all my happiness just slipped away from me. This year being one of the worst school years in my life was already bad enough, but school isn't the only thing troubling me. There's another big problem going through me lately, and it was people. Over these three years of living in United States, I met a lot of friends. But now, I felt like I can't even feel the bond between us anymore. One of the reasons that this year is a nightmare because I don't have any classes with most of my friends and they seem to be slipping away from me one by one, as if every single one of them gave up our friendship. Today, I said hi to around 9 of them as I passed by them, at least 6 of them ignored me. Just because we don't have the same classes together, they can all ignore the things we've been through together? Just because we can't hang out as often as we did, we can't talk to each other anymore? Everyone seemed to have changed, everyone...everyone just...they are not who they are supposed to be anymore. They made it like we can't go back anymore, and its as if things can't be the same anymore. I am not saying all my friends became like this, but some did. Anyways, I just feel really sad today. I already cried 2 days ago. I want to talk to my friends, have some laughs, have fun together. Every single one of them, I want to experience the past again, and move it to the present, and to the future. So much stress and pressure, I just want everything to go easy once in awhile. Not much people read xanga blogs anymore...these feelings, this pain will not be heard. But to everyone reading this out there, even though if it's a friend you barely know, at least say hi, don't try to ignore them. Help them out, everything will go easier. Just talk and have some fun. It's time...for redemption." But I did not give up back then. I still tried to hold on to my meaning of life and wanted to be the one who can help others around me and lift off their burdens rather than being a burden to others. On October 22, 2006, I wrote, "I feel that I am failing in life, I feel that...I am not who I am at times. I am failing the meaning of life that I made for myself... I seem to lean on others lately rather than allowing ppl lean on me. I am getting weaker... I need to be strong, a strong person where everyone can look up to and get help from. A strong person who will not give up and go on. A strong person who will hide their feelings from others so no one will worry about him/her. A strong person who will fight and pray for the ones he loves. A strong person who will give up their possessions for others. A strong person who will stand up to those possessed by darkness and bring them to light. I need to be strong person..." But as I continued to rely on myself to be a helper and guardian to others, I failed more and more. The rising competitive level in the school did not help either as everyone strived to do better than others in their academics. With these two factors, I began to feel isolated from others. On December 6, 2006, I wrote, "lately i feel that there is...a lot of pressure, very little time, and kinda lonely...isn't it the worst when...you try to talk to someone and they ignore you, you want to talk to someone but don't know what to say, you want to talk to someone but there's no way to contact him/her. Maybe that's why i feel so lonely lately..." As I began to grow more distant from people, I also became more and more shy. I began to feel like nobody to everyone except the ones that are really close to me. Just a reminder that although a lot of friends were slowly fading away in my life, I did have a couple close friends who stayed with me. Another reminder is that although I was a self proclaimed Christian, I only believed and did not do anything about my faith at all. All I did back then was go to church, but I did not have a relationship with God, I did not live by faith, and I never truly relied on Him or placed my trust in Him.

As sophmore year continued, I continued to try to live for others and make them smile. Only failures result. I also saw how as I poured myself onto others, they only grow unappreciative and the darkness surrounding me just grew larger and larger. As academic burdens grew heavier, I also began to gain more weight in my life. As this progressed, I began to hate myself for failing to live by my purpose. On May 21, 2007, as the finals approached, I wrote" Inner Battle: Lately, I am struggling to fulfill my meaning of life. I used to feel happy when others are happy. But sometimes, lately, I do hurtful things without noticing. I must manage to achieve the resolution that i have made. Relationships: I feel like my friendships and family ties are very unstable lately, so I must step forward and relink those ties of love."

After a summer of a SAT class, in which I made a lot of memories with friends that only came into my life for two months, I headed into junior year, my most painful year. Academics suddenly became extremely loaded, especially with AP US History and AP Chemistry. Once again, as I tried to live with my purpose along with all the new weight in my life, my heart became more shattered and torn everyday. As I observed how people in the class of 2009 began to place almost all their time into the studies to make sure they could surpass others in the competitive environment, I started to see how my school became a preview of the capitalism society. Everyone was trying to aim for their financial goal and climb the ladder of success, but in doing so, they had to become so focused on themselves that they began to cut off the ties they had with the ones around them and drift away. I saw back then how people either chose academics for personal material gain, or relationships and suffer the failures of this world. I saw how people began to become puppets of this world. By becoming puppets, new selfish desires also started to arise. In the competitive world, you're always afraid that someone is better than you or have obtained information that you have not. You start to let that crush you down and think you're perhaps inferior to the ones around you. While I myself tried to hold on to my relationships, I was slowly and inevitably getting sucked into this world too. Grades began to become a heavier matter in my life. I began to separate myself from people to study. I sat alone at lunch. I thought back then that I needed to get used to being alone. But in the midst of all this, I did not give up on my meaning of life. But it was incredibly hard with all the worries, anxiety, and stress that sat in my life. I grew more and more weary each day. In addition to all this, one friend who had stayed close to me in both freshman and sophmore year had suddenly chosen to abandon me and join another group of friends because she had decided to chase after her crush. I began to develop a strong fear for the future. What's going to come ahead? More hurt? More sorrow? As I stayed true to my meaning, I began to put on a "mask". I put on a fake smile everyday, hoping it would make others smile, even though mine was fake. As this mask thickens, the wall around my heart also began to grow stronger. I could only truly be myself in front of my family and no one else. Once during December, during a choir concert, there was an octet that performed beautifully together. But as I saw how close they were together and how many memories and fun they must have shared as they rehearsed, I became extremely jealous. That event made me look back to all the memories I had in the past few years. On December 16th, 2007, on my old blogger, I wrote, "But why are they all "used to"s? Why can't things just last forever? Why does it seem like every memory that I shared with people just disappear? WHYY!?! You know, I would do anything to get back to those times. What do I have to do? Well, I know I can't turn time back around. Maybe I have changed, maybe they have changed. I just really want to get in closer to who I have as my friends right now. But I just can't seem to get any closer. In addition to that, this year, I have been completely off. I can't find the words to say when I am with my friends. I just blank out. As a result, my friends grow distant from me. And that feeling of loneliness returns. I have been eating lunch alone lately this year. The last time I did that was in 8th grade. I just can't seem to know what to do anymore....How do I become more useful to those I love? How do I become happier?"

While I was still barely holding onto life, I continually looked back to my past. On February 13, 2008, I wrote, "Hollow. My past is slowly drifting away from me. I don't want to put it behind me, I want to conserve it as a memory to keep me strong. But they blow through the holes of my hand, escaping my grasp. Hong Kong...when will I go there again? My cousins and uncle...when will we meet again? And when we do, can it still feel like the past? Even in school...so many things happen, and I fall deeper into my own abyss. My grades are dropping lately, very low. Especially APUSH, I was in so much hope to acquire an A this semester, but damn reading quizzes always get in the way. And when I try so hard to entertain my friends, sometimes things backfire, and it's all my fault. I am supposed to learn from the faults of my past, but I am too weak to face them. As these disappointments grow, only my anger and hatred for myself prosper, and I become more consumed by my own darkness. But I am scared that others would see this sad and dark side of me, I don't want to hurt them. And...my meaning of life, to make others happy...all I can do is smile and tell some jokes, do some impressions of some character from a disney movie or a contestant from American Idol. And when I am isolated, I disenchant myself. Everything I do seems to be a fault. God puts me here in this world for a purpose, everything has a purpose. I will assume that this is a trial that someday I can learn from. But for now, I am still hollow and walking on the path of despair. Please...how may I gain strength...how do I become stronger?"

Later, I also wrote, "I have been a very weak person this year...junior year. Academics became such a strong focus, I could not turn my eyes on anything else. As I become engulfed in this academic and competition trap set by this world, I lose myself, a wall forms around me, I almost excommunicate myself at times. But I tried harder in second semester to rebuild the friendships I have, to make others laugh, to become stronger. I tried to stand with more confidence, I tried to put some of my horrid past behind me. Yet that wall still existed around me, yet that fear still lives in me, but I didn't want to frown, so I fought on." Then came the snow retreat that was hosted by my church. Although this God centered experience was not the one that transformed me, it was the first time someone confirmed to me that salvation came from God's grace, not from works earned by our own strength. All we have to do is accept Him as both Lord and Savior, and have a love relationship with Him. It was also the last night of the snow retreat that I felt God's presence for the first time as He filled the room with the Holy Spirit during worship. Although I felt back then how strong God's presence was, my way of living did not change as I did not surrender myself to Him. The pattern of my life continued. I think that back then God used this experience and the love of my parents to keep me from suiciding, but this trial was to last longer before He rescued me and completely transformed me.

As junior year continued, I continued to be a puppet of this world. I continued to put on that mask. I continued to have fear for the future. While I held onto my meaning back then, I had two desires. One was to be a hero who can love and help countless at the same time. The other was to be happy. But with all that had happened to me, these two desires felt impossible to be fulfilled. Memories began to pain me more rather than give me strength. On May 6, 2008, I wrote, "I am so mad today, and I hate it. I hate how I am so fragile, letting every single little thing affect how I feel, then ending up hurting myself the most and losing everything that I have. So many past memories pain me and I always try to prevent the past from reenacting. And yet...the nature of my heart consumes me and turns me into a monster. One friend of mine has been one of my closest friends for two years, and she started ignoring me this year for another clique, to pursue her crush. Well, I don't mind at first. But what the heck, it's like I am non existent now in her life. I tried to get over that, and I did. But what pisses me off more was that she imed me over spring break apologizing for what she's done and then says she wants to start over with our friendship. Heck, she has shown no actions when we started school and even seem to be more ignorant and cruel. A person barren of promises, backstabbing her own words, giving lies, and a close friend of mine too, damn, I am hurting so much. To add to that, one of my best friends put our friendship on jeopardy because of a stupid little thing. What the heck?!
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I am glad no one reads my blog anymore.
Cuz right now, I am a monster who is angry over the high price of freedom."
On May 14, 2008, I wrote, "Am I boring? Am I unapproachable? Am I disgusting? If no to all, why does the distance between me and my friends keep growing and growing? Why do I feel so alone?" On the same day, I also wrote, "War. To everyone of us in this world, there's a war going on. Battles that rage at us and they turn us into so many things, changing us into monsters or angels. Watching Patriots today has made me remember how humans can be driven to such horrible things at times. Suiciding when your family died? Revenge? Executing an order from a higher authority even though it's unjust? Does that really only happen during a war? In my opinion, no. These things happen every single day. Forces that drive us so crazy, makes us sad, makes us mourn, sets up a melancholic environment, makes us feel lonely, makes us feel purposeless, and then we drive ourselves closer and closer to our dark corner, forgetting the love that has been given to us. BUT as Peter Parker said in Spiderman 3, "no matter what battle we have raging on inside us...we always have a choice." Do we? For that, I do not know. I would love to believe so, but right now I feel like I almost have no choice in anything. That's what I meant when I said that "the price of freedom is steep". A quote from a very profound video game, yet very true. Capitalism is truly the best solution to a government, but I think that it has driven us too far as generations go on. Competitions just keep rising and rising. Friendships fade and break because of the mindset in which we have to strive hard for ourselves. In turn, we only think of ourselves, forgetting to live for others, which brings me back to the resolution I have made back in freshman year, "to make others happy no matter what, to live life for others" Psh, I don't even know what to say anymore. To this day, I believe that I am still striving for this goal, but it seems almost impossible. Am I naive to think that I can still continue to live upon this resolution? I don't know. Right now, the war that I am facing, very tough, very cruel, very sad, very lonely. I just wish that all my friends would just talk to me, open their hearts up, and let me feel that I still have a place in their soul, a place where I can help others and make them happy."

Because of the love of God and my parents, I managed to hold on to life. Then...junior year ended. On June 23, 2008, I wrote, "I've been reminiscing...Looking back at all those choices I made in life, looking at what could have been, seeing the present me...I am really glad I met God, and that some other things happened to me, but...I also pity myself in someway, always living in regret. I let so many chances slip by, always looking for the perfect opportunities, and I let so much potential happiness slip by. Now I live as a quiet little boy who's so useless, never being able to stand up for himself, quiet in crowds, afraid to show the real me, always holdin back. All those times I said I would break out of my shell, but those became mere words. Everyone changes as they grow, everyone loses things as they grow, and I have grown to be a bad person. I used to say I want to live for someone else always, making them happy. But in the end, is it not my selfishness that has risen to consume and blind me? And what about friends? I have some pretty cool friends, but I always grow distant from them and in the end, why do i bring myself the closest to the people who talk about sex all the time and try to make me do things that I don't wanna do? And in the end, why am I so afraid to feel those that I can call true friends, so afraid to show my true self, so afraid to speak up, so afraid that I would bore them, disappoint them, and get hurt myself. Right now, I only want to bring the lines between me and my friends to a shorter distance, to create memories and recollections, and I pray that I would become a better person through the love of God, reflecting His love on His people even with my fragile weak self.."

As summer went on, I still did not give up on the meaning of life that I lived by for over two years and a half now. I kept reflecting on my own life. The memories...the mask...the sadness...the loneliness. How was I supposed to break free? How was I supposed to help others and lift off their burdens and darkness?
On July 9, 2008, I wrote a song with the following lyrics, hoping someone out there would read this and help me:
"Grew only with family by my side.
And let myself out in a happy way.
But then came
Memories that broke through me
Putting me behind the walls that I make.
So afraid to show the world...

*Step out that door,
The mask comes on
So naturally
So unconsciously.
That smile in sight
That laughter heard
But I hope you can see the true self inside..*

Then as I grow,
I understand the bonds that make up the society
Know that I need to step out of my boundaries
But so afraid to try.
What if I get hurt myself.
Will you be there to heal my wounds?
Will you be there to say that "it's ok"?

*Step out that door,
The mask comes on
So naturally
So unconsciously.
That smile in sight
That laughter heard
But I hope you can see the true self inside..*

And so, I see, I grow, I learn.
And I desire to be stronger.
Will you give me the power
to come up
with a remedy for this world?
To heal the thousands just like me?!

So many lonely people out there
I want to be there for them too
So make me the one
to guide and love them
make me the one to help Him shine the light!

Step out the door
the mask comes on
but please let this mask grow thinner
as I grow
and let me be your guardian inside.
Just let me break out of the darkness."

On August 14, 2008, I wrote about human relationships, "I end up being lost in thoughts, thinking about all sorts of things. Random things, deep things, necessary things, the future, God, friends, family, the past, just all that stuff. I also ended up coming across random movies and surprisingly they're all very profound. One of those movies is called 5 Centimeters Per Second. It's a story about this boy, who has fallen in love with this girl when he was child, and as he grew older and older, because of distance and time, he slowly drifts away from her. Then near the end of the movie, he's all grown up, drawn into the society, and the girl has already moved on and married someone else while his thoughts still dwell on her, wishing that the memories that he now calls dreams would surface and become reality again, but finally realized that he has to move on in the end. It really shows how human relationships can be so fragile. This makes my soul wander back into my own past, my own past relationships. My cousins, uncle, friends, they all slowly change and move on while I still dwell in my past.

The memories you see in me
Burn with your images
They are lingering inside my heart
Cause me pain
Can you make them surface again?
-Wesley Cheung

Instead of disappearing from their hearts, I wish I can stop them from moving on, stop their minds, and ignite the chain of memories that would lead to me. "Time is a cruel thief", Mikako from Voices of a Distant Star said.

"But the world is black
And hearts are cold
But there's no hope
That's what we're told.
And we can't go back
It won't be the same
Forever changed
By the things we've seen"
-The World is Black by Good Charlotte

When life runs on and as we slowly drift away from the ones we used to be close to, all those precious memories become only dreams.

"Just by living one's life, sadness accumulates here and there" -Tohno from 5 Centimeters Per Second

If I ever find love in terms of romance, I hope that instead of drifting away from her at the speed of 5cm/s, I would only grow closer to her at the same speed."

Summer ended and now I entered senior year. I continued to value my relationships with my friends deeply. I continued to try to stay true to my meaning of life. But once again, pain resulted. Once, a friend of mine said something that hurt me so much that I literally wanted to go and suicide, but once again God stopped me by having one of my brothers in Christ pray for me. God also used him to write an encouragement letter to me and make a Christian music CD for me. But after that incident, I still continued my own ways, placing my securities into people. More pain resulted again. On August 27, 2008, I wrote, "Sinking. I can't take it anymore. I seriously want to cry right now, but tears will not emerge from my eyes. Only the heart aches instead, I can't do anything about it.

One of my closest friends for the past year promised me something, and then just break it all of a sudden. What the heck? I had so much trust in him. Is he trying to drift away from me or something?

Oh yeah, and one of my best friends from freshman/sophmore year...after what she did in junior year, I can't help but feel bitter whenever I see her. Words cannot come out, no matter how badly I want the friendship to be back to the way it was before. I am dying inside, so horrendously.
Such torture...

"I die each time you look away" -Trading Yesterday

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHDSOIFHOIFDSH"

As I faced more hurt, I once again isolated myself more and more from others. On September 5, 2008, I wrote, "why do I isolate myself? Fear of boring my friends. Fear of losing friendships. Fear of facing more of what is haunting me now, the shattered past. So many things drown me, I am dying more inside everyday." On September 25, 2008, I wrote, "What is the reason that I am so sad? Is it because I feel lonely? Is it because I have grown to abhor myself for all those times that I still resort to jealousy, hatred, and temptations? Is it because I feel so useless among the working community? I am so lost."

The patterns continued for the next two months as I worked on my college applications. However, something in me in the beginning of my senior year led me to my school's Christian club more often. Something in me tried to draw closer to God's heart in my relationship with Him. However, the mask was still there, the sadness was still there, the hurt was still there, the paining memories still burned, and nothing seemed right for me.

Then at last, God chose November 2008 to be the month that He rescued me. With two messages from my church's Sunday services, God spoke to me in a way that completely changed my life. The first message was given by a guest speaker who came to my church. He specifically talked about the process of waiting: waiting through being single, waiting through tough times, or waiting through the suffering of a close friend. There are three parts in his message. First, he taught me how during this process of waiting, if we are sad, angry, or depressed, our focus is on ourselves. This completely hit the core of my heart as it revealed the condition of my life for the past three years. Even though I tried to live for others and make them happy, I was always looking at how I could also gain happiness and get fulfilled. I always cared about my needs and my rights. I focused on what I don't have and what I could have rather than what I already have (which is much), constantly trying to feed my own desires. I was in constant demand of attention and reciprocation from those I tried to love, and in return, I became a more selfish creature than ever before. Is this not the case for all humans? When we live for ourselves, life becomes meaningless. When we live for ourselves, we chase after success, attention, and others' service, and we think this is what leads us to happiness, but in the end, we either become broken-hearted for not attaining what we want or we just keep wanting more and more until we find that these things do not truly bring us what we need. I felt miserable those three years because in the midst of all my intentions, it eventually lead back to myself.
The guest speaker than said that we have to understand something: my story is part of His story of love, grace, and redemption. I...who am so weak, selfish, and full of disgusting and abhorrent thoughts...God would actually still say that He will use me for great purposes if I let Him. God wants to free me from my selfishness and give me new desires that seek after Him and care for the people that He has put in my life. He wants me to be able to truly love.

The guest speaker then went on to talk about his best friend. His best friend has a wife whose medical condition has reached such a detrimental level that if she gets out of the bed in the morning, that is considered good. Yet, despite such glooming circumstances, that best friend still looks into his wife's eyes every single morning and gently says to her with a sincere heart, "I love you. I love you, and I don't know how yet...but I want to make your day today." The guest speaker said that this should be our attitude towards God every morning and every moment. This amazed me and captured my heart. This made me in awe. All those years I wanted to place others' needs above my own and I failed because I would always turn back to myself. But now God is here saying: "You can turn to Me. I will be the love of your life every single moment. No matter how horrible the circumstances may be, I will give you the strength to love because I love you. Place your heart's focus on Me."

Finally, the guest speaker ended the message by saying that we should always be joyful and thankful during our times of waiting. I could not truly embrace this last part at that time because I did not fully understand it. So I held the first two parts of the message to heart and wanted to live it out. For the next two or three weeks, every morning, I would say to God, "I love You, and I don't know how yet, but I want to make Your day today!". With this focus and this new love that God has allowed me to have toward Him, I could start to see Him changing me. God gave me new desires of love, of truly investing my heart to other people and seeing their wellbeing slowly come to fruition. I started sharing this message about the art of waiting to a lot of the people that God sent in my way. The experience was phenomenal. However, something was still troubling me. There would seem to be times in which circumstances still appeared to be so painful and dark, and I succumbed to negative emotions. My heart seemed to be crying out: "Can I ever be happy, God? After all the pain that I've endured for the past three years...and all the pain that will still come, can I ever be happy?"

It was the end of November when God answered this question of mine. The pastor at my church gave a message about joy being part of the Fruit of the Spirit. He talked about how contrary to the societal definition, happiness and joy are two different things. Happiness is based on circumstances, but joy is a choice. Happiness is like a thermometer that is dependent on the temperature around, but joy is like a thermostat with which we set the temperature. Joy is an attitude we have that stems from our relationship with God. If I were to honestly reflect upon all the thoughts I have and all the actions I do throughout the days, I would be able to see such disgust and horror in me that I would never want to share with anyone. Yet...the just and holy God who knows all my ways in and out...sees me and still loves me unconditionally... I deserve to die and go to hell this very instant, yet He sent His Son to die on the cross and take the punishment for my sins, so that when I place my trust in Him, He would allow me to spend eternity with Him. He would allow me to love Him and be in an intimate relationship with Him. He would allow me to be a reason of His divine happiness. Joy also stems from a confidence that God's perfect will is at work, that He is working everything out for the good. No matter what troubles we are going through, we can trust Him and know that He will turn that trial into a valuable lesson for me and into tremendous blessings for those around me. Thus, we can be joyful even when the circumstances are negative. Joy also comes from humility, caring about others' needs before our own. No longer do I have to compete and compete all the time for attention and worth when God has already given me all of that. Rather, I can give my all to love those that God has entrusted to me.

With November, I decided to truly give my whole life to God. I placed Him as my focal attention and became a genuine follower of Christ. It was then that I truly became a Christian. I wanted to let His love for me and my love for Him be my intentions and foundations on which I live upon.

As I placed my trust in Him, I have also allowed Him to lift off all the stress, anxieties, worries, and fears of my life. I know I could lift off all the distress of my life to Him if He can lift off a burden as big as sin. I also no longer fear for my future because I know I have a secured one with His perfect will in play. I no longer have to fake my smile as God gives me the everlasting joy from within that overflows to others. With this joy, my mask slowly shattered piece by piece. The walls around my heart began to crumble down and I could truly be myself around the people in my life. With the Holy Spirit and the love that Jesus has shown by dying on the cross for us, He taught me how to truly love those around me unconditionally, no matter how they grow distant or how they may reject me. God gave me hope and allowed me to do things that I could have never done before with my own strength. With Him, I can now truly live for others and love them with my full heart. He has given me the chances to reach out to those who are in need of kindness and compassion, and allowed me to show them how amazing His love is. What was impossible before is now possible. As He gives me strength to do everything out of love for Him and the ones around me, the world also no longer has a grasp on me. I am now living in this world, but I am no longer of this world.
God loves us so much and now I live each day for Him.
And now after reading my story, I pray and hope that you will too.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16)

"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved" (Romans 10:9).

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

"And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed" (Deuteronomy 31:8)

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.
Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law" (Galatians 5:22-23).

Letting Go

2009-08-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

Only a week left before college starts. For the past week, I lived at a friend's house at my earthly hometown, Cupertino. I had plans for the first day and the last three days of the trip, and no plans at all for the rest of the week. However, I prayed each morning that I would just lift that day up to God and let Him do whatever He wants with it. The result? The Lord gave me unforgettable memories every single day, everyday was GOOD. Powerful and relaxing heart to heart fellowship almost everyday with brothers and sisters. Shared some smiles with a couple non-Christian friends. God allowed me to sing the first Christian song I sang on stage in my last performance before college starts. My last vocal lesson from my friend had a bittersweet feel as he told me of a testimony of a recent event in his life. In addition to that, God gave me a wonderful graduation night for my youth group, reminding me of how both a lot of my brothers and sisters and I really went through some tremendous changes through the Holy Spirit. This morning, the last morning of this trip, I was overwhelmed and I cried as I thanked God of how much He has given me. When I look back to myself before I became a day to day follower of Christ and look at myself now, I see how much God has given me. The change within me. The relationships He has given me. The joy He has given me... The love He has given me...

This...is a week I think I will never forget in my life. The Lord gave me a conclusion in Cupertino, allowing this chapter to come to a full finish, and now the new chapter in Berkeley is to come soon. God has given me so much this week, showing me His goodness, showing me how deep and wide His love is. I surrendered each day to Him and He made it better than anything I can imagine, and I am so thankful.

As I left from my last Sunday service at my home church this summer and head back to Dublin, I missed my brothers and sisters tremendously as I know that I probably will not see them for a long time. A small part of me really wanted me to go back to those brothers and sisters and just be in their presence. However, my heart knows that God's got big plans for me as He gives me this wonderful ending to this chapter in my life. I've gotta keep moving forward as I allow Him to be my Guide.

But when I went back home, a very small part of me still wanted to hold on to the past. I looked at the pictures that my cell phone has taken over the past year, the best year of my life, the year of my transformation through Christ. As I plugged in my memory card into the mac and unplugged it because of some technical difficulty with the computer, the whole year's pictures were gone. I gotta admit, knowing that all those pictures just vanished hurt my heart at an intense level. My whole being literally yelled for a second. But then I immediately realized that God was once again reminding me to place all my securities in Him and not in anything else. He's saying that now that He has given me all these gifts of good memories this past week, it's time to move on and let go. He's saying "Don't hold on to these memories as if your life depends on it, as if they sit at the top of your heart's desires. Let go of the past and let these memories that I have given you strengthen you as you dive into the next chapter of your life. Let go now, and you will do great things for Me."

The Worldlys and the Foot-Washers (Core Message Emphasized)

2009-08-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

When you shift your life's focus on yourself...your life becomes meaningless.
Let me explain a little more. (Some of following info I have learned from an episode of Easter Experience with pastor Kyle Idleman) A couple men had decided to invest money to build a road. At first, they were very motivated as they worked together to build this road. However, as they went on, they realized that this road actually lead to nowhere. When they knew this, motivation started to die off, they lose the will to work, and the project eventually died off. A road that leads to nowhere is meaningless. When you live life for yourself, it's meaningless. You work really hard in your company to get recognized, you get the position you want, you get the parking spot you want. And then you ask "Now what? Isn't there more than this?" Many chase the American dream, chase after what they want for themselves. They want attention. They want to be served instead of serving others. They think this is the road to happiness. But in the end, they either become broken-hearted for not achieving what they want or they just keep wanting more and more until they find that these things do not truly bring them what they need. Sadness still often realm in their lives. Majority of the new generation is under depression. Do you know why? This is because the new generation has been taught so deeply to place their life's focus on themselves. When they realize that through this mean their needs will never truly be met, they see their lives as meaningless, they question why they are on this earth at all. At the last supper, before Jesus came into the room of the 11 disciples, they were very much like us today, they had their focus on themselves, and they were arguing which one of them is the best, which one of them got to sit next to Jesus. Meanwhile, Judas had just returned from selling out Jesus for thirty pieces of silver for yet another selfish reason. When Jesus came in, He knew that there wasn't much more time before His death. The time for sermons was over. So to show the disciples what their purpose for life should be, He stepped down to clean their feet. Their feet must have been extremely dirty considering that there was no sanitizing regulations on the grounds they had walked on...full of poo, dirt, and many other bacterial materials. But Jesus, with the hands that created all of us, stepped down and washed their feet, knowing that Judas would soon betray Him with a kiss, knowing that the other disciples would soon abandon Him during the time in which He needed them the most. The Creator serving His creations. Our purpose in life is to serve others, place others' needs above us.
That is very against what the world teaches. In fact, the system of the world is feeding the self. Everything behind this world has one foundation: selfishness. But when Christ has called us to Him, we enter the Kingdom of God. We are in this world, but we are no longer of this world. The foundation behind our actions becomes the love of God.

"When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you" (John 13:12-15)

"just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Matthew 20:28).

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want" (Psalm 23:1).

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body" (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

The Worldlys and the Foot-Washers

2009-08-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

Haha, I am going to be honest. Last two days were horrible. Why? Because I spent them on video games. These things produced by the world...they may seem harmless at first, but wow do they steal away so much time, so much of my mind, so much of my thoughts, so much of my strength. It's crazy. And with only two days, I started to see what it was doing to me. This makes me think back to an analogy a brother in Christ told me awhile back. He talked of a scene, with a table of feast on one side of the backyard, and a pigsty on the other side, with pigs eating dirt. When we come to Christ, we realize that we are eating dirt with the pigs, and immediately run to the table of feast. However, the brother also said that every now and then, we would suddenly go back to eat dirt and not realize it until moments later, then of course run back to the table of feast.
These things produced by the world such as video games, anime, or Asian dramas, on the surface they seem to do no harm. The Bible never specifically point these things out. However, as you dive into them, you see that you give more and more of yourself to them. You spend hours getting addicted, they become drugs, you stay at home so you can see what happens next, you're dying to get to the next stage, next episode, etc. The most horrible things that these things do, they shift your focus away from others, and onto yourself. And when you shift your life's focus on yourself...your life becomes meaningless.
Let me explain a little more. (Some of following info I have learned from an episode of Easter Experience with pastor Kyle Idleman) A couple men had decided to invest money to build a road. At first, they were very motivated as they worked together to build this road. However, as they went on, they realized that this road actually lead to nowhere. When they knew this, motivation started to die off, they lose the will to work, and the project eventually died off. A road that leads to nowhere is meaningless. When you live life for yourself, it's meaningless. You work really hard in your company to get recognized, you get the position you want, you get the parking spot you want. And then you ask "Now what? Isn't there more than this?" Many chase the American dream, chase after what they want for themselves. They want attention. They want to be served instead of serving others. They think this is the road to happiness. But in the end, they either become broken-hearted for not achieving what they want or they just keep wanting more and more until they find that these things do not truly bring them what they need. Sadness still often realm in their lives. Majority of the new generation is under depression. Do you know why? This is because the new generation has been taught so deeply to place their life's focus on themselves. When they realize that through this mean their needs will never truly be met, they see their lives as meaningless, they question why they are on this earth at all. At the last supper, before Jesus came into the room of the 11 disciples, they were very much like us today, they had their focus on themselves, and they were arguing which one of them is the best, which one of them got to sit next to Jesus. Meanwhile, Judas had just returned from selling out Jesus for thirty pieces of silver for yet another selfish reason. When Jesus came in, He knew that there wasn't much more time before His death. The time for sermons was over. So to show the disciples what their purpose for life should be, He stepped down to clean their feet. Their feet must have been extremely dirty considering that there was no sanitizing regulations on the grounds they had walked on...full of poo, dirt, and many other bacterial materials. But Jesus, with the hands that created all of us, stepped down and washed their feet, knowing that Judas would soon betray Him with a kiss, knowing that the other disciples would soon abandon Him during the time in which He needed them the most. The Creator serving His creations. Our purpose in life is to serve others, place others' needs above us.
That is very against what the world teaches. In fact, the system of the world is feeding the self. Everything behind this world has one foundation: selfishness. But when Christ has called us to Him, we enter the Kingdom of God. We are in this world, but we are no longer of this world. The foundation behind our actions becomes the love of God.

That video game, that anime, that Asian drama, or anything else that you may dwell on that turns you into an addict, God's Word may not have specifically pointed them out, but knowing that they steal away our time and attention away from others and shift us more towards ourselves, knowing that they are products of this world sending out a worldly effect in us, when we know this, we know that these things are the dirt compared to what God has to offer us. It drives us down a road of meaninglessness, a road of nothing. It strips us of all the time we could be using to serve others and God Himself. It steals away all the time that could have been used to save people from hell out there. In fact, it's breaking God's greatest command for us: to love God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul, and with all your strength. Brothers, sisters, immediately turn from these addictive things. If it may be hard at first, see it as fasting. Fasting away from video games, animes, dramas, etc. Pray to God to get back into His will, head out there, and show His love. Rid yourself of the influence of the "worldys" and be "foot-washers". Placing your whole life with the foundations of serving others may not seem appealing at first, but the result is the true joy that God guarantees us. The joy that stems from Him and Him alone, the joy that is a choice.

"When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you" (John 13:12-15)

"just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Matthew 20:28).

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want" (Psalm 23:1).

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body" (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

P.S.: Notice how I did not mention other addictives like facebook, television, or youtube. That is because these things can be used for the glory of the Lord. You can use facebook to share your faith through your status or notes. You can watch Christian channels on television to see what God has to teach you through them. You can use youtube to look for Christian music/videos or even make your own Christian videos and share them with the world. Let everything you do be for the glory of the Lord, and the Lord will bless them and use them to expand the Kingdom of Heaven, planting seeds in many.

Art of Music (Part 1)

2009-08-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

Music today...people search and search for a music that would fit them, they search for the "perfect" melody, and then...they keep listening to that song that finally clicks with them...for awhile. That particular song soothes them for awhile, with its melody, with its lyrics. But after listening to it for at most a month or so repetitively, they lose interest in that song and go search for a new one that clicks. They bet bored of it. The melody is a temporary pleasure. The lyrics, no matter how fitting in their lives they are or how deep and profound they are, they only give a very temporary relief and hope. This is not unlike the many things that the world chases today. They reach something that seems to be satisfying at first, but eventually they wear off and die off, no matter what effect they produced.

However, as I was listening to the K-Love Christian radio channel the other day, songs that praise the Lord and remind us of His goodness...no matter how many times I listen to them, no matter how many years, they can still hold value in my life and lift up my soul because they tell of the God that is eternal. The melody may pass away, but the words still reach into my heart and it restores me and reminds me of my joy in the Lord, my strength in the Lord. This is not unlike all the things that are done for the Lord. Everything done for the Lord holds eternal meaning. It is something people will remember forever. It is something that concerns their eternal life, eternal destination. It is something that allows God's love and goodness to overflow to all others and let His light and glory shine throughout the corners of the earth.

Seeing this...and knowing this...how can we not give our whole life, every single element of it, to the Lord and lets Him shine through us?

Doubt

2009-08-01T23:51:00.000-07:00

When Satan tries to feed me lies...and make me doubt...There are three things that I remember:

1. I can feel the presence of the Holy Spirit at work and burning within me.

2. I have seen Him done miracles and answered prayers countless times.

3. I have been transformed tremendously by Him. I am a new creation in Christ, and the old ways are gone.

And then...I pray for the Lord to rid me of all the lies in my heart and root in me the truth.
May God keep all of us strong in Him,
and let us continue to love Him, each of us, with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our strength, and with all our mind.

All the good deeds of our lives...to God be all the glory, Amen.

Flywheel

2009-07-31T00:35:00.000-07:00

After watching both Fireproof and Facing the Giants, I have been having a strong desire to watch Sherwood Baptist Church's first movie, Flywheel. Amazingly, I found it at last on Tuesday and I watched it tonight. I highly recommend this movie as it is an amazing story of faith. I was actually surprised even as this was their first movie ever with a 20,000 dollar budget. Through this movie, I was once again amazed by what God can do and reminded of how faithful and good He is! God has truly blessed them, it's powerful and phenomenal. Praise God for that! I hope you will have the chance and time to watch it too.

God bless.

In Christ,
Wesley

Stepping into a Pessimist's Shoes

2009-07-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who has an extremely pessimistic view of the world. Often, he asks me, "Don't you think humans are horrible? Don't you think we are all naturally evil? What a horrible world we live in?" In his gmail status, he would say always something like "we are both the gods and slaves of ourselves". When he talks about a close friend of mine, he would purposefully insult him in front of me and criticize all of my friend's actions. This pessimistic friend of mine turns all actions of good intentions into something horrid and unacceptable. He certainly does not believe in the best of people. I personally mourn for him. Being a child of God, knowing that there is such a friend who is constantly suppressing himself with sadness and darkness, it hurts my heart.

Yes, there is some truth to what he says. All humans are indeed born evil, born sinful. To some extent, it makes sense that he starts to hate humanity when he sees these sins in action. Sins are indeed disgusting. They are what separate us from God. They are the cause of our death.
However, something amazes me. He also insults Christianity. He is too prideful too accept Christianity. If you are like my friend here, then please listen to what I have to say. If humans are truly that disgusting, then it makes sense that anyone would have a disgust for humanity. Now imagine, one day, you read about this person named Tom. He had been betrayed by his friends, rejected by his hometown, and had his whole family just because he said something they all disagreed with. You don't seem surprised at first, as this even strengthens your believes in humans being evil. However, as you read on, you find out that Tom did not seek revenge. He did not run away. Instead, during the drought and famine that his hometown was suffering from, he kept donating food and money to the town until the disaster was over. You should be surprised now. Seeing that this person acted completely against what you believe in, even after he was tortured and ridiculed. Seeing this phenomenon that completely contradicts your view on the world, do you not immediately become fascinated with this person? Do you not with all your strength want to get to know this person with an open heart to see he could possibly act against the nature that you believe in?

Now, do you know that you have probably already rejected God, ridiculed Him, and spat at His face with your words countless times already? Do you know that He, as your Heavenly Father, has seen you break against almost every law that He has set for you, the laws that are meant to prosper you and not to harm or restrict you? Yet, after you have hurt Him over and over and over again, do you know that He still loves you? Do you know that even though your actions have already determined your final destination to be hell, God still personally made a way for you so that you can go to heaven? Do you know God abandoned Heaven's riches to come to Earth in human form Himself as Jesus Christ? Do you know that He went through the most extremes of every temptation and trial possible so that whatever circumstance you're facing, you can personally know that there is Someone out there who understands you and cares for you? Do you know He carried all the world's sins along with all the guilt, shame, and weight of all human history on His shoulders when He died on the cross so that if you choose to come to Him, your sins may be forgiven and you may be free from sins' grip? He paid your fine for you with His own blood so that you would not have to go to hell, even when the wages of your sins is death. Do you know He rose from the dead so that you may know all His promises will indeed be fulfilled? And do you know He rose from the dead on the third day, proving that He has overcome what no man has ever overcome before, so that you know whatever you're going through, there is hope? God personally believes in the best of humanity even though they have betrayed, insulted, and ridiculed Him to such an unimaginable level. If you know there is such God out there who loves humanity so much even though humanity, as you already know, is such a disgust and curse to this planet, should you not want to have a relationship with Him right away and learn from Him with an open heart?

Repent, turn away from your sins, trust Him with your life, and you will spend eternity with Him.

If you want to make this decision to trust in Christ with your whole life today, this is a suggested prayer:
"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner and have done things that are wrong in Your eyes..and I am sorry. Please forgive me... I believe that You died for my sins and rose from the dead...and now I want to turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior. Please live in my heart and lead my life. I need you to show me how to develop a deep and meaningful relationship with You. Help me to do the things that bring joy to Your heart and help me stop doing the things that break Your heart. Give me Your wisdom so I can know what is right and wrong. When I read the Bible, send Your Holy Spirit to teach me. Help me to learn to talk with You every day through prayer. I want to be in a living relationship with You. Please help me to grow closer to you every day, Lord. Thank you for Your mercy, grace...and love. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen"

A Knock on the Heart

2009-07-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

Friends, brothers, sisters,
I want to share with you a story. A fifteen-paged short story that I could not have written without the help of God. A story written for my literature class on May 20, 2009.
A story of two friends in today's world.

http://aknockontheheart.blogspot.com/

I hope you enjoy it.

In Christ,
Wesley

The Dark Fire of Persecution

2009-07-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

Brothers...sisters...
If you're facing persecution and ridicule...if you're hurting because others try to step down on your faith...if your heart is aching because the world hates you for loving your Father, then remember and know that you are not alone, "...because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings" (1 Peter 5:9).

Last week on this blog, I wrote of my victory over masturbation as Christ has helped me overcome it once and for all. (http://wesleyacheung.blogspot.com/2009/07/masturbation.html) Knowing that this is a pretty powerful gift that God has given me, I wanted to share it with brothers and sisters around, so they may also be freed from one of the most struggled-with sins. I first posted it on my facebook. My Christian brothers and sisters were thankful for it. Some non-Christians were thankful too as they knew how masturbation truly drains away our time, energy, and thoughts. However, there would be some who would come to attack. A friend of mine...last year, before I was in a close relationship with God, I talked with him about masturbation. He agreed that it was a serious issue too and wanted to get rid of it. This year...I gave him the solution...However, he did not consider the solution at all. Instead, he bashed on me as he called the blog ridiculous and tried to justify himself, thinking that there is nothing wrong with objectifying the opposite sex. He was angry that he was convicted of a sin. Just after one year, Satan has gained so much grip over him, I was extremely saddened by this. But God, with His all amazing grace, eventually gave me joy and peace again.

The next day, Sunday night, a friend of mine suddenly just instant messaged me and attacked me because Christians believe that homosexuality is a sin. I tried to explain to her, she didn't listen. She said all type of negative things against me. But God teaches us to be patient and loving, I did not say anything negative back. However, I was again extremely torn apart because Satan has blocked her ability to listen to reason and love. The next day, I was convinced that God wanted me to send her an email explaining in depth what it truly means to love a homosexual individual. This email is posted on this blog if you're interested. (http://wesleyacheung.blogspot.com/2009/07/email-to-homosexual-rights-fighter.html) However, after reading it, she refused to listen at all, but just said more negative things.

Then Tuesday morning came...I wanted to further spread my post on masturbation to Christians around so that they may have help overcoming this addictive sin.. So I went to one of the biggest Christian groups on facebook and posted a thread, saying how God has helped me overcome masturbation. Immediately, non Christians in a Christian group posted offensive replies, saying evil things against Jesus and justifying lust. Both my mind and heart were literally falling apart. Facing ridicule and persecution day after day, it was painful. I knew that I could have peace from God, but I questioned Him instead, asking why He had to allow these people say all kinds of evil against me, asking why He can't just use my post to help other Christians overcome masturbation. That morning, I retreated, deleted my thread in the facebook group, and left that group. It was only after a couple hours in school that my mind finally came to peace again, and I asked God if He could just give me some rest.

Wednesday's turn... That day I found out that another thread that I posted my masturbation blog on was deleted by an only-Christian forum and my membership was banned. They said it violated their forum rules. However, I questioned them deeply! If they had truly read what the content was, they would know I was helping brothers and sisters overcome a serious sin. My heart was troubled again. However, I gained peace quickly as I saw this was a Christian blog and it might have been God's will to not let the thread be on this particular forum. However, the day after day unexpected negative events have made my whole soul weary. I turned to the Christian channel(TBN) to watch the program I watched every Wednesday, Easter Experience with Kyle Idleman. In this episode, it simply showed how when Jesus came down to Earth, He did nothing but serve, heal, and love. Being reminded of the good and loving character of God, I was strengthened. Haha, but He strengthened me at that moment for a reason. This is because right after the program was finished, I received a voice message on my phone. Four friends that I used to be close to in the first three years of my high school life...they have read my blog on masturbation. Their reply? They sent in a voice message, purposely telling me in details their sexual behaviors, and mockingly asked me for forgiveness. I was not surprised this time, as these four have never been fond of my faith. I see how I was once again ridiculed and persecuted again, but this time...I had peace...and I prayed for those four...I prayed for those non Christians that were on that facebook Christian group..I prayed for that dear friend who fights for homosexual rights...and I prayed for that friend who once wanted to get rid of masturbation but now is blind...

Sometimes you question...why do people want to intently hurt you because they know that you have placed your trust in the one and only Savior and Lord? Does it actually bring them happiness to hurt a Christian and his or her believes? Does it bring them satisfaction when they know they are purposely sinning against their Heavenly Father? To be honest, I truly do not know. But I do know this...despite all these things that they are doing...God still loves them. If all these things hurt us so much, it must hurt Him much more. Despite all this, He still chose to love them by dying on the cross. That is why we must also love them.
After all, this is what He commanded us to do!! "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...." (Matthew 5:44)

However, God does know how hard it can be for us...to be persecuted and ridiculed as we stand strong for Him. He sees it. He feels it.
Jesus told us to mark this...
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.'If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me. If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin. He who hates me hates my Father as well. If I had not done among them what no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. But now they have seen these miracles, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: 'They hated me without reason.'

"When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning." (John 15:28-27)

To give me strength this past week, God also gave me a song from last Saturday's youth group worship.

I Stand for You by Tree63 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNZ5CRQw3K8&feature=channel_page)

"Jesus, I stand for You
No matter what You lead me through
They will chase me out
And close me down
But Jesus I’ll stand for You

I’ll always stand
I’ll always stand
I’ll always stand for You (x2)

Jesus, I’ve stood my ground
When unbelief was all around
And I have felt the sting
Rejection brings
But Jesus I still stand for You

I’ll always stand
I’ll always stand
I’ll always stand for You (x2)

A time will come
When everyone
Will turn their eyes
On the Risen Son
But until that day, this world will turn away
And so I’ll take Your hand
I’ll always stand for You

Guilty of disgrace
But You took my place
So Jesus, I’ll always stand for You

I’ll always stand
I’ll always stand
I’ll always stand for You (x2)"

And in the end...it is God's loving Word that gives me strength...
Couple weeks ago, getting the new macbook pro, I wanted to play with iMovie. God gave me the desire to make a video of several Bible verses put together in an animated way. And now...He uses this video to give me and hopefully many other Christians around the world the strength to fight on under the dark fire of persecution.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atywOXSZ-g4

Brothers...Sisters...Remember that joy is a choice. Joy stems from our relationship with God and from trusting in our Heavenly Father's perfect will.
J-Jesus first
O-Others second
Y-Yourself third

Be strong and courageous! We can do everything through Christ who strengthens us.
It is in the midst of persecution that we can shine His light and love to others.

God bless!

In Christ,
Wesley

Looking Back to See Patience

2009-07-22T16:20:00.000-07:00

Today, during Humanities class, the teacher talked about how we have changed into a fast paced society. Complaining about how texting took 2 seconds to be sent; how on the internet, we are constantly thinking in our heads, "come on, faster, can the internet be any slower?". She said back then, when internet first came out, there was the dial up, with which we have to always hear that buzzy sound pattern every time we get online. We typed in an address and we would walk away from the computer, and check on the screen every minute or so to see if it's loaded yet. When the "Yahoo" page came up after three minutes, we would laugh and say, "Wow, how fast! Technology/Internet is pretty cool!"

Sometimes this fast paced pattern of society, this constant want of things to happen quickly, becomes such a constant thought in our heads that it even transfers into our spiritual lives. We pray, and when the results don't come right away, we actually try to hurry God. However, constantly in His love letter for us, He tells us to wait. Patience is even a part of the fruit of the Spirit.
"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD" (Psalm 27:14). Satan may try to get in the way while we wait, but we are to "be strong and take heart". Keep our focus on God and trust in Him, trust in the perfect plans that He has made for those who love Him. Know that He does answer the prayers from those who love Him. God is good, always. He never changes, and we can always trust Him to let everything turn out to be good in the end. And when our prayers are answered, praise Him!

Have patience,
Love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength,
And this relationship will let you soar through the light.

"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land" (2 Chronicles 7:14).

Lordship

2009-07-15T16:30:00.000-07:00

When we became Christians, we have started a love relationship with our Heavenly Father. We believe that our God came down in human form, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for our sins and rose from the dead on the third day.

But often times, after being a Christian for awhile, that fact is taken lightly...
Jesus did much more on the cross than you think.

Jesus, our God, came down in human form to go through the most extremes of all emotions, temptations, and hardships so that whatever circumstance we go through, we know that He has been there before and truly understands how we feel.

And then comes the cross. As many know, Jesus went through an intense prayer before He was betrayed by Judas and sent to the cross. Seeing what is coming ahead, He pleads to His Father, hoping that He would not have to go through what must come. Was it really that frightening? Of course it was. To be nailed onto the cross for six hours is pain beyond measure. However, there's more to it. For even a thief back then might have had to be nailed on the cross for hours. What Jesus had to go through was beyond the imaginations of all the world. His sinless human body had to become sin itself. Can you imagine it? When we sin, shame and guilt fill us up for an unbearable moment..the heart feels tremendously tightened..an indescribable weight sits upon the shoulders... and we plead to Him for forgiveness. When Jesus had to become sin for us, He had to experience the shame, guilt, and weight that would come as a result of every sin of every man in all of past, present, and future. It is literally over a billion times of what we have to go through internally after we have done wrong against Him. We can never comprehend with our human mind how much it cost Him there on that cross. That was why "His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground" (Luke 22:44) when He was praying in the garden of Gethsemane.

That was how much God loves us...to go through that so that we may live...to be free of the bondage of sins...to have all our weight lifted off...to have eternal joy and peace...to know what love is.
Yet...we forget...we forget that when we accept His love and become His disciple, we accept Him to be both our Savior AND Lord.

Brothers and sisters, He is our LORD, one of much higher position, but reached down for us because He loves us. Yet, so often times, we don't treat Him as Lord, we don't repay His love. To acknowledge Him as Lord of our lives means we allow Him to take the throne in our hearts. We are not just fans of Jesus, we are His followers. We live for Him! Following Him means doing everything for God, not for people. Don't just put on an act or a mask...don't try to impress other people. Accepting Him as Lord also means that we admit that we do not know what's best for our lives, but He does. It means seeking and following what He wills for us. Without Him, the weight of this hostile world crushes upon us. We obey because we are desperately in need of Him. Accepting Him as Lord also means we trust Him with our hearts, minds, and souls. Trust His perfect will, trust that He will put everything for the good. It also means turning away from all our sins. Don't let anything hinder you from growing closer to your Lord and Savior. Finally, it means letting His light shine through you. Doing everything for the glory of God, so that when people see your good deeds, they may know your Heavenly Father, praise Him, and hopefully come to personally know Him. Turn away from all worldly things and let Him LEAD your life as your Lord, Savior, Father, Redeemer, Teacher, and Friend.

Because He is the God who loves, provides, and understands, He is worthy of Lordship.

"Time for a U-Turn?
"There is a way that seems righ to a man, but in the end it leads to death" (Proverbs 16:25)
Are you walking on a path that you are realizing is not God's best for you? Do you even need to make a complete U-turn, but are struggling to find the courage to do so? For example, is it time to end a wrong relationship, or cast off a habit that isn't healthy, or leave behind an undisciplined life that always seems to put God in second place?

Whatever situation has you feeling stuck, know that there is no shortcut or easy way out. You need to make the right decision--firmly and decisively--and then stick with it with God's help. You may need to get family members or friends to pray for you and support you.

There is no time like the present to begin building (or rebuilding) your life on the foundation of Christ and His will for you. He loves you, and He knows what is best for you. Don't be satisfied with anything less than His will for you--for His will is always best." (Graham 201)

Works Cited:
Graham, Billy. Wisdom for Each Day. Tennessee: Thomas Nelson, 2008. Print.
What Jesus had to endure on the cross was paraphrased from Pastor Kyle Idleman's Easter Experience.

Yahweh

2009-07-13T07:46:00.001-07:00

God's personal name...is Yahweh. It means "I am the God who is there for you", "I am your God", and "I am".

When God came in the presence of a burning algae in front of Moses, Moses was shocked. To confront the Pharaoh and ask for multitudes of slaves to be freed? Moses of course did not think he was up to it. Most of us would probably have the same reply.

"Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"

God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'Yahweh (I AM) has sent me to you.' "God also said to Moses, "Say to the Israelites, 'Yahweh (The LORD), the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.' This is my name forever, the name by which I am to be remembered from generation to generation." (Exodus 3:13-15)

God affirms that He is Lord, He is God, He is Yahweh.
But then uncertainty still kicks in...

"Moses said to the LORD, "You have been telling me, 'Lead these people,' but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, 'I know you by name and you have found favor with me.' If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people." (Exodus 33:12-13)

So often are we called by God to do things that may seem crazy or too out of place. And then we...

"What? God, are you serious? Don't make me do that."

"Wow, God, if I do that, I might never be able to walk out of the street again."

"Lord, if I do that, they would persecute me and and say all kinds of evil against me, can I stand that? I don't know if I am capable."

"God, what if after I evangelize to him/her, s/he would cut of all ties with me?! Isn't it just better to keep the relationship the way it is?"

"Father, I know you want me to do this, but I just can't..."

"Lord, come on, that's impossible."

"Lord, me?! I am just not good enough!"

"I am too shy God, what if I end up speechless or what if I mess up?!"

This is what He said to Moses in reply:

"And the Lord said, My Presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)

God's personal name is Yahweh. It means "I am the God who is there for you", "I am your God", and "I am". He assures that His Presence will be with us and He will personally give us rest. Even though we often want to know what God's plans and ways for us are, even though we want to know how everything will turn out when He calls us to something, and even though we become uncertain or skeptic of what the fruits may be, know that He is God and His Presence is with you always. Isn't that enough?

"The LORD himself goes before and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deuteronomy 31:8)

A Small Incident with Great Meaning

2009-07-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

Today, while I was watching the world news from a Christian view on channel 230 (TBN), there was a little segment during the commercials that acted out the conversation between Jesus and Nicodemus. I was really excited to watch it because most movies of Jesus' story leaves out that conversation. While I was in the middle of the segment, I saw a bee on the wall. Being a guy who is extremely frightened by bees, I yelled across the house and ran to my mom. When I came back out, the segment of the conversation between Jesus and Nicodemus was over.

Although this is a silly little story, it reminds me of how sometimes because we don't place enough trust in God that we suddenly start to fear and "freak out". As a result, we miss the chance of doing something that can help us bring glory to God's name and reach out to the lost ones. More importantly, the sudden fear might even block us out from what God has to say to us, we wouldn't listen.

"Save us, Lord; we are perishing." And he said to them, "Why are you afraid, O you of little faith" Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. And the men marveled saying, "What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?" (Matthew 8:25-27)

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Know that in every storm of life, God is faithful and is by your side. Trust in the Lord and He will carry you through.

Lust

2009-07-09T17:11:00.001-07:00

I have finally overcome masturbation after God has shown me something on my 18th birthday, which I will talk about in a later post.
And now that masturbation has been overcome, I want to take away lust from my life once and for all.
Today in class, while I was taking a small nap during the break in class, this image of this attractive girl from a snorgtee ad that constantly shows up on facebook is on bed, still with her clothes on, trying to seduce me. And I kept saying in my head, "Help me fight against this, Lord! How do I fight against this image?" Then God helped me in this image. He told me to look past the seduction and look at her face for a moment. She is a lost soul. She also has all the hurt, pain, sorrows, anxiety, weight that life brings upon her. Because I am a new creation in Christ, I am to overcome the lust within my heart and show her unconditional love, not the love of this world, but the love of God. And in fast motion in my head, this little "movie" showed me wrapping around her a towel because she was wearing such thin clothes before. Then I saw an image of her suffering if she were to go to hell. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30) When she suffers, you can see pain on her face, you lose focus of her "hotness" or "sexiness", as this world calls it. You see a human being who is lost and under Satan's grip. And then in the short fast motion movie, I talked with her, saw her singing "Hosanna" by Hillsong at a church, and saw her taking an appropriate career that no longer requires her to seduce others with her beauty.

Overcome lust, don't let it stop you from loving people the way God wants you to.
And pray for all the brothers and sisters around the world that suffers with fighting against lust.

Jesus says that lust is adultery for a reason...
God calls adultery a sin for a reason...
and He died because of it...for a reason.

Drove through the Memories

2009-07-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

(Written on July 8, 2009)

Yesterday, July 7, 2009, was one of the most weird days of my life, especially after I have become a true new creation in Christ.

I have recently moved out of the city I have lived in for six years, Cupertino. With the end of high school and the change of this temporary home on Earth, I have abandoned all the patterns that I have set in in my life. No more prayer meetings everyday. No more having fellowship with my brothers and sisters everyday. No more talking to my non-Christian friends either. I can't really simply share my heart with anyone. At my new home, the only ones I can truly talk to are my parents and God.

Yesterday, I got a little sick. I got sore throat. And when you're sick, your thought patterns of the day just get more weird and weird. And throughout the day yesterday, as I woke up, did my morning devotional time, do some homework, and head off to community college classes, random memories of how I have come to grow close to the important people in my life just start flashing in my head. Although it was a weird experience, I can see God's love, grace, and mercy through these flashes. How I used to be a nomad in school with no friends whom I can truly belong to and share my life with. How I used to be this person who has always tried to put a mask on when I step out the door of my house, pretending to smile in front of others hoping that they may share a smile too, even though mine was fake. Pretending to be strong when I am breaking apart inside. But after I have become a new creation in Christ, God placed my life onto a whole new level. The mask shattered apart piece by piece. I gained everlasting joy from deep within that truly spread to people. I can truly open up myself to my brothers, sisters, and the other friends that God put in my life. It truly is beautiful and I am so thankful for what God has done. And throughout the day, I have just been home-sick for Cupertino, thinking back on all the times I spent with my friends.

When I head back home from college and lunch, God gave me a drive down the memories I share with my mom, how she has been such a loving mom. Those memories allowed emotions to get a hold on me and I held the tears in because I did not want to cry in front of her. I cried after she had to leave the house to do something. Ate my dinner.

And finally, when I went back to my room to do my homework, God gave me a memory drive of how I have grown close to Him. My most important relationship of all. It truly is amazing, what God has done in my life, a miracle. I used to be a fragile boy who has his heart torn everyday. I always tried to look for meaning. I always tried to hold onto all the relationships I have in my life, yet friends change, relatives change, and they grow distant. And my inside would shatter everyday because of this. I had fear all the time of what the future holds. Satan had such controls over my life. But God rescued me by showing me His perfect plan and the joy He has to offer. And like any other relationship, His grace and mercy drew me close to Him and I wanted to spend more time with Him. As I spend more time each day to live for Him, He shows me His promises, drew closer to me, and taught me so many things. With each trial that comes, He allows me to learn something and use the new experiences I gain to help those in need. He has allowed me to reach out to other Christians to help them grow. He gave me strength to do countless things I could have never done before in the senior year of my high school. And I am so thankful for everything He did.

In a sense, I am alone right now in the new place I have moved to since I have no one whom I can just hang out with. And it is extremely difficult to set up deep relationships with the students of the shortly lasting summer classes of a community college, especially classes that don't make you group together for a long duration of time. But I think God told me to hold on to the memories He has given me after I became a true follower of Christ. Let those memories of being a new creation in Christ give me strength. Like Rwonda said, as Christians, we have a "redeemed past", "a present that makes sense", and a "secure future". I will continue to live each day for my Heavenly Father and see what He has planned for me. "I have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet." -Brandon Heath

Beyond the Heartache

2009-07-09T17:09:00.001-07:00

(Written on June 25, 2009)

Often times, both Christians and non-Christians, they question all the personal sufferings that they have to go through. "If God loves us so much, why am I going through so much heartache." The trials, temptations, pain, hardships, and difficulties of life, people wonder why they have to go through all these things.

But God tells us Himself in His love letter for us.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

I learned that even though it may be extremely tough and painful during trials and tribulations, God is teaching me and strengthening me to give me a greater blessing, so that I can reach out and deposit into others my experiences, so that I can be a living evidence of the living God.
I learned this fact myself not by cognitive thinking, but by experience.

But sometimes, even though we understand this fact, we are for some reason not convinced, still weak.

But God did something beyond the heartache.

(The following writing is extracted from a TV Program called The Easter Experience with Pastor Kyle Idleman)

Let me introduce what God did with a little story:
"A dad is bringing his daughter to get a needle injection shot. With the dad telling the daughter that she is going to face pain soon as he brings her to the clinic, the daughter cries and resists. She does not want pain. The daughter continues to struggle as her dad is holding her while waiting in the clinic. The dad tries to tell her the sickness and symptoms that will result if the injection is not done and that the pain is only very temporary. The sickness and symptoms can be serious. The pain only lasts for only so short a time. But the girl still resists, refusing to listen, because she does not want pain. Then when the dad says that he has also been through these shots, been through the pain, and showed his daughter the spots on his body where a needle was once injected, it made all the difference. The daughter is calm now because she knows her dad has been through the pain that she will face. He knows and understand how she feels and how she will feel. Knowing that, it made all the difference."

When God abandoned Heaven's riches to come down to live in human form on Earth, He went through the most extremes of every pain, every temptation, every trial, every hardship, and all heartaches, so that we may know that whatever we are going through, God Himself understands how we feel. We are not alone in the pain. Some of you may not be convinced, but let's look into details what He has gone through.

Temptations- Jesus walked alone in the desert without any food with Satan tempting Him everyday for 40 days.

Worldly Pain/Heartache- Jesus shows unconditionally love for everyone that He has created. He came down in human form and showed miracles to prove to people that the beautiful plan of salvation has come. Yet, the people whom He loves so much sent Him to Pilates, called Him names, and wanted Him in death. He showed nothing but love to the people, yet the people called Him a liar and blasphemer, and gave false witnesses of Him. He faced the utmost extreme of persecution and worldly rejection.

Relational pain- Jesus spent all His heart and soul into His 12 disciples for three years. Deep bonds were established among their hearts. They became closest friends. Yet after those three years of such relationship, Judas betrayed Him by sending Him to His death, selling Him for thirty silver shillings. Judas even went as far as giving Jesus a humiliating customary kiss. Peter, among His closest friends, would then deny knowing Him for three times.

Physical pain- Before His crucifixion, Jesus was lashed by a whip that rip opens the skin as it makes contact with a body. Jesus was also not lashed by the customary number of lashes of the Jews. Roman soldiers back then lashed the body until they see that the body is near death. After that, the Roman soldiers put a crown of thorns on His head. They then circled Jesus like a group of bullies. They spat at Him, humiliated Him with words, and poked the near-death Jesus in the head with their sticks back and forth.

"Now he can help those who are tempted" -Hebrews 2:18

"Jesus was angry enough to purge the temple, hungry enough to eat raw grain, distraught enough to weep in public, fun-loving enough to be called a drunkard, winsome enough to attract kids, weary enough to sleep in a storm-bounced boat, poor enough to sleep on dirt and borrow a coin for a sermon illustration, radical enough to get kicked out of town, responsible enough to care for his mother, tempted enough to know the smell of Satan, and fearful enough to sweat blood.

But why? Why would heaven's finest Son endure earth's toughest pain? So you would know that...whatever you are facing, he knows how you feel.

Next Door Savior" (Lucado)

Taken from Grace for the Moment Volume II by Max Lucado.

God, during all those times of pain, could have done something about it. But He stays in the pain. As He does everything for a purpose, He also did this for a purpose. He, as our Heavenly Father, loves us so much that He wants to know whatever we are going through, He has been through it Himself. He, the King, can truly and genuinely say, "I understand how you feel, what you are going through." And that makes all the difference.

Pastor Kyle Idleman then said of a personal experience. He went to the funeral of a young man. He sat alone in a room with the mother of the young man. She was a Christian woman and she was grieving, blaming God for what has happened. Kyle tried to comfort her, telling her that God knows how she feels. She suddenly shouted in anger and said, "What would God know about...?!" Then she was silent. Kyle doesn't know what she was going to say to complete that sentence, but he thinks it was, "What does God know about losing a son?" After the woman went silent, they were both silent, knowing what has come into their hearts, knowing the love of God.

Brother/sister, know that whatever you are going through, God Himself knows how you feel, and there will be fruition from this heartache.

God bless!

Out of love,
Wesley

Dawn

2009-07-09T17:07:00.001-07:00

(Written on June 17, 2009)

Dear friends, brothers, sisters,

I would like to share you this poem that I have written a few weeks ago for my literature class, a poem that fully captures the conditions of my heart as they progress over the last four years of my life, from darkness into light, from sorrows into joy, from nothingness into meaningful, from miserable into abundant, from temporary into eternal, from bondage into freedom, from selfishness into love, from death into life.

--------------------------

-------------------------
Dawn

Awakened again from my slumber,
Once again I know what I will remember.
The morrows come and go,
The endless cycle becomes a dreaded foe.

It is not hard to imagine the despair.
Pain and hurt constantly come in pairs.
But what can I do but live through this abyss?
Is there anything else I could do other than the goodnight kiss?

Through the sea of sins,
Through the days of empty tins,
A rising fear consumes me.
Can I ever be set free?

The heart is broken,
The cynical and discouraged thoughts come with a siren.
The soul seems to be ripped to pieces.
Will there ever be peace?!

What does a man gain from pouring out their whole
Into working all their days both high and low?
Do not all these glory and knowledge fade away?
They will all eventually mean nothing, vanish, and lose their ways.

Now that I have seen all this
I fall and fall while no one will miss.
But I was proven wrong
When the Light came with a song.

“Do not despair, do not worry, do not fear
For I am here for you.”
“Will You heal me and wipe away my tears?”
“Of course, for I love you, and will never forsake you.”

My hope has been found
In Jesus whom I now trust.
No matter how the bits and pieces of darkness pound,
He will make sure nothing breaks this trust.

All that I have thought I have been proven wrong.
And now all the days that come I will long.
I have escaped from the cruel eater.
In me now is an everlasting hope in my Creator.

I have let Him pick up my broken heart
And He has lifted off me all the hurt.
Now I know that no matter how the trials and hardships may be rough,
He is disciplining me, shaping me, and teaching me out of Love.

He has broken down the cycle in my life,
Along with all sins and tins that bring about strife,
I have been set free!
Because He so loves me
That He chooses to take all my punishments by dying on the Cross,
Even when all the things He has done for us we have tossed.

With Him in me,
I have become a new creation
In all things I do He is the key.
Joy and peace comes with domination!

God is eternal,
And all things done for His glory are also eternal.
Everything brought into meaning
And gone are those that meant nothing.

This relationship has allowed me to soar through the light
And with the war that comes I know I have already won the fight.
May this light also be known to those around
And through His love and my prayers, may they be found.

Awakened again from my slumber
Once again I know what I will remember
Whatever comes my way, this gift of love from Father, Spirit, Son
Has given me a reason
To live, give, and shine.

May your heart and His intertwine.

-------------------------------------

Friends, if you could in some way relate to this poem, or if this poem has raised something in you, or if this poem has led you into a desire on how God loves us and changes us, please talk to me, fb msg me, or im me.

Brothers and sisters, if you have been having some difficulty in your spiritual walk, please talk to me, and we can have fellowship, and help each other grow in Him.

May the transformation that God has placed me through reach out to you.

God bless!

Out of love,
Wesley

Where's your Focus?

2009-07-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

(Written on May 20, 2009)

Dear brothers and sisters,

Right now, I urge you with all my heart to read the account of what God has done on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday (the account of three days), and what God has done in the past three weeks. Please do take the time.

The account of the three days:
Saturday night, youth group, my church had a new pastor candidate, Michael Ong, and he gave out his first message. He started it with a dating analogy. He says dating like in a baseball game. The guy is like the center fielder and his eyes are always completely focused on the flyball. And God is like the flyball in this case. Meanwhile, the girl is the right fielder, who also has complete focus on the flyball. And as they are both focusing on the flyball, they are slowly drawn closer together, while keeping their eyes on the flyball. In similar case, as Christians, when we date, our eyes are completely fixed on God and whoever God wants us to draw our hearts close to, then we start a romantic relationship. During that time, I applauded this because that was the best way of explaining what dating is that I have ever heard. But God was really saying to me, "Fix your eyes on Me, Wes."

Sunday morning, I woke up early, at around 7am to study for the biology semester 2 final that was going to be on the next day. I prayed for strength and wisdom, then studied. I was doing really well, but then after two hours of studying, I was overwhelmed. I still had so much to study because I did not really study for the AP test. And then I see the AP economics stock project coming, and the biology development project coming, and in my heart rises a feeling that I have not felt for a very long time. I could not explain it, but it tenses every bit of my heart and I felt agony and pain from it. I was asking, "God, what is this? Please help me get rid of this feeling?" After suffering for around an hour, I went to read my morning devotional. This is what it says:

"Confidence and Peace
'You will keep him in perfect peace,
whose mind is stayed on You.'
Isaiah 26:3

Peace carries with it the idea of unity, completeness, rest, ease, and security. Many times when I meet Jewish friends I greet them with "Shalom," the Hebrew word for peace. And often, when I greet with my Arab friends I use a similar term that they use for peace, "Salam."

Notice the key phrase in that verse: "whose mind is stayed on You." When trouble hit, our minds naturally focus on them. When suffering comes, all we can think about is the pain. It takes deliberate act of the will to turn away from problem and focus our minds on God.

When our minds are stayed on God, we won't be worried about the future, because we know it is in His hands. We won't tremble over what might happen, because our lives are built upon the solid rock of Christ.

When you and I yield to worry, we deny our Guide the right to lead us forward in confidence and peace. Don't cause Him to grieve over you by indulging in worry, but trust everything into His all-loving care." (Graham 156)

Works Citation:
Graham, Billy. Hope for Each Day. Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson, Inc, 2002.

Immediately, I said, "Nice, God. Nice." Once again, he has told me to fix my focus on Him. I get peace when my "mind is stayed on [Him]".

Then comes Sunday service time. Michael is once again speaking. His topic is "What Can We Do During Periods of Uncertainty". He goes over Psalm 46. He teaches us that God is our fortress, He is our strong refuge. Rather than placing our security in things such as money, talents, reputation, we should place our whole security in Him. Trials are given to us so that we may be a testimony to this world. He says often times, we let the problems stack up on top of God in our lives, but God is so much bigger that these problems don't even exist. What we must do is put our focus on God, and these problems will eventually get to the bottom instead. With God, we can have perseverance, a future hope, and proclaim our Lord to the world. But we can do all this when we are fixing our eyes on God. Third time now, God says, "Put your focus on Me, Wes."

So I returned home, listened to my playlist of Christian songs, which really pumped me up, and got through the stock project and the bio project requirements for that day. Feels so good, God gave me a lot of strength after asking for it. But then after that, I got lazy and couldn't work anymore. That night, I turned on the TV and flipped to the Christian channel, channel 25 KTLN. The speaker on the television teaches to always focus on Jesus Christ while running the race. Then he gave out a story of a teacher and a student. The teacher filled up a cup of milk to the fullest level it can hold. Even a small moment the milk would spill. The teacher told the student to carry the cup of milk across the marketplace outside with all the parties, attractions, games, and come back, without dropping a single drop of milk. So the student went and came back, all excited, proclaiming that he has not dropped a single drop. The teacher then asks, "What was going on in the marketplace?" The student replies, "I don't know, I had my complete focus on the cup of milk." It is beautiful that God has allowed Himself to be this type of full focus in our lives. If we completely focus on Him, none of the other problems or temptations can overcome you because they are so small compared to God. For the fourth time, God has once again told me to put my whole focus and heart on Him. There is no such thing as coincidence, and God is definitely carving this down in my heart to make sure I get it.

Monday, at Water Walkers, God, with all mightiness, spoke through a brother I have recently met, Israel Young. He gave a very very very powerful message. Part of his message says that it is not only that we need God, God is all we have. He questions people out there, how many people who claim themselves to be Christian are truly Christians? How can you be a Christian and not come the Christian club? He says that to know that we are Christians, we are not only accepting that we are filty, cursed sinners and that God has saved us with His love and grace in the past, we are continuing to do it today. We didn't proclaim Him as Savior and Lord only in the past, but we continue to do so today. We do not only have a heart for Him and serve Him in the past, we are continuing to do it today. God is all we have and He wants us to give all our heart to Him, give complete focus on Him, not only in the past, but even today, and forever. The fifth time. The third day. God says, "Always, put your whole focus on Me."

If He says it that many times, He has to be completely serious. Just like He says "do not fear" in His love letter for us 365 times, He's serious. So brothers and sisters, please, put your whole focus on Him and don't let anything worry you or put anxiety in you. Live out your faith as a Christian and show the world that you have God on your side.

The account of the three weeks:
For a couple weeks, I see brothers and sisters falling in faith, complaining about life, express no joy, lived out depressions, and conformed to the world. Two weeks ago, God had me write a note called "Time to Take the Step", telling and reminding my brothers and sisters that it is time to let go of all t he pain, weights, and burden that we hold, and follow Him. (http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1036381191&ref=profile#/note.php?note_id=85145166229&ref=mf)

Last week, my brother, Austin, saw the same thing and wrote a note called "ALREADY OVER (Fading World)". He reminds us that when Christ died on the cross and purified us with His blood, it's already over. We are already victorious in the war and we should realize that and continue to "give it all" to God no matter what trials and temptations come in the way. But Austin, like me, has also seen the falling in faith. People are showing no overflowing joy and hope, some people feels distant from God and are doing nothing about it. We have all experienced that, but Austin tells us that we need to be able to push to our limits and cry out to God for love and strength to fight the good fight. (http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1036381191&ref=profile#/note.php?note_id=93929785616&ref=mf)

Finally, this week, God spoke through Israel and he also sees brothers and sisters not acting out their faith at all. He reminded us of the true essence of the Gospel. Even the mountains and oceans obeyed God, but when He asked us to be His inheritance, humans chose to rebel against Him and broke against almost every single law that He has made. If He wholly a just God, He would have thrown us all to hell. But He did not, He chose to send His own Son to come down to save us because He loves us. He says that if we put all creation on one side of the scale, then put Jesus on the other side, the whole scale would flip over and all creation will fly off to unseen sight. Yet, God choose to send His most Precious to save us. Deep inside our hearts are thoughts so dark that we are considered the curse of the world, and God sees our every thought, yet despite what may be hideous, He still chose to love us. He is really and forever all that we got. Life is meaningless without Him, so how can we not step up and live out our faith.

In the past three weeks, through me, Austin, and Israel, He is telling all of us to WAKE UP, WAKE UP to Him. He has got great plans for us, perfect plans, beautiful plans, and we need to really start focusing on Him. God is really preparing us in each of our own individual lives as He constantly tells us to step it up. He's got great things for us to do and we need to come to Him.

Without ever consulting with each other, Austin, Israel, and I all ended our message by saying that we are saying this "out of love".

Rest in the the shadow of this Cross. His loving presence enters you and He personally guards your hearts. This is His shadow love.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? he who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:31-32).

Out of love,
God bless,
Wesley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Te0hy2YcLgg&feature=channel_page

Time to Take the Step

2009-07-09T17:04:00.001-07:00

(Written on May 5, 2009)

I often tell my non-Christian friends that Christianity, in its essence, is not a religion, but a love relationship with God. We, as Christians, when we do what the Bible tells us to do, it is because we love our Heavenly Father. We know this is what He intends us for, what He thinks is best for us. We do not force ourselves to follow a set of laws without any basis. But to my surprise, one of my friends asked, "isn't a love relationship supposed to be mutual?" That shocks me, because God does so many things for us, so many that it is countless, so many that we can never do enough to pay back. All good times in our lives are given by Him. All the "coincidences" that come together to make us who we are today, to put us where we are today, to give us all the blessings we have today are planned by Him. He gives us joy and peace through tough times. He teaches us how to unconditionally love others without any hesitation. He gives us God-confidence in any situation we are in. He gives us eternal life with Him. He sends down His Son to earth to suffer trials and temptations, and to feel the extremes of all possible feelings on earth to remind us that we are not alone, that whatever we're going through, He has felt that pain and is there with us. He died on the cross so that the burden of all our sins can be lifted off, so that we can have no shame, so that we know we are forgiven, so that we know we can stand up with Him bold and confident among the light. He resurrected to give us hope, to remind us that how deep we are in the darkness, He remains victorious, that a light will always shine through.. Even today, with His love, He continues to work His miracles in people's lives everyday.

HOWEVER, often times, we as Christians forget all these things. Often times, we live life as if we have never known Christ, even though God Himself has entered our hearts. People from the outside cannot even tell the difference between Christians and non-Christians sometimes. We can hold on to so much pride, so much of our own plans, so much of the belief that we can do everything on our own, and when things don't go well, we may complain, we may blame God, we may say things that make us no different from before we know Christ. We hold on to all the worries, anxieties, stress, and hurt that God never intended for us to have. And because we hold on to all these things and build a wall around us, we won't accept God's hands, which are so lovingly held out for you to reach to. And in the bottom line, sometimes, we don't TRUST Him enough. But why? He is so mighty, so amazing, has done so many miracles in your life. If He is willing to pour out all of Him to you, why can we not pour out our all to Him. There is no other way other than surrendering our hearts to Him. If we come to Him and let go of everything we hold on to, and not resist change, He can offer all the things He intended for us. We can experience peace because we know we are not alone. We can experience a joy so overflowing that it spread to people because we know that His perfect will is playing out in our lives. And we can have no fear in anything. We can show people that God is indeed real and reigns in us today.

Growth is a choice, brothas/sistas. Just like how we have to set up alarm clocks to prepare us for each day, we need to set our lives with Him to prepare ourselves for all coming days. And the first step may be hard and some of you may say "I don't feel like it". But guess what, you might never feel like it. It may be hard at first, but make the act of will and commit to it, and nothing can stop you. If you are in a romantic love relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend, would you continuously do things that would hurt his/her feelings or distant yourself from him/her? No, you would want your heart to grow closer to his/hers day by day. Then if you are in a love relationship with God, who loves you so much that He sent His Son down to earth in the form of the human to suffer all trials and temptations to remind us that we are not alone, died on the cross so that the burdens of sin may be lifted when we come to Him, and resurrected to give us hope, how can you intentionally draw yourself away from Him and break His heart?

Before you read the ending, I would like you to listen to the following song. And don't focus on the music or the vocal skills, but wholly on the words. Let this also be a conversation between you and our Heavenly Father.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBx7YR4d2nA&feature=channel_page

Lyrics:
Trust You
"I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love and have any hesitation
Cause I know that You don’t work that way

I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out from You any longer
Cause I know that You don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight You anymore
Not gonna try to lock the door
You took Your life and gave me Yours
There’s no reason why
I shouldn’t trust You with mine

It’s never easy changing my direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are You growing weary of all my good intentions
Cause I know that You don’t work that way

Chorus

Some days
This weight upon my shoulder
Is my shame
I know I should know better
Cause You say
That I must now surrender
There’s no other way"
-Brandon Heath

All the weight, sorrows, worry, anxiety, stress, fear, wounds, and hurt you hold inside, let Him lift it all off, and live as a child of light. Draw closer to Him in the most important relationship in your life. Go to church so you can listen to what He might have to teach you, so you may have fellowship with those who truly love you as a brother or sister, so that you may have fellowship and grow. Pray to Him, have ceaseless prayer. You can tell Him all your problems, share all your happy and sad moments with Him, joyfully thank Him always, and let your Heavenly Father be there for each moment of your life. Dive into His Word, His love letter for you, so that His love can sink into your heart, so that you may live out His Word. Do your daily devotionals so that you may know what He has planned for you and so that you may seek His will daily. Listen up to Him, to see what He has to say. And listen to everything, not just what you want to hear. And sometimes He tells you something you might already know, but only because He wants you to actually apply it in your life or because He wants to remind you that you're on the right track. Put Him as the center of everything in your life, day by day, so that you can live the life that He intended for you, a beautiful one.

Be willing to take a step and trust. Be willing to come to Him so that you can follow Him and accept His promises and love. Serve others and let God's love pour through your life. Be a child of light so that others around you may also see that His love is real and everlasting.

God bless, brothas and sistas.
Out of love,
Wesley

My Baptism Testimony

2009-07-09T17:01:00.001-07:00

(Written on April 14, 2009)

Hey guys!
I got baptized today on Easter! (4/12/2009) and I want to share the testimony I gave for my baptism with you guys.

During my childhood in Hong Kong, I went to a Christian elementary school. My mom and grandma are both Christians. I would learn about these stories from the Bible and I would take them as the truth. I would pray the Lord’s Prayer everyday at school and then prayed when something big happened. I went to church a couple times throughout my childhood, and went up to the front to accept Jesus as my Savior and Lord, but I didn’t truly know what it meant. As I later transferred to an international school and later moved to Thailand, my focus on God had almost completely vanished. I would still claim to be Christian and would still pray every now and then, but I did not truly have a relationship with Him or have a day by day walk with Him.

Then for seventh grade, I moved here to California. My father would no longer live with me and my mom because he had to work in China. He would visit us every few months or so. But because of my constant moving back then and the sudden lack of support from my father, I began to build these walls around my heart. I became much more silent and shy at school. I made a few friends and started earning good grades, but life felt somewhat meaningless. I always felt empty and would easily cry when something bad happens. I was a fragile soul. Things did not go that well as years pass. As the pressure and the competitive atmosphere in school grow larger, I was driven more and more into my hardened shell. I had small thoughts of suicide, but it wasn’t as serious to the point that I would actually commit it. But back then, it seemed like I was just barely gripping onto each moment in life, trying to get a good grade so that I can enter college, become a doctor, and then maybe help people around the world. Such a far away dream though, I did not know if I can hold onto life that long with all its monstrous things. That’s what I thought back then. I cannot help but be all depressed all the time, and cope to crying at home when things get bad and punching against the bed to release all my negative emotions. Miraculously, in the summer before my freshman year, my father became a Christian and when he came visit, he urged my family to start looking for a church to attend and we eventually found this church. I really liked the messages each week, and the singing too. I think that did drew me a little closer to God, but not a whole lot, because I was not giving my whole heart to Him. Things did not go much better in school though. I was still just barely hanging on to each moment in life. I still felt lonely even though I had friends. A few relationships with my friends would disappear over time, and I would beat myself down for it, wondering why the past didn’t seem to matter to them. But I also wanted to appear strong and make my friends happy, so I tried hard to put on a fake smile in the front. But I can only do so much on my own.

Then came the 2008 Snow Retreat, which was the first minor turning point in my life. Coming into HOC5 for so long, I have always felt lonely because I could never bring myself to make friends; I only came to learn from the messages. But then at the snow retreat, I managed to really bond with my brothers in Christ in my cabin. And when I was lonely, a few sisters in Christ reached out to me and show their deep compassion and kindness. So unlike before when I always thought I am a shame and burden to others, I felt welcome to God’s family. And I actually learned for the first time there that the only circumstance to go to heaven is to accept Jesus as the Son of God, as my Savior and Lord, with my whole heart, contrary to my previous belief that to enter heaven, the circumstance is to do good works and be a good person. I can start to really see God’s amazing grace shine towards me. Then on the last night of the 2008 Snow Retreat, during worship, God really came down in His ultimate presence, and I felt for the first time how truly real He is. I knew that He desires us to draw closer to His heart and have a relationship with us. That experience drew me a lot closer to Him. I could know for sure that the Holy Spirit is in me, and I could feel for sure that He is always there for me. I gain a stronger passion for Him, but I was still weak. The fears, anxiety, worries, bitterness of everyday life and thoughts of being alone all still have a hang on me. Even though I gained a passion for Him, I still did not truly surrender my heart to Him. I still held onto all the bitterness and sadness in me, and life was still not that good. Satan just continued to beat down on me. I did not know how to deal with all the negativity in my life.

Then in my last year in high school, God allowed November 9th, 2008, to be the first part of my second turning point in my life. That was a Sunday, and a speaker named Steve Korch came to our church. He talked about the Art of Waiting. He talked about how we are constantly waiting through something in our lives, waiting through the suffering, and in the process, we often lose patience and lose our way. But then he says that God gives us a potential power that can be awakened, a power that can give us patience and endurance. He talks about how we have to understand His will, that all our stories are part of His will to help others in need, that He’s got everyone in good hands. When we always focus on our needs and what we don’t have, we are being selfish and only focus on ourselves. That really hit me because I knew how in the past few years I have always been so focused on myself, and never really understood that He’s got a plan for me. The speaker tells us that in the beginning of each day, instead of focusing on ourselves, we should pray and tell God how much we love Him and tell Him how we want to please Him and make Him smile that day. The speaker also teaches us to joyfully give thanks for everything good that is happening in our lives. With this message from God, He really changed me and snapped me out of my depression. Instead of always focusing on myself, I wanted to focus on Him instead, a vertical perspective rather than a horizontal one. But then I didn’t really know what the speaker meant by “joyfully”. I felt that my life was much more meaningful since I gained the heart of serving Him and worshipping Him, but fears and sadness still realm strongly.

Three weeks later, God directly spoke to me again during the message. This time, the message was given by Pastor Dean. The topic was joy being a Fruit of the Spirit. He says that “joy is an attitude we have that stems from our relationship with God”. He says that “joy” and “happiness” are actually two different things. Happiness is based on circumstances, but joy is a choice. We can be joyful because we are confident that God is at work and because we know that God is good always. And it is with that message that God spoke through Pastor Dean to me that completed the second turning point in my life. I understood back then that I can be joyful despite all the negative circumstances in my life. Sadness no longer has a grasp on me and I learned that even though it may be extremely tough and painful during trials and tribulations, God is teaching me and strengthening me to give me a greater blessing, so that I can reach out and deposit into others my experiences, so that I can be a living evidence of the living God. And as I gain a full heart for God this year and walk day by day with Him as the center of everything, God has been teaching me so much. He has taught me how to truly love those around me, no matter how they may reject me. I learned to see all the wonderful brothers and sisters He has allowed to come into my life. And He has also given me the chance to reach out to those who are in need of kindness and compassion, and allowed me to show them how amazing God is. I learned to no longer worry and let anxiety control me because I know I can trust God. I can unload all my distress to Him if I know that He can lift up a burden as big as sin. I have no shame and can bring my full self to love others. And I know that I will continually grow in Him as He will never leave my side. This is the power of Christ in me.

God not only performs miracles 2009 years ago on earth, He continues to perform miracles and demonstrate His love through people's lives even today.

Thanks for reading!
God bless!
-Wesley

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=logo&nctrct=1239731035866#/video/video.php?v=1145354227485